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I'm tired of everything


#1

I have been struggling just about my whole life when I was 10 years old I was told my mother had stage 4 breast cancer and my mother was going to die my father was in prison and my brother was doing what ever I he hell he wanted I took care of my mother skipping school because I was taking care of her when her surgery came up she punch me and kicked me but I picked her up and luckly convinced my neighbor to take her and me to the hospital thank God because it was successful but then she met some asshole who lied and tryed to say he was the drummer for the band rise agianst I tryed to show her that he was a fake but she chose to never believe me then one day my grandma who is a drunk shows up to make matters worst we lived in practically a shack and I was already sleeping on the floor ( I didn’t sleep in an actual bed until I was 19 years old) but we took her in anyway one night my mother chucked a plate at my head because I told her asshole boyfriend to stop lying and she told me she hates me and to get tf out it was the middle of winter in Colorado and I had no where to go Soni slept out in our car then my brother came home and was furious and took me to my great grandma house 4 months later have finally pulled he head out of her ass after he stole everything we owned and she got him sent to jail my mother htaed me and I never to this day know why I gave been the only person there I have protected her and done nothing but be supportive I chose my family always over my own needs my needs where never first an I am the youngest I have been in 12 different school and never stayed in a house longer then a year I have been on my own sence o was 16 years my parents where both in prison and jail and I did not want to be put in the system so I ran my brother literally just left me to defend for my self no one called to even see if I was alive I’m thankful for my friend parents who let me stay on therr couch and fed me my mother got addicted to meth and andnhas Never been the same my dad got out of prison and had no idea that my mom has been cheating on him and found out and saw my living conditions and was furious and he took care of me even in the half way house he would give me money just to eat and called every day he even got me out of juvy many times he was a horrible father as a child but has been nothing was supportive sence and I’m blessed for that but as I’m now onyl 20 years old I have found my self so damage and now in a relationship where I get treated as if in garbage he control everything and has hit me and I cry because I see my mother and think thatbibahve become her and I feel so fed tf up of life being shitty no matter how hard I try I loose every time I feel so alone and i just want to be loved and feel like I matter I am stupid and moved to Texas with him I even got a domestic violence charge because I didn’t want him to go to jail so I said it was me I was 17 and just got done with having 2 ankle monitor community service u name it and I’m 20 now I ahev mancic depression and OCD and anxiety I know I should leave but I’m terrifed to loose the only person who has shown any interest or care in me and i know it pathetic there is so much more to the story but It would take hours to type I just need to vent


#2

Micky,

Dude this is so brutal…it’s hard to even piece together all the shit that’s happened to you – I’m sure that it was difficult for you to even recollect all of the pain and moments where you were treated like a rug for others to wipe their shit on and move on, continuing to focus on themselves…it feels like from a very young age you took on what your mother’s burden should have been…and your roles were reversed – you were taking care of her…I mean even with her lying boyfriend, it feels like you took the role of a parent and she took the role of a kid – you told her, “this isn’t a good relationship, don’t do it,” and she rebelled, like an angsty teen…the only problem was that she had the actual authority so when push came to shove, she dumped you out onto the streets, where once again, you had to fend for yourself…you’ve received some help here and there from friends and from your dad once he got out of jail, but it still feels like life has been primarily you fending for yourself…finding a place to stay, finding a way to survive, and still having only few moments where people genuinely provide for you, help you, serve you…you grew up having to be your own parent and your mom’s too, and now you found someone who makes you at least feel like he loves you sometimes, like he gives you his attention…but honestly, you’ve learned this totally backwards twisted way of love, right? Like, you learned that you are supposed to take care of others beyond what you should – which I’m sure is happening in this relationship where you’re taking on undue stress for finances or for the house or for his “needs”, like you’re expected to give him what he wants when he wants it, and it’s all about what his needs are and when you don’t succumb to those needs or give in to whatever he wants, then you get punished…which again, in a twisted way feels like love, because at least he’s paying attention to you, which was frequently the only times that you interacted with your mom was when she was freaking out at you…at least you were connecting, at least you were being seen…and you have such a hard time leaving because you can’t imagine what he would do without you, just like you couldn’t imagine what your mom would do without you, and you don’t have the heart to just abandon her and leave her stranded…the only reason that you left your mom is because she kicked you out…and you’re in this terrible situation where you don’t know how to leave, the only way you know love is by getting hurt, and the only way you know how to get out is if you are kicked out, and right now, he isn’t doing that, so you’re with him and feeling totally trapped…

Micky, honestly friend, this is so brutal. What’s even more brutal is that whatever love you might feel you receive from being heard by this response or by whatever response you might receive, it doesn’t even get registered as the same kind of love as with your boyfriend because “love” has been taught to you in such a traumatic way…

I don’t have answers, but I do have compassion…I’m so sorry that you’re in this spot…I’m so sorry that your parents were shit…I’m so sorry that you had to fend for yourself…I’m so sorry that you feel unseen and unheard and uncared for and insignificant and unloved…those things aren’t true about you…you matter, your heart matters, you pain matters…you are worthy of real love, of selfless love, of healing, of wholeness, of safety…goodness gracious…you are worthy of good, friend…I’m sorry things don’t look that way yet, but I pray that they will…I pray you’ll be rescued from not just the situation but from the wounding in your past that keeps you trapped in these types of situations…I pray your heart would be healed and that you’d come to find and know a love that surpasses all of your wildest dreams and imaginations…I pray that you’d come to find a safe place in your heart, in your life, in your community, in relationships, and eventually in a family of your own…I pray for forgiveness that you would be set free from healthy boundaries, healthy love, and healthy releasing, I pray for freedom for all the places that feel locked up and trapped, and I pray for revival of all the places inside of you that have died that shouldn’t have. You are worthy of it. You are worthy of love.

Believing in the hope for the best for you,
Nate


#3

I hope that sharing and venting helped :heart: We are always here to listen when you need to vent, no matter how long/short the post is or how much/little you want to share. You have experienced so much pain and hardship and we want to be here for you.