I’ve spent the better part of the last three days in bed. Some of that asleep for hours at a time, others staring at the ceiling/walls or watching a show on my phone. I shut down completely. It was like a switch flipped behind me and I couldn’t reach to turn it back on. I feel blindsided by pain. My thoughts are like mud, unclear yet lingering. I have little hope things will ever get better. I keep coming back to the fact that this is 6 years of this ugly thing called depression that has taken the best parts of me. I’ll never be who I used to be. I never realized how much I liked that person until it was too late. I miss me. What I’ve become is just a waste of human. Bones pressed with crushing weight to where I’m closer than ever to being completely home bound. I’ve lost my optimism that things will change, that they can get better, that my quality of life doesn’t have to be this way anymore. I’m so stuck I can’t get out. I don’t know how to ask for help or where to start. Because I’ve gone silent and isolated myself, a few have reached out to see how I am and I don’t know how to reply. Saying that I feel like shit and I’m in this place again feels like a failure. I feel like a broken record, depression stuck on repeat. Whenever these lows come I feel like I’m sinking, fighting the current that’s taking me down, but always sinking deeper away from the surface.
First of all. I love you. I cherish you. I appreciate you. (Which auto corrected to “I inappropriate you”… Hah) You and I have, I feel, very quickly connected over the last week or so. I’ve come to know more about you. Our friendship has bloomed. And I just really appreciate that we have had that even though I know there is a lot going on. Even if you have had moments of retreating into silence. That’s okay. Me too. I see you and I love you, even when you’re silent and don’t know how to reach out.
I can relate so much to this. A lot of heart support folk probably don’t see it because when I isolate from the world, This is the only place I talk. So here, people see me being social when actually, I’m completely isolating, unplugging and shutting off everything else around me. I just lay in bed, I don’t want to get up. I don’t want to get dressed. I don’t want to shower. Depression consumes me and I drown in it.
I feel so much of your heart. I see so much of myself in the things that you say. There are elements of myself that I miss. Being able to physically be more functional. Even if it was still limited before, I miss the time I could do things I can’t now. I miss the less heavy me. Not this bigger me. The me that wasn’t so in-prisoned in my home due to crippling pain, anxiety, depression and health.
Honey. You can be a broken record all you need. Seriously. I feel that way too sometimes. Often. Okay, all of the time. And I guilt when I share my feelings with my closest friends and my partner. I feel bad for dragging them in my mess. But, they also continue to remind me they love me and they are here. The same as I’m going to tell you.
When you are ready. Even if you aren’t ready and you manage to find the energy to reach out. I’m here. You have my phone number. It’s okay to just say “I’m having a hard time” - and I will love you. Encourage you. And remind you how cherished you are. What a treasure you are. Even if you can’t see it. And if you just need to ugly cry, vent, be a broken record then, okay! You do it. And I’ll embrace you with warmth until you feel you got it out. Sometimes it’s good just to have someone to listen. And if you need that and don’t want a response. Let me know. And I’ll just be a space to receive you.
My sweet friend. I hope that you get feeling better. I know this fight. I feel like we are soul sisters. Because we just have so many things in common. My heart just sees yours. I get it. I’m here with you. Every step. I’m by you. Please know that. Even when you’re not talking or being social. Please remember that I am there next to you. I see you. I care. Okay?
I’m sending you a ladder. When you’re ready, climb on up. I’ll see you at the top. Ready for a hug. And we can talk.
You seem like your very in touch with your emotions. Very descriptive in the way you feel. Have you tried journaling? I find that often helps clear my thoughts and feelings. Even just writing to yourself as you were a friend describing all the great qualities you have can help. Poetry can also be a great outlet.
I’m so sorry it feels like failure to say that. Please know it isn’t. It’s very brave no matter how horrible it feels to say it. I know that feeling and the stigma that surrounds it.
You say you liked the person you used to be. Is there any small part of that person you can rekindle? Get to know that person again even in a tiny way? I know it feels hopeless and like nothing will ever get better, but what might that person you once were say to you as you are today? Anything that might be of use or comfort?
I am so sorry you are in this place. Keep fighting against the current.