I’m 45 now and I’m still this.
I am lazy. I’m tired. I’m always in pain one way or another. I struggle financially so much that I can’t afford treatment. I want treatment. I talk to people and have started to get help… been told I’m doing so good. Then another upset in my life happens. Likely I’ve made another bad choice as I seem to ALWAYS do. Then I can’t afford the treatment I was getting yet again. I bounce from one job to another and with each one I feel even worse about myself. I want to be the best at everything so I get hyped… get good at stuff then I’m bored and start to slack and then see myself doing so and give up and quit. Sometimes I catch myself and start to correct the behavior but by then my bosses are sick of me and don’t have faith in me… so I lose faith in me and on goes the cycle. I do it in relationships too. I don’t trust anyone. I find all these amazing people that I think are super cool and we can have conversations and deep ones. I hate trivial conversation. Then I realize that I’m trauma bonding and trying to fix people or help people and dont actually like them or have anything in common but the trauma. So I try to separate myself and then feel badly because I’m giving up on someone or letting them down…
Basically I’m tired of getting in my own way. I start to do good but it never sticks. Now I’m old. I should have done more by now and better better off financially. I should at the very least have freaking insurance and I don’t because I don’t stick to jobs long enough. And it’s always the same. I’m just tired of being there. I’m bored. I overthink everything. People, situations, relationships, my past, my future… I’m tired.
I have fibro, depression, PTSD, anxiety about even how long this post is going to be and how ridiculous I sound. I’m over myself. And no, I don’t want to die or hurt myself. I’m just so tired. I want to quit but you can’t just quit life. So now I’m sitting in limbo… like always. Sick of myself.
You are never “too old” for anything. Whenever I am feeling like it’s too late to make a change or transition in my life, I look to Grandma Gatewood, the first woman to thru-hike the Appalachian Trail (at 67)!
Also, I don’t think what you are referring to is trauma bonding. I think it’s great to talk to people who share similar experiences to you (both good and bad) because it acts as bridge in a relationship. I recently met someone who had gone through a similar traumatic experience to me and we were able to move on from that and establish a friendship based on other interests we shared
I don’t know where you are located, but I can’t recommend enough Vipassana meditaiton as a way to teach yourself how to face the bullshit life throws at you. Or really any meditation retreat in general just to help get the ball rolling. Plus it’s free, you can just sign-up and it’s totally run on donations.
I just want you to know, that from one human to another, I love you and care about your well-being. You can’t change your physical condition, but I hope you can come to realize that your pain and suffering is NOT who you are, but rather just stimulation and signals sent to your brain. I know how hard it is to see that when you are in the depths of depression and anxiety especially, but you have choice over these signals. I also struggled with severe, literally blinding anxiety for years and it just took time to work out the kinks in my head. It wasn’t until I was lucky enough to stumble into meditation and I learned that everything is annica that I realized the impermanent nature of reality.
Thank you. I appreciate you responding and caring.
I was in a pretty bad way last night. Actually, I’ve been in my own head for a little while now but last night got bad because I had just recieved bad news after “prepping” myself to make it through the anxiety of just walking out one door and into another for work.
Change in my routine has been extremely hard to get through these days.
I worry all the time about what life will be like with all of my health problems and mental fog and disorientation. I’m going blind pretty fast these last few months and I’m already going def in one ear.
I injured my shoulder recently and I am a massage therapist and I love how I can make people feel so happy and pain free. The way their faces light up when they get off my table and then say “that was the best massage I’ve ever had”! It makes my heart melt. I don’t want to be in pain, and anxious. I want to be the 80 yr old woman who was a guest speaker when I was in school. She was still massaging! It was incr6to think that if I take care of my body and use proper mechanics I can do what she did.
…but I see how hard it’s getting just to get out of bed and up my stairs everyday… I’m noticing how people are looking at me when I can’t see to read what they’ve given me something to read in front of them… they’re starting to get frustrated with me as if I’m not frustrated with going blind myself. Old age is scaring me. Being the little old lady with all the energy and spunk that built up inside me and unable to do what I love. The outdoors are my favorite place to be to meditate and find my peace again. I’m guesstimating that my body will give up on my in about 20 years (experience with the elderly has taught me this). Then what? I don’t want to be stuck in a chair alone in a room with people who hate that I can’t do for myself and need them to wipe my chin cuz my arms don’t work well anymore.
I’m losing words, vision, my shoulder, I’m getting headaches everyday now, I feel carpal tunnel in my right hand already trying to claim my freedom, my knees are in terrible shape from the arthritis… I’m scared. And the fear is getting so bad that I don’t want to leave my bed but… I’m tired of being here in it.
I’ll look for the place that you recommended. It sounds wonderful. I never thought about looking for a place like that. I have always gone into the woods to meditate or sat by my soul sister the ocean. I’m feeling a little more peaceful right now. Thank you for listening. Truly.
Thank you for being here and sharing your story. We are glad you’re here! Know that you do not sound ridiculous at all. You are carrying a lot right now and this post is you sharing what has been weighing on you and we are happy to listen and be as best a support as we can.
Life truly has a way of throwing one curve ball after another. Just when we think we have a system going, a wrench gets thrown in and we have to adjust all over again. Mix that with finances, physical pain and trying to make a conscious effort to seek treatment and support, it’s no wonder you are so tired. That is a lot to juggle.
It sounds like despite all you have had to work through and carry you are still pushing through and trying to better yourself. That is not easy to do and truly speaks to how strong of a person you are. You’ve had to adjust to a lot and make changes regarding employment and relationships all while battling anxiety, depression and PTSD. With so much going on, I would encourage you to give yourself grace and know that you are not your struggles. Your worth does not come from how much you have or haven’t done by this point in your life. We also tend to be much harsher on ourselves and beat ourselves up for failures whether perceived or real and that can cause a cycle of self deprecation and feeling stuck.
Know that you have so many people within this community who are here to support you and who care about you.
You know, finding this site was a shot in the dark and it was exactly what I needed.
Thank you so much for your kindness and compassion. Sometimes I just need to be reminded of things.
Sometimes, I wake up up with so much strength and dedication to helping others and myself and other days… well that’s why I’m here. I’m so glad I found you all.
We are so very glad you’re here!! Know that you have us to lean on whenever you feel you need it and we are more than happy to remind you of what a strong and amazing person you truly are!
