after talking to chat, dan, and casey today. i was directed to come to the wall for support so… lets try this out?
i couldnt decide if this was a worthless or hopeless topic.
im just going to be real honest and open here and give it a shot bc if it doesnt work out, well… it couldnt get any worse than how i already feel.
i think my issue with trust, not being good enough, feeling worthless, and hopeless that anything will get better for me mentally emotionally, all branch from the fact that i… am not a well liked person. and the ppl who do “love” me, i dont believe them.
disclaimer: im really bad at organizing my thoughts so let me try a little harder to do that.
worthless: i think it first broke when i cheated on my bf in high school. and then every bf after that. why did i do that? probably because i felt worthless. i didnt feel like their love was real or that i was deserving, or good enough. mind you, this is all hindsight now. in the moment, i was just trying to beat them to it because to me, everyone cheated on everyone. it was a matter of who got to it first, hand the upper hand.
trust: eventually i stopped cheating on my bfs. but the first one that i didnt cheat on, cheated on me. after living with me for a year, paying for everything, taking care of him, i find out hes been cheating on me with someone from his past. i felt used.
feeling used: does that ever stop? because now i feel like everyone is just using me. a hidden agenda, as i keep saying. no one really cares or loves me like they say they do. words dont mean shit. actions hardly mean shit now a days. everyone is an actor. including me.
hopeless: ive been to therapists. and the truth is, i dont want to put in the work to fix myself. they told me i have borderline personality disorder. they send me to all these classes, give me all this homework to do. the only things that have ever really helped me? drugs. for sure.
to top it all off: i think im still in love with the man who victim blamed (me) when i told him that i was raped. all because he was fixed on the fact that he saw it as me cheating, when we were never even together. i still miss him, 3 years later, 3 relationships later. and he couldnt. give any type of shit about me. but i continue to let him use me when he needs. because at some point he made me feel safe, and truly loved. and i can never forget that. so i let the rest of his faults go.
at this point… its taken me maybe 2 hours to come up with words to write. and i feel like just deleting everything. these feelings… they come and go… ive cried already and feel relieved now from the pressure in my body. do i still feel like dying? do i feel better yet? does it matter? just keep getting tattoos to cover the scars and feel pain so that i dont cut myself anymore. just distract myself with tv. help other ppl. get high. get drunk. i dont know. i wish i could write more about whats going on in my head, to help people maybe, but the truth is its really very simple.
im a disappointment and undeserving of “love.”
i apologize to anyone who reads this for wasting your time. but i hope you still did.
i have so much compassion to give, but none for myself.
on top of all of this shit… my sweet cat passed away from a heart attack while im visiting in the uk. it happened last night. of course i blame myself for not being there. i didnt self harm, or try to overdose again, simply bc theres nothing in this house that would allow me. so help me god if i go home in two weeks still feeling this way.