In a bad state right now

From cinderman_: hello there folks, name’s Cinder and since covid strikes , my life has been in a hellhole until this day. From 10th grade my grades are having a steady decline until 11th grade, now well this time in 12th grade, the final year, the senior year…it’s taking a nosedive rn. Im scared like legit REALLY SCARED, It all comes down to my heavily despised tendency to procrastinate, tried different tips but i always back in square one again and again and again and again AND AGAIN. I used to be a pretty great student in elementary and middle school but now well, that time is long gone. Now here’s the thing, I HAVE PORN ADDICTION and again covid messed me up big time so you know the results, scrolling thorough porn sites as a coping mechanism, fapping before sleep, etc. I am suspicious that I have an adhd, but i cant self diagnosed myself, and i dont even know if this porn addiction caused me to have adhd-like tendecies. Oh and through my days in 12th grade, i often overthink or having anxiety ALMOST EVERYDAY. Felt strange y’know, lemme tell me who I look up too, SPIDER-MAN, my number one favorite super here, I want to live up to his motto which is “With Great Power, Comes Great Responsibility”. I WANT TO HELP PEOPLE OKAY! WITH PURE INTENTIONS! but my mind said otherwise, IT WANTS ATTENTION and I am 100% aware of that so I often felt that i failed to live up to that quote.

It felt like I lost my empathy, i always forced myself to help others and they appreciated it. It felt good but also not good because once again I WANT ATTENTION. I felt like my future is not lookin good, doing blue collar jobs for example. And lastly i am skinny and insecure with my body image so that’s why I always wear a black bomber jacket because it make me look cool as hell oh and i have a fast metabolism, so maybe thats why i always looked skinny even though I often eat meals with massive portions or maybe it’s because I fapped everyday. i felt like i wanted to give up, because im tired.

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Hey cinder, thanks for sharing. I know it’s not always easy to talk about struggles, so we always take careful consideration when people come with their burdens and with the hurt that’s in their heart.

Firstly procrastination is something that can be easily dived into. Sometimes it comes from being overwhelmed and over stimulated. Sometimes our brains need genuine rest and it’s perceived as laziness and a bad thing.
I know in my life I have to plan out times of being proactive and times that I rest and I have to really ensure that I don’t spiral into feeling bad and anxious about relaxing. Maybe it could be a case of making a plan to study for an hour or two and then take a break. Some people find it helpful to make a planner or write down what they want to achieve and break it into small and manageable steps.

It’s a human habit to look for something to help us cope in stressful situations and while some can be seen as harmless, depending on how reliant we are on them, they can all impede on us in some way. I don’t think this necessarily means that there is any particular disorder that relates, it’s something that a lot of people go through. But if you are after a diagnosis, then of course a GP can point you in the right direction. What can tend to be process is that we get a hit of dopamine from something that makes us feel good, and that in turn creates more desire for it, after a while the level of interaction we have with said coping mechanism starts to feel like it doesn’t have the same desired affect because our brains become somewhat immune to it, so we seek for more and hence the addiction cycle can start to form.

This doesn’t make anyone a bad person or mean that they can’t be a reliable person and help others. It can sometimes mean we have to take care of our own well-being before we help others, but that’s actually a very wonderful thing. We don’t deserve to sacrifice our own health and well being for the sake of others. You don’t actually have to feel bad about wanting to have some attention, because to me that is just asking for help. That is actually a very noble thing to acknowledge.

As far as being skinny, people are different and their bodies are all different. Masturbation does not play a role in how our bodies look, I think some people just have to try different approaches in diets and exercise to build muscle. Some people have to do that to lose weight. All bodies are different and respond differently. It’s okay to want to improve your health or even your looks to feel better about being in your body. There’s no judgement here.

What I would encourage is trying to open a conversation with your family or someone you trust about how you are feeling.
And maybe to explore what your school counsellor says about your feelings of your grades. They might be able to find a study plan that doesn’t feel so overwhelming for you