My brother drives very carefully on the road so the only wreck that would happen would be from some reckless driver from behind. I put my spine on the backseat so if there was a wreck the impact would go to my spine, maybe paralyzing me from the waist down. There was no wreck. But I really wish I had a way to be paralyzed. Because wouldn’t that make life better? I get I need to do better about self harm but is that really bad? You might feel that way, but I don’t think so.
Hey @anon48571861 sometimes we get thoughts like that but what they say don’t help us. Would say that it would be a good thing for someone else? If no they apply that to yourself because you are the same as other people. Deserving of care and love and all the good thing that come your way.
No, @anon48571861 It would absolutely not be better. You would be trapped in your own body and yeah, you might not be able to shelf harm, but that’s not all. You can’t scratch yourself if you have an itch, you can’t feed yourself, you can’t go the restroom without help; without someone cleaning you after you you’re done. The only thing you’ll be able to do is sit there with your thoughts. You won’t even be able to come here and get support.
Is that really what you want?
I could aim low, at least under my arms. I can always drag myself easily and if they ever get too heavy they can get amputated. The less I move, the less I’ll have to worry about the thing I have to do. And I’d be fine with not doing things on my own. As long as I can move my arms. And then maybe someone will understand I’m not as bad as they thought. And I’m really good at not eating so I won’t grow too much. Things will be okay. Things will get better. So much better.
Even if you aim low you could still mess up and be immobilize everywhere. You could also mess up and not even do enough damage to immobilize you and then you would just be in pain. You don’t deserve that. You deserve to get better but immobilizing yourself won’t help. It can only make things worse.
A 1000000xs NO.
Are you thinking that a drastic change to your body will cause you to feel better, because you will have less body to feel?
What is the major thing/feeling/action you think being paralysed would give you? What will it take away from you?
I am so sorry that you’re hurting so much inside now. I really am sorry that these thoughts are what are bringing your comfort. We love you and we want you to be happy and healthy and safe. Thank you for feeling safe enough here to share it with us. Please keep doing so, we love having you and sharing this space with you!
If I fail and it gives me pain I’ll still be in the hospital for a long time at it will be easier the next time. It still would be good
But putting yourself in pain doesn’t help solve the problem or make you feel better. It could only make things worse for you and you don’t deserve that. If you feel like you need to go a hospital for your problems then go. Do what you need to get better and heal.
As @Lizzy says absolutely NOT. if a person has mental health problems and lets faces it most of us do here, how on earth would being paralyzed make that any better at all? As Lizzy says if anything it would make it a million times worse because then there is no way to escape your thoughts. No body would ever ever wish that upon another person and you should not be wishing that upon yourself either. You are worth more than that.
Being paralysed is not the same as not feeling, there is so much more pain and trauma from such a devastating injury physically, not to mention all the emotional pain that comes with such an injury.
Do you want to visit to the hospital and be taken seriously? Could this be why you are thinking a huge physical injury will make people take your internal pain more seriously? Are you following your safety plan?
You know what would be even better?
If you told someone about these thoughts you’re having. They can put you in the hospital without you having to be paralyzed. You don’t need to permanently or even temporary hurt yourself in order to be cared for by people who actually want to see you get better. If you’re honest with them and tell them everything that you’re thinking, then they can help you the right way. You can stay in the hospital and just rest without pain and suffering.
Please think about that my friend. All of us here want to see you get better because we love you
I don’t want to go to a mental hospital, and the pain would be bearable knowing the outcome. Injury always is emotionally better for me and I could escape my thoughts. I’d then only have to think about the thoughts of dragging myself out of bed into my parents room to be with them, instead of stress. People will be happy with me more because they see I’m trying my best. I’m trying my best all the time but they never believe me. And I can wish these thoughts upon myself because I know what I want, I don’t know what you want. I know you want me to feel better, but this will make me feel better, and plus, no one would have to take care of me for long. I’m going to kill myself anyways when I’m 20. The age where I will succeed. So I can be with my family forever. And no one will come to me when I’m 21 and say how worthless I am.
