So basically I’m pretty sure I’m a lost cause. I don’t think I’m ever gonna be able to make a single real friend. People feel nothing for me except pity, when I try to get to know someone it never goes past a superficial friendship where we just make jokes and stuff and never have a real connection at all. I’m completely unable to say nice things, even though I feel them I just can’t bring myself to say it, like when someone is having problems that they want to talk about I can’t comfort them or give advice, I can’t even give people compliments like “you’re a great friend, you’re so kind/funny/talented/whatever” and it’s hard for me to even wish people a happy birthday. Even though I love my friends and I want to say all these things so badly, I just don’t know what to say or how to say it and it makes me feel so uncomfortable that most of the time I freeze up before I can even try to say anything. Even when I do everything I say gets taken the wrong way, when I’m trying to comfort other people it always comes out wrong and sounds stupid or I end up somehow making it about me even when I intentionally try not to do that. I’m so disgusting that I can’t stop thinking about my own problems for 5 minutes when I’m trying to help someone who probably has it way worse than me. It’s gotten to the point that now when I even try to reach out to people they’ll just say “thanks but that’s okay” and I know it’s because I’m such an asshole. I’m worthless for everything but being funny, people will talk to me for a little while out of pity or because I seem interesting at first and then they get annoyed because I can’t take anything seriously, I can tell how uncomfortable they are around me. I see the difference between people who have real actual friendships and human connection, and the way people walk on eggshells around me trying to be nice out of pity because I’m so sad and pathetic. Not to mention actual relationships, I can’t even imagine someone being interested in me that way, I’ve never been asked out in my life and I’ve never approached anyone either because I know for a fact no one would ever be attracted to me, physically or for my personality or anything. I’m too weak to change as a person and I don’t know how I could get better at stuff like this anyways, I think something is wrong with my core personality that I can never fix. It’s like some part of my humanity or something is just missing and I can never be a regular person. And no one will ever care about me because most people that are weird and annoying at least have some kind of talents or something to make other people like them but I have nothing. I’m not good at anything, I draw but my art is too shitty to show anybody, I like photography and I’m actually good at it but none of my friends care about it when I try to bring it up and I don’t want to annoy them so I never talk about it anymore. All my few other hobbies are too weird and embarrassing to talk about too. I don’t have a job, I’ve been trying to apply for months now but I’ve only applied to 2 and never heard back from one and just straight up got rejected by the other. Even just trying to do an online application will give me a panic attack. I don’t know what I’ll do if I get a retail job and get fired because I couldn’t even do that right, if that happens then that means I’m literally worthless, if I can’t even do the lowest of the low job then what’s even the point of me being alive. I dropped out of high school in sophomore year because I couldn’t handle the stress, not really from the schoolwork but I had a really bad episode of depression and threatened to kill myself so my mom took me out of school. I got a GED and did well on it but what college would accept someone that couldn’t even finish high school? At this point I’ve forgotten almost everything I learned anyways and I can’t even read a book because my attention span has become so horrible, why I don’t know. But maybe I really am too stupid to get into college now. I’m only 20 years old and I feel like I’ve ruined my whole life and I have nothing, no chances of ever being happy again. I don’t know what to do anymore. None of this probably makes sense but I’m just gonna post it anyways, I don’t know what anyone could say to help me but I literally have nothing to lose so why not.
Thanks for sharing @nautilus and we as a community are happy your hear. I think in general communication with other folks is hard, it’s something I’ve had to work on. You mentioned that you’re unable to say nice things even though you feel them. Have you ever talked to a therapist on why that may be? It sounds like your a caring person it’s just bringing that caring aspect out a bit more.
In regards to a relationship, I’m sure there is someone out there for you. The idea that “no one would ever be attracted to me” is a lie we tell ourselves along with lies about our self worth.
It sucks that high school was difficult and you didn’t finish but it’s awesome you got your GED. A lot of community colleges around me accept folks with a GED and it’s a cheaper way to see how you like college vs a 4 year school.
I don’t believe that you’re too stupid to get into college, I think you have a ton of potential. I think a great place is to find out what’s important to you, if it’s a particular field or cause, see if you can volunteer with it. It’d provide some experience and you’d be around others who care about the same things.
Thank you for joining our community and sharing your troubles with us. I want to start off by saying that t’s incredibly brave of you to decide to voice your feelings like this. When I read this post, I don’t see a weak or sad or stupid or pathetic person; I hear a person who is dealing with their problems and is strong enough to seek help when they need it.
I think a lot of us here can relate to your feelings of isolation. Navigating relationships is hard; it definitely can be difficult to find people to genuinely relate to, and you are not alone in your struggles. But you’re so young-- we’re the same age!-- and it is absolutely NOT true that you have ruined your life, or can never be happy again. I often feel the exact same way, but somehow, you and I, we’re still here, living, struggling, trying– and that’s wonderful, that’s brave, that’s breathtaking! The fact that we’re here trying to be better people and find real connections in this crazy world is a wonderful miracle. And it’s a sign that if we’ve gotten this far, we can make it farther.
Now, about your academic life: I’m absolutely no expert on college admissions, but since you have a GED and did well on it, I fully believe that you could attend a community college nearby. It’s what I would have done if I could not have attended a state college. Maybe you’ll have to take more intro classes because of the lack of a high-school degree, but everyone starts somewhere, and no one decent will judge you for having a different starting point. If you want to try for community college first, and then acquire enough gen-ed credits to transfer to a state college, you’d also save money in tuition! So I think it would be a good idea to reach out to a recruiter at your local community colleges and ask about enrollment, and classes you can take each semester, and ask state uni’s how their transfer admissions work as well.
As for the friendship thing… I know it’s hard. I’m sorry that you’ve been feeling this sort of isolation from others for so long; you don’t deserve that; you are not pathetic and there is no fundamental flaw in you that makes you deserve to be lonely. It’s just that sometimes, we tend to put ourselves down and get used to negativity that makes it hard for us to express emotions to others. I know I often feel awkward and needy when I become vulnerable around other people. But expressing yourself, telling people you love them, wishing them happy birthday, being emotionally open with them-- that’s all a risk that’s worth taking, and a risk worth practicing. Take your time to be open with yourself about what you want and what’s been holding you back from expressing your feelings to other people, and maybe try going to a counselor who can also help you get more comfortable with speaking to other people. It’s going to be a difficult process, and it’ll take time, but things that are difficult like this are worth doing. Just remember that you’re a person, and people are flawed, but flaws are there to be overcome-- and you can overcome them.
About relationships: I feel the exact same way. It’s normal to really want a romantic relationship, and to feel bereft when it seems like all the media does is portray couples who are attractive, perfect, etc etc. But real life is almost never perfect like that anyway. Although it’s easy to find all sorts of problems with yourself when you’re questioning why you aren’t in a relationship, just take a deep breath and remember that you’re not on a deadline; there is no expiration date to your worth as a person; and that relationships, friendships, and a lot of other things worth having often take time to find and nurture. People you haven’t met will care about you-- and people who already know you do care about you, and people who have just read this post also care about you. And you deserve that care. And focusing on yourself, on calming and loving yourself, and making yourself happier and more open, is the best way to find meaningful relationships of all kinds, with people that will see you and love you for who you are.
Finally (and I hope this 5809284 million word answer wasn’t way too long!), your hobbies, like photography, are not stupid. It’s good that you have something you love, no matter how “weird” it is, no matter how many people around you will understand or care. What matters is that you love it, and that it makes you happier, and genuine people will be happy that you are happy with whatever you are doing.
Much love and big hugs to you.