I am NOT in a good place mentally at the moment. Im so mentally EXHAUSTED after today with my thoughts going all over the place and being irrational. I think I had a minor break down in my bathroom earlier this evening (I’ve never really experienced an actual mental breakdown before or probably have but never realized it up to now). Fleeting suicidal thoughts filled my head due to the irrational thoughts.
I think I need a break…or go…just go some place. But where? COVID is making it difficult to do anything outside of my home except walk around my property. I want to SCREAM…I want to scream until my lungs give out. I NEED a RELEASE. There’s so much I want to let out, but there’s no place nearby to walk to so I can be by myself. I can’t let it all out at home since I live with my mom. I dont really feel safe talking to my OWN MOTHER about my mental health struggles.
I never told her about my self harm relapse… nor my brother yet. I want to tell him, but just him and not my mother. I dont know why. I think I’m afraid she’ll disown me and kick me out of the house (She’s a Catholic from the Philippines and mental health is pretty much stigmatized there).
I need sleep…I can’t think straight and Im still feeling the negatives effects as of posting.
Im losing my concentration at this point, so Ill stop here. I hope from reading this post, you understand where I currently am mentally.