What do I want? I want my pain to go away, I don’t want to be paranoid that people hate me, I don’t want to think about not wanting to be on this planet anymore, I don’t want to think about harming myself, I don’t want to have fibro and diabetes. I want to be able to take a walk without pain, even down to the corner and back. I want to be loved and I want to love.
I want to have a normal life, just like you.
Have you ever tried to be good to yourself and try to love yourself instead? Why do you think you have to suffer in order to escape your thoughts? Imagine how awesome it would be to do something fun and having your bad thoughts melt away instead of being ashamed of hurting yourself and feeling bad again? OVER and OVER?
these thoughts are all feeding each other and reinforcing themselves. Without some intervention, in whatever form, how will you be able to be free of them? No-one wants to go to a mental hospital, but sometimes we have to acknowledge when we need that extra bit of help, some outside perspective, some assistance.
I LOVE this so much, I got teary-eyed at it:
When we’re down, it is very very hard to see a way out, except other strategies that are also not the best or more helpful. That’s why this wall is sooo helpful, there are so many genuine people here who care, who are cheering for us, who are willing to listen.
I know you want to pain to end, why not give this one strategy a try? There isn’t anything to lose, but maybe there could be something to gain?
Why do I care so much? I keep waking up everyday, perfectly mobilized, crying because things didn’t end up how they should after my stupid set up. Why does it matter to me so much? I fall asleep ever night hoping I can make my last post about how it’s finally over. About how I don’t move anymore. I get that no one else understands and no one else thinks its okay but… It just feels so right. Please help. Its my thought and my consciousness and the little in between that makes all my stupid choices that I can’t control. And if my mind wants it so much why doesn’t it do the deed?
And if my mind wants it so much why doesn’t it do the deed?
Because our mind is not like a highway. It’s more complex. It can actually follow different directions at the same time, even opposite ones. We can love and hate. Feeling desperate yet hopeful. Feeling exhausted yet full of life. Feeling attraction and rejection. Being human is complex by definition.
You said that “no one else understand”, but I have to say that it’s not true. Many people here understand how it is to have two different “voices” inside of our mind. One that is focused on the pain and want it to end. The other that wants to believe that there are other ways to find peace than ending ourselves. You are alternating between those two. And you know it, even if it’s hard to admit it.
Your mind doesn’t do the deed because unlike what it tries to convince you, I don’t think you want to be immobilized. I think you want to feel better. To find peace. To not have this constant stress that makes you feel like you can’t breathe. You see others around you who seem to be able to embrace life in a way you don’t understand, and you want that. But how to get there? You know having allies as well is important to respond to this question, because moving forward only by ourselves can be pretty draining, if not dangerous, and the answers dont appear suddenly.
I think you want to be heard and you want your needs to be met. Which is not to be immobilized… but to have a freaking break from this constant pain and pressure. To not have to justify yourself for things you can’t do, because your energy is already focused on battling against things that are invisible for most people. You want those battles to be seen and not dismissed. Because heck yes, you deserve to be acknowledged for being here despite the pain, for not giving up regardless of your motivation behind.
I acknowledge you. I see you. And I want for you something so much better than being stuck in a bed for the rest of your life.
I don’t know if you ever watched the movie “Speak”, but what you’ve shared here reminds me of it. The story is about a girl who was sexually assaulted during a party. After that event, she doesn’t talk about it to anyone, and even more, she can’t speak anymore. She feels misunderstood, dismissed, unseen, like no one understands. At some point, she goes into a hospital by herself, and she sneaks in an empty bedroom, silently. She decides to wear the hospital clothes and lay in the bed. The entire scene is silent. We only hear what’s on her mind as a narrative voice. She waits for someone to enter and ask her what she’s doing here, what she’s struggling with. Because being in a hospital bed could justify having a bit of care from someone while mental health… it’s not that visible, right? But at the same time, you can see that she’s scared of the idea that someone could enter. Finally, she leaves the hospital and no one notices her presence or the fact that she was there.
