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Im trying but it's not working

I posted last week about some issues and my depression. I was doing ok for a bit, but today hit me really hard. I’ve been trying to distract myself, but my thoughts keep going back to her and how she’s so happy without me in her life. Today was her birthday and I broke down and messaged her. Of course I never received anything back but I knew that was gonna happen. I just broke and I feel ashamed of myself for it.

I’ve had bad thoughts again, thoughts I haven’t had in a long time. To be honest, I’m way too afraid to even attempt to do anything. I planned it out several years ago and I scared the shit out of myself. I know ending it isn’t the answer, but when there’s so much pain and no one to care about it, what can I do? I don’t wanna die, I just want the pain to go away. To feel normal again.

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Hi Edubd
Im sorry today has been so difficult for you. It still is very early days since the upset of your friend exiting your life and its still very raw, occasions such as birthdays etc are going to always bring up memories but especially this one due to the short period of time and the fact that you have had no closure.
You have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed of, you are still missing your friend greatly and you sent a message.
Its very hard moving on from losing a good friend, they are a big part of your life but it will get easier with time and sadly that is one thing you cant rush.
Have you tried journaling to get out your bad thoughts? sometimes getting your thoughts out of your head and onto paper can help, then when your ready you can throw those negative thoughts away. If you feel you can’t control your feelings, talk to your GP about how you are feeling, maybe he can put you in touch with someone who can talk to you. You are right ending your life is definitely not the answer because there are people that care about your pain, I for one care very much about your pain and I know there are others here that do also. we care about your pain, your happiness and more importantly your life.
The pain you feel from your friend walking away will pass and new friends will come into your life, please just take a breath and remind yourself that you are loved, wanted and valued.
Stay in touch and let me know how you are please.
Much Love
Lisa :heart:

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