I'm useless

I know that nobody likes me, they just act like they like me because they pity me. I know that they don’t actually want to be with me though. If you are reading this, I’m sorry for wasting your time on someone unimportant but I feel like I need to breathe it out.
At school, no one likes me. All my friends are fake because they either need my help on schoolwork or the have no one else to hang out with. No one actually likes me. I’m just an ugly nerd at school. No one notices me, no one compliments me when I try to look nice.
At home, my family thinks I’m too fat and that I should lose weight. I weigh 120 pounds and I’m in 7th grade. That’s way past the average. Sometimes I ask myself why am I so fat, I’ve tried to go a week without food and no one noticed. No one knew that I was trying to lose weight, no one cared. My family thinks that I too dumb for school. If I get a B on a test, then I get grounded for a month. Today, I showed my dad my report card and he was so disappointed because my lowest grade was an A-. All the others are A’s.
Why can’t I be enough, why can’t my family love me, why can’t the world just acknowledge my existence? The only place where I can escape the world is my music but then I realize that I have to go back to reality where everyone hates me.

Hi @Chimmy0395,

First of all, the time I spent to read you was worth it. You’re important and you matter. And as I’m writing you this reply, I want you to know that it’s exactly what I want to do and where I want to be right now. Absolutely no pity in it. Only a huge amount of respect and care for you.

People will never stop judging you. But you’ll always have the capacity to choose the importance you grant to it. Their words are not related to who you are. People always have opinions on everything and everyone, and obviously it seems easier to say hurtful things than to be a little vulnerable and show some love. So our relationships can be toxic sometimes. Problem is that it can alter your self-love over time.

I want to say that the way others look at you doesn’t define who you are. It’s only about how people perceive you, through their own minds, personalities, struggles… Never forget that these are entirely subjective opinions. You also see others in a certain way, whether positive or negative. In fact we’re always judging others, even if we don’t say it directly. The difference is certainly that people you mentioned allow themselves to tell you hateful and uninteresting things. Let’s take what you wrote about your weight. When I read you I have only one question in mind: how do you feel about it? It’s only what matters. Try to think about that without considering what others told you, even if it’s obviously hurtful. I totally get that. But your body is yours and this life is yours, not theirs.

Your parent’s standards are unrealistic. Not because you couldn’t reach them. But because it sounds like they’re not able to know themselves what they’re expecting from you. It’s destructive, but you can always distinguish their expectations from yours to protect yourself. Their expectations doesn’t have to be yours if it’s not helping you to grow in a positive way. The results you have at school are yours first, not theirs. In the best situation, they are proud of you, and it would be gratifying. And I understand the importance of gratification from the people we love. But if they’re not showing that for the moment, you can always be proud of yourself and your efforts.

I wished your loved ones offer you more support. But know that here we care about you. I see you. I’m deeply aware of your existence right now and understand what you’re going through. This situation doesn’t make you worthless at all. You have worth and value. And if your parents or other people can’t see that, how unique you are, then it’s their loss… I sincerely hope this situation will change for you, in a more positive way. And for the moment, I can only encourage you to work on seeing your own value with your own eyes. Try to keep only the positive from others. If it’s only hateful, then you don’t need it. Nobody does!

For what it’s worth, I’m glad you wrote this message and I’m glad you’re here. I’m proud of you because you shared that. And despite everything you’re going through, you are wonderful as you are right now. You’ll meet people in your life who will be respectful and show you they sincerely care. And right now there’s a whole community here for you.

Sending much Love your way. :two_hearts: