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In The Moment: In A Darkened Place (Random Thoughts)

I am NOT in a good place mentally at the moment. Im so mentally EXHAUSTED after today with my thoughts going all over the place and being irrational. I think I had a minor break down in my bathroom earlier this evening (I’ve never really experienced an actual mental breakdown before or probably have but never realized it up to now). Fleeting suicidal thoughts filled my head due to the irrational thoughts.

I think I need a break…or go…just go some place. But where? COVID is making it difficult to do anything outside of my home except walk around my property. I want to SCREAM…I want to scream until my lungs give out. I NEED a RELEASE. There’s so much I want to let out, but there’s no place nearby to walk to so I can be by myself. I can’t let it all out at home since I live with my mom. I dont really feel safe talking to my OWN MOTHER about my mental health struggles.

I never told her about my self harm relapse… nor my brother yet. I want to tell him, but just him and not my mother. I dont know why. I think I’m afraid she’ll disown me and kick me out of the house (She’s a Catholic from the Philippines and mental health is pretty much stigmatized there).

I need sleep…I can’t think straight and Im still feeling the negatives effects as of posting.

Im losing my concentration at this point, so Ill stop here. I hope from reading this post, you understand where I currently am mentally.

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Hi Tom. I can relate to the fear of telling a parent about something crucially important about one’s life but worrying about a very bad reaction. If you trust your brother with that information, that sounds like a great idea to tell him, so that you have someone close to you in person who you can rely on for support. I hope from the bottom of my heart that tomorrow will be a more pleasant day for you, everyone on this site is here for you. :slight_smile:

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Hi Tom.

I want you to know, that you always have someone here to talk to. Always. As everyone’s lives are vastly different from one another’s, I don’t know your situation. But I know the feeling of being afraid to tell someone about my mental health issues for fear of them abandoning me. But I am glad that you are comfortable enough to open up here. That’s what we’re all here for. I’m hoping that you see this, and that you have gotten some rest since you last posted. I’m sending virtual hugs your way.

<3 Tara

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I just joined today. So im kinda new to the site but not to depression and anxiety. I have and am were you are don’t give up reach out to people even if there strangers some of the best conversations that i have had were with people i didn’t know and realizing how much we have in common. I know this is especially hard for a lot of people right now. As my name indicates i am an agoraphobic so the staying in part i have had a lot of practice with. I agree with @SoaringOwl talking with your brother or talk to someone anyone message me ill listen. Sometime just getting it off your chest with someone that has had same life issues is good. I deal with my depression anxiety and agoraphbia everyday. What amazed me was when i started opening up to people about my issues and finding out that there were people with issues just like me that i have know for years it makes you feel less alone and starts you down a better path.

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I understand how you would want to tell your brother and not your mother about it.
I don’t know how to make you better.
I want to howl, but it’s caged inside me right now, so I couldn’t howl for you.
I know this makes no since, but it’s just the way I am, that I understand it and then it makes me have to cry out like a wild animal.
When I have this kind of thing happen to me, I tell my sister, and not my mother or father. I had some sort of breakdown in the hallway one time when I was telling my sister how I felt.
To think about the past would not HELP. It would makes things worse, but it might turn you back into you again. I am really getting depressed to hear that your mother would kick you out.

Im sorry! I dont mean that my mom WOULD kick me out of the house; it’s the irrational thoughts that cause me to overthink/over-analyze.

Thank you everyone for your responses! I really appreciate it :heart:

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