Thought I should talk about the issue with my parents because I talk quite a bit about them but I never went in depth with that.
My mom and dad are devoted Christians, they both raised me into Christianity and always had been very connected with it. We always went to church and such and when we moved over to Florida there was a shift in their behavior, they seem to be more connected, their behavior began to shift and they followed along what the people around them said.
I was young but they seem to have tried to put me in their view of what they wanted, I really wasn’t comfortable being forced to pray and such. They seem to want me behave in such a specific way they always tell me “Christian girls don’t do that”, “You are a devoted catholic young lady”
I in a way felt like my emotions and opinions were ignored, as they begun to enforce me to be christian. I was closed off from the outside world aswell, I didn’t have a phone until near the beginning of freshmen year but even then they had restrictions, and looked over any website I went through or what I watched on YouTube, I felt like I was constantly being watched. I don’t know, I just feel so unnerved I can’t be in my own bubble, everything I do is being observed, whevener that paranoia happens I sorta take a back seat and dissociate.
After I told my parents my love for women (before I accepted myself as bi and transgender), there was a rather, huge shift in their behavior. It went for them having a grip on me and pushing me to be religious like them to being boxed in unwillingly and I never had a say.
I feel like my voice had no say in the matter, I couldn’t say anything otherwise. They would tell me they would feel horrible if I went to hell and they want whats best for me, I can’t let them continue to hurt right? Even though I hade wearing bras and having my face caked up with make-up, wearing overly feminine things, and praying to someone I don’t believe in.
I always get anxious over religion too, the thought of it or going to church unnerves me and leaves me anxious thinking about life and death. My brain sorta just spins around how I die or what happens after, my mother and father always talk about it, heaven and hell, life and death, afterlife… and when I try to pipe in I don’t feel comfortable they tell me I should toughen up and “look to god” even though that’s also the reason about why I’m like this.
I just feel like my emotions shouldn’t matter, I’m dragging my weight around. Any time I bring up my sexual orientation they begin to cry, and they tell me they will feel bad about me going to hell and I don’t want to cause them pain anymore, even if I have to shut up and not say about my emotions and opinions to keep them happy I’ll do it.
I just don’t know what to do, be who I am, but be a burden, or to be silent and let those around me happy, but I can’t express myself. I for the most part chose to be silent, never it is my intent to make people like my parents upset.
Hell, this account was made without them being aware, I found a balance of just talking about stuff here and other places and still being silent while finding a spot to express myself, I may still be boxed in but at least I have a hole where I can do something. I mean, they both have helped me with some things, I have a roof over my head, food on my plate, clothes, stuff I like, I don’t get physically hurt either…I feel like I’m just being a brat… I don’t know its just a complex experience really.