I’m sick of it. Completely sick of it, these people alwaya saying ‘it will get better’ and all that crap. I’m completely tired of trying, just waking up and realizing, “oh, today I have to please my parents and friends, time to put on my fake smile on.” Yipee. I’m disgusted by myself, I look in the mirror and point things out that literally no one else will see. Oh, look, a pimple, oh, look, a scar. Disgusting. My body is hideous, I don’t know why I was brought into this world, I never asked to be here. I miss the days where I was just a little happy girl, where did she go? Where did that little happy girl go? The one who brightened up people’s days, where is she? She’s DEAD. She’s god damn dead! No where to be found in me, no trace of her left, I’m just a shadow now. Why do I have to smile when I just want to cry? The people I actually loved changed a lot. The bruises from getting a beating from my parents ache even though I haven’t been beat in a long time, and my scars burn. 2020 is supposed to be a good year? Yeah right. We’ll see.
Hi @Katsthatfly,
I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. You said you’ve got bruises from getting a beating from your parents and it sounds that it’s something you’ve been through regularly. Friend, this situations is absolutely not normal. Your parents doesn’t have the right to do that as it’s physical abuse. From what I understand, this is a highly concerning situation and I’d like to encourage you to reach out to someone and get some external help for this. Consider using National child abuse hotline - 1-800-422-4453, even if it’s only to talk about what’s going on, whenever you need.
I’ve been through this when I was a child and I know it feels like it’s something normal or that you’re stuck in this because it’s your parents and family. But there are people out there who can bring some help and take dispositions to protect you. It can sound scary because we usually think it implies to live away from our parents but that’s not necessarily true. I don’t know where your live and how services are there, but working on changing the environment you’re living in, with you and your parents, is needed. You don’t deserve those scars and bruises. Never.
It doesn’t really matter to find the “why” you’ve been brought to this world. The sense you put in this in highly intimate and you’ll manage to find some sense in your life. Reality is that right now you’re existing, you’ve got breath in your lungs and this is actually a huge power that you’ve got. Nobody asked to exist, but yet we are still here and we can try to do our best find our way in this world and make this journey as fulfilling as possible. You have a future and this world has still a lot to offer to you. It’s not a naive statement to say this and I’m not trying to diminish how you’re feeling with some over-optimism. I just want to bring you some hope because there will be light coming from all of this. There will be love. And, right now, you are already loved friend. I don’t know what person you were as a little girl, but I know that, right now, you are beautiful just as you are.
You’re not disgusting. But you know where those scars come from and it brings difficult memories. You matter. And I’m proud of you for reaching out here. Hopefully this is a first step to get out of this situation. Keep reaching out, keep coming here, consider talking about what’s going on to someone you trust. This isn’t about you and you’re not worthless. And my only wish for you, for this new year, is that it will be a time of positive changes for you, so you could share again your beautiful smile. 
I’m afraid… I’m finding what you say sk hard to believe. I’m not good enough. Wouldn’t it be better if I was dead? No more problems.