She also experiences this horrible wall between her and others, and this double temptation of being here, fighting for herself, but staying unseen and unnoticed. She knows saying “I’m not okay” to the right people is the step she needs to take in order to finally, find peace. Not instantly of course, but to initiate a process that would let her heal like she deserves. But at the same time, she’s afraid of this perspective. Her mind says no, her body says no. The door remains closed.
I don’t want your door to be closed. And I don’t believe that you need to be immobilized to finally be at peace and receive the love you need, and deserve. I know you know it. That’s why you’re here. That’s why you probably feel safe here. Because it’s reaching out without reaching out. Thought-provoking ideas can be shared, yet you know you will never read something like: “yes, go for it, go hurt yourself” around here. Because your mind is complex. Because you’re human. Because you know, as much as you’re in pain, that taking a leap and being vulnerable is key. Not only to seemingly strangers on the Internet. But with people who can actually guide you practically and take actions to support you.
We want the best for you. You may not want it, or maybe not all the time, or only patially, or even just silently. But the reason why you are here today, why I’m here as well, why we’re all on this forum, is because a part of us knows that giving up is not the solution. It’s not even just a matter of belief. It’s something that we know. Although it is scary to take a step further in order to be helped, but it is the right thing to do. Doing the right thing is uncomfortable. Healing is about stepping out of our comfort zone - sometimes pain has been there for so long that it becomes our new normal, yet we need to reverse that tendency.
I don’t intend to forget or leave unnoticed what you shared on your other post about the idea to reach out to your parents, by the way. I still encourage you to do so. To let go of your fears and to let them know what’s going on. Just one word, one minute, as the first step is the scariest one. But we would still be here for you as well. You would navigate in unknown waters, yet you would still have a safe place to land when the stress gets too much.
I hope, with all my heart, that knowing that you have a safety net right here will be a pillar of strength to you in order to get the help you deserve. You may not believe in yourself or your worth, but it’s still the most beautiful gift you could do to yourself.
Don’t reach out only halfway. You deserve better, really. You deserve your needs to be met. To feel seen, loved, understood and supported. But to access to this, your loved ones need you to let them know that something is wrong. Give a chance to the people who love you to actually and actively care for you.
That’s called suicidal ideation and it happens when we “think” that killing ourselves is the only way out. We fantasize about it, we plan how we’re going to do it, but we don’t do it because deep down we don’t want to die, we want to live. All the crap going on in your head right now is just desperation to feel better and you’re mental challenges are causing you to believes it’s lies telling you that killing yourself is the only way out.
Trust me, I’ve been there.
PS. That’s why you keep coming here for support. That’s the good parts of your mind that are screaming really fucking loud for you to hear. WE NEED HELP BECAUSE WE WANT TO LIVE.
your thoughts are all reinforcing themselves. Unless you can get new ideas to replace those thoughts, you’ll be stuck here. There is a part of you that wants better, wants different, that’s why you’re here with us, and letting us help you. You deserve that help.
No-one ever wants to go into hospital for treatment, but ESPECIALLY your suicidal thoughts will fight this because they know that they will be treated and hushed if you do. So they will fight the idea.
So why not give it a try? Why not give yourself a chance to feel something different? I can’t promise you will feel magically better, but hopefully it can help you break the cycle of thoughts you’re having now, and give you some other strategies for coping.
This is another part of it, I’m glad you brought this up. You know that old christian idea that if you try to find god that satan will try his best to get in the way? It’s the classic good over evil fight. The basic message is to focus on the good and not the bad. The bad will creep up unannounced all the time, but we need to tell the bad to walk behind us. I don’t know if this makes any sense, but it did in my head.
So, mental illness is the bad and it’s telling you that being good to yourself isn’t going to help you. The good is the instinct to come here and get support. Every time you post we come to help and you come back the next day after saying goodbye each time. Good is winning, @anon48571861. Good keeps fighting for you to live… listen to it.