Impulsivity and motivation CW: self-harm

I have this problem that’s gotten a lot worse recently: I can’t bring myself to do anything unless it’s on impulse. I rot in my bed for days upon weeks upon months, only getting up to eat or use the bathroom; and then all of a sudden I’ll get the urge to randomly deep clean my room, or wash all the dishes that have been piling up, etc, etc…
I don’t think this would be as big of a problem as it is if episodes of impulsivity were strictly about cleaning, or being productive, or whatever; but a lot of the time if I’ll get the urge to harm myself or others and if I don’t do these things I get very paranoid or antsy, basically reacting in any way that isn’t good.
I’ve been trying to deal with this on my own for as long as I can remember but recently it’s just gotten so bad I don’t know what to do with myself, I’m worried I’ll do something I regret to myself or my loved ones and that’s a very scary thing to fear.
Can someone please try to help me or at least give me some kind of support :(?

2 Likes

Hey there Slimesy,

First I just want to say thank you for being so open with us here, we appreciate it and don’t take it for granted. Sharing how you feel, and what you are going/have gone through helpps other s feel less alone in what they have been though, so thank you so much.

I am so glad you have posted here, I am proud of you for reaching out for support.

I relate to what you have posted here SO MUCH.

I feel like I have been dealing with a similar issue for a lot of my life. As a kid I would say it was pretty easy to clean, to make my mom happy with me, but as I have gotten older- gotten depressed, anxious, started to have overwhelming thoughts- it has gotten so much harder. I still try to use my boyfriend being surprised with the amount of stuff I did when he gets home from work as a pro to do these things like the dishes or laundry, but it’s gotten to a point where that just isn’t really enough anymore. I try to restart my life, or my home, on like a Sunday, thinking that will solve all my problems but I expect too much from myself and unfortunately do not live up to those expectations for me- so, things pils up again, and I try the same thing the next weekend, and I go in kind of a cycle. It sucks, it is so hard to be consistent and to have the energy and want to do the every day tasks to keep things up to par for your sanity.

When it gets very messy in the apartment, my boyfriend can tell I am getting frustrated, as I get annoyed or snappy- which is not deserved in any way. Something I have been trying to do for a while now is make a plan, I will clean this on this day and this the next so i won’t overload myself… it has not been successfully done by me yet, but it has gotten a bit better, and I think that is a great place to start. Another thing I have been trying to do is just take care of something when I see it- when I walk in the door I hang up my keys, put my shoes away- at least I try to. The little things can add up and make things feel a lot better.

I have also had a struggle with self harm over the years since I was young. Sometimes it just gets so messy in the apartment and yes, I have a little breakdown. I have been there where I was slamming my fists into my head or just sobbing thinking things will never get better. Please know you are not alone in this, you are strong. You worth the fight.

Something my mom taught me when I was a young kid, was sometimes you just need to step away and take a break, take a minute or two or five. Remind yourself it’s gonna be okay, you CAN overcome this obstacle. From there, take small steps… for some people they do the hardest thing first, other start with the easiest- whatever works for you that is healthy. Sometimes I put on some music, or a YouTube video to get through the process.

I hope this has been a little helpful in some way; just know you are not alone in these feelings or struggles and it can and WILL get better with time and work. Try to stay in the moment, I feel like it makes things less daunting.

Take it easy my friend.

With love,
Lys

2 Likes