(Sorry if this is messy, I’m just typing what I’m thinking.)
I’m tired of fighting. Mainly fighting to be enough, fighting to have friends, fighting society.
But I have been fighting for so long. And no matter how hard I try, I am never good enough. I just want to give up. I don’t want to do this anymore. I have changed myself so much. If you saw me 2 years ago you wouldn’t even see the same person. Nothing is working. I just feel this empty pit at the bottom of my heart. I don’t want to be lonely anymore. I care so much about what others think. I just feel worthless. All I have ever wanted to be was perfect. And I try to make myself look perfect every day. I used to think I was beautiful. And then I started getting lonely. I remember writing stuff in diaries like: “Everybody has always told me I was pretty, and I think I am pretty. But why am I treated like this? Is there something someone isn’t telling me?”
And I just got really self-conscious from there. But before I changed myself to be prettier, I was more outgoing. Then I got a little bit pretty. And then I was still outgoing, just a little less. Right now, I would say I look the best out of all of those years. And I always say to myself, “I am going to talk more today. I am going to be more outgoing.” And then I get to my classes, and it is like I am silenced by society. I can’t say anything to anyone, and all I do is compare myself to others. And the silence has made me so lonely. I had always been lonely in the way of wanting a boyfriend, but now I am just lonely in the terms of wanting people to hang out with, or people to chat or play games with on the weekends. I have a few “friends”, none of them ever really want to talk to me unless I am the only one around to talk to. It hurts my soul being this alone. I just don’t know why I am trying anymore.
Hey @Anonymous3,
You keep trying because somehow you know things get brighter when you win a fight, when you overcome any obstacle. I hear you, your exhaustion. I understand why you want to give up. And I want you to know that there’s a whole community here for you and you can find shoulders to rest on when life gets too hard.
You’re dealing with so many things at the same time, my friend. It’s really not surprising to hear that you’re tired. When you’re in the middle of the turmoil, it can be helpful to compartmentalize and slow down a bit. You’ll get there, step by step. And being exhausted is an important signal that has to be heard.
You don’t have to try to be perfect. You won’t be able to please everyone in your life and that’s okay because you don’t have to. This is your life, not others. And your appearance should never interfere with other’s behavior. Plus there’s enough pressure these days concerning beauty standards, physical appearance… You don’t need this pressure to weigh on your shoulders. Because of one simple but strong reason: you are beautiful just as you are. I know it can sound a bit silly or cliché, but really, you are beautiful and it’s not conditioned by your physical appearance. It wasn’t yesterday, it’s not today and it won’t be tommorow.
I struggled really hard with comparison and willing to be perfect too. And it led me to self-hatred, eating disorders and over-exercising. In other words, only unhealthy and unwanted mechanisms. I’ve been struggling with social anxiety for a long time and somehow I repeated to myself : “If I become more this or that, I will be able to be more comfortable in front of others, to be more talkative and accepted by others”. But that’s not true. Love and acceptance should never be depending on any condition, and that includes your appearance.
To compare yourself can evolve to the point of being an obsession. You don’t deserve this. So I’d like to share this motivational video with you, made by HS staff member. I hope it can bring you some enlightenments and perspective over comparison habits:
You have worth and value. You already have a lot to offer to this world and to yourself. And by being here, I can tell you that you’ve got friends who sincerely care about you. Please, consider joining HS community on Discord too: https://discordapp.com/invite/AKCQ2Nk
Sending much love your way. 