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I'm very alone

I hurt. My heart is broken and it physically hurts. I feel alone. More alone than I ever have in my life, and loneliness is a feeling I struggle with, and have, for… so many years. I feel abandoned, and betrayed, and just… shunned by the person I care about most. I feel so empty. The person says they love and says they care, but seems to love a whole other life they don’t want to include me in. I feel like every other person they talk to and have fun with is more important than me. They don’t tell me about anything that seems important. They act like spending time with me is a chore. They make efforts and spend money and time on everyone and everything else. With me it’s out of obligation or guilt. Not that it matters anymore because they left me now. Honestly, I just want to die. Maybe it sounds ridiculous, but I’m reaching past my prime. I won’t be able to settle down with someone I love, have a kid, hold someone on a cold night. Any of it. And I just don’t want to live with how unloved, unwanted, burdensome, difficult, and broken I am. I can never tell them this. But I have to say it somewhere outside of therapy. Therapy helps with my other issues, but I see the person I love acting like they want to be with other people and nothing helps with that feeling. That trust, that bond, is shattered. And I can’t get it back. And I don’t want it with anyone else. So I wish I would go to sleep and never wake again. I wish. Because sleep isn’t restful. I have nightmares constantly and wake up in a sweat. I cry any time, day or night. I am broken and at the end of my will to push on. I’m far too scared to botch ending my life, but I started making little stupid superficial scratches with a safety pin on my body again. Something I haven’t done since I was a teen. Something to sting to distract me from the pain in my chest threatening to knock the wind out of me. I am tired. So tired. And I miss being truly alive.

It sucks feeling unloved. I really get it. It surrounds you.
But no matter how annoyed you get when people tell you that staying alive is worth it, it’s really true. Yeah, life is harsh. But when you feel like you have nothing in this world, there is better ways to cope then self-harm. Find a hobby. No matter how stupid and meaningless it is, it’s something you’re doing. Getting better at with practice. Being a constant in life. Make some sort of tedious purpose for yourself and you will eventually realize your potential. You’ll be ready for better things.
I hope you figure this all out, man.

Thank you, I appreciate the words. The crappiest part is that I have hobbies, ones I’m good at. They bring me no sense of joy or peace right now. A slight distraction, but not enough to stay the clawing feeling in my chest. I don’t do heartbreak well, and this is the worst of them all. I just am tired of always coming to the same point of being alone. It might take different amounts of time, but I always end up not being good enough. I’m just tired. Physical pain just distracts me best. I’ve been working out when I can till I hurt, but at night in my bed, alone with no other outlet, I’ve turned back on myself. I know it’s not good at all, but there it is. I’m trying to talk myself out of it. Hopelessness is a really powerful emotion. I hate it.

@Pigeon Hey. I’m sorry that you feel unloved. It stinks to feel that way. I hate that our bodies and our minds tell us lies like that. I hate that we believe them because there isn’t anyone who can make us feel differently. Even though it doesn’t hurt to have someone right there saying they love you, or showing it to you, it’s something that ultimately has to come from within. If you haven’t asked your therapist for advice on this subject, you should definitely ask. If you have asked, maybe you can ask again. Keep reminding yourself that self harming is an unhealthy way to cope, and take things one day at a time. Hopefully you’ll start to heal soon.

I’m going to throw my two cents in here about hobbies and say… Try learning a new hobby. I know that might not seem feasible right now, but maybe just think of one you could try learning. You can figure out the details of when you start the process after you decide on a new one.

I get not getting into the hobbies I used to love 100%. I used to crochet. I crocheted everyday for over ten years. I used to be able to make queen size blankets in about two weeks, sometimes less, depending on the pattern. I was constantly buying yarn because of how fast I was going through the skeins. Then something happened and… well… I stopped crocheting completely. Couldn’t get into it, and even when I did try, it didn’t take my mind off of the things I needed it to. I had several hundred skeins of yarn and I ended up donating them.

I started on a new hobby- painting. Painting is something I had done a few times before, so I had some supplies, but it wasn’t something that I would have considered a hobby. It was just something that I had tried and so the supplies sat there, gathering dust. I immersed myself in it when I decided on a new hobby, and I learned enough to sometimes make a decent painting by myself, although I still need help with certain things. The one in my profile pic is one I made on my own.

My ultimate point is… the old hobbies aren’t interesting anymore because of depression, it makes us not want to do things we used to love. Plus, even if you could still enjoy it, you already know it intimately and so it won’t take your mind away from your problems. You go on autopilot, I guess you could say, and so you can still do your hobby and think of the things you don’t want to. A new hobby, one that you haven’t learned yet, can take your mind off of things. You have to concentrate on the learning, and figuring out the techniques. It would help you get away from the feelings in the moment. In the long run it isn’t good to run from the feelings, you still need to try to conquer them. Your therapist should be able to give you tools to help with them. But it wouldn’t hurt to try a new hobby.

I hope things start looking up for you soon.

:hearts:

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Thank you for the kind words. I’ll try to think on something new to learn. Nothing sounds interesting to me at the moment because everything hurts so much, but I’ll think on it.

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