My blood tests came back and now I have to get testosterone shots on Tuesday to help me grow. I hate this so much. I don’t want to get needles stuck into me. I don’t care about growing. This is useless.
I had a dream a few nights ago. It was supposed to be a nightmare, all my dreams are, but I enjoyed it. We were kids all my age in red jumpsuits getting taken off the patriot camps to learn how to love the leader. But I related to it. It wasn’t scary, it was comforting. I just want someone to control who I am. Because they’ll make much better use of myself than I ever could. I’m useless. I just want to give myself to someone so I’m not.
You’re right. All I want is someone near me to care. But they don’t. They say they do, but it’s never enough. I’m sorry.
No one on this Earth deserves to be owned by anyone else. As human beings, we have the right to feel, think and decide for ourselves. Being controlled by someone doesn’t only mean putting away the stress and anxiety that learning to love yourself brings, it also includes to be destroyed, having no individuality, having no life. In that case, what you would receive isn’t love or comfort. It would be control and abuse, which is not a life to live. I personally certainly never want for you to be controlled by someone. You deserve to be the master of your own life, to make decisions that are yours, to explore, love and live the way you aspire to.
I understand that the road towards self-love is scary, foggy and utterly mysterious. I just turned 30 and I’m still trying to figure out how to take significant steps on that path, because I was never really shown how to do that. I learned to be dependant, to adjust my behavior and character based on others, on th eenvironment around me. Learning to love myself and care for myself has always been both the most scary yet powerful process I’ve ever been in. Because ultimately, whether someone shows love to us or not, we are the one accepting to receive or not – we are the ones deciding if we are worthy of it or not.
We here certainly don’t want you to stay stuck in a narrative where you would be worthless, because you’re not. You’re really not. And your entire life doesn’t need to be dictated by this lie either. It may take time, patience, it may be scary, but I can assure you that there is nothing more powerful than giving yourself a chance, being gentle with yourself, caring for yourself – overall, learning to give yourself the love that you need and deserve. You are your very first home. This body, mind and soul of yours are sacred places to honor and treasure. There is nothing too much or not enough about you. You being you, is all that this world needs.
Please don’t let your voice fade away to lies that should never be yours. There is so much more beauty and life within you than you may see right now.
wanted to check in on how you’re doing after your shots. treatment plans and lab draws like that can definitely take a toll on someone - what are some self-care things you do after those blood tests and shots? hope you can do something kind for yourself soon!
when it comes to your second paragraph, i truly believe that our dreams are like a compass to guide us in understanding ourselves and our needs more deeply. one thing is for sure that you have infinite value to yourself and this world around us. your dream may have been highlighting the fact that you want more companionship and comfort in stable bonds. you are not alone in craving that feeling of belonging - it’s a common human need. i hope you can find people around you to care for you the same way you care for them, my friend. you deserve love and care - never lose sight of that truth!
how are you going wince you posted this? I know that I can’t say I know exactly how you feel, but I hope that you feel like you have support here.
I don’t believe you are useless. I know sometimes when things are out of our control in our minds and bodies it can feel like we can’t use our bodies and minds to the best of their abilities. But they are still your own and if anybody else were to control them, we would lose the essence of you. Nobody can be you. I know hearing that people care can be hard to believe or even accept, I just want you to know that we do care. In whatever capacity we can
I think that wanting someone near to you, to care. Is a healthy thing to feel, but also, it is important to be sure you take the time to care of yourself. Have you done anything for yourself recently?
Hi Swix, welcome to HeartSupport. Thank you for sharing your feelings with us.
I’m sorry you didn’t get the test results you hoped for; I can imagine how frustrating this must be. Despite the negative outcome, I am sure that your doctors want what is best for you.
I can identify with your wish to find somebody to take control of you. Like you, I felt useless and that somebody else would do a better job running my life. Talking this through with a therapist helped me realise my self-worth and that I could take control of my future. If you are interested in exploring therapy and need any help, your doctor should be able to refer you.
You are, of course, always welcome at HeartSupport.
The first one is going alright. It hurt a ton and it’s still sore, but I was just be dumb and overreacting about it.
I guess I could try that. My family is short on money right now and I don’t know when my next appointment is, but I’ll see what I can do and where I can go.
I have no idea. I got a little break with Spring Break but now it’s back to school, wrestle, sleep, school, wrestle, sleep, and on. I don’t have time to do much of anything else that I know of.
I just wish they would ask how I am. I wish they would stop assuming they know me better than I know myself. I wish they would ask what I need and actually listen to me instead of putting me off as some silly squeaky fifteen year old. I just want them to say with honesty that they care.