7 days. I made my decision. To not. I did start yesterday on day 7. But then my mom walked in. She didn’t know what I was doing, fortunately. But I don’t want to get caught. So I can’t risk it. I’m shutting off myself for a while. Just so I can escape. But I’m done. I did have a rough last night. I contemplated suicide. I thought up a plan. I won’t. I’m done. I’m stopping my stupid problem. Why did I just think not to whenever I did. Oh well. I’m ending it and putting some time aside to read. To make sure I stop. For good.
I guess your post is a bit elusive on purpose, so I hope I’m not misunderstanding by saying this, but it seems that this part of you willing to fight is the one that won when you posted? It sounds that you had a really rough night, indeed. I know it can be pretty disturbing and discouraging to feel on the edge like this, in this weird space when we feel both alive but not really, when there’s both this eager to live and yet an attraction for something darker.
Know that your problems are never stupid. You are part of this community and what you’re going through is important to us. Thank you once again for sharing your heart. I hope you are taking care of yourself right now, as much as possible. As always, you are not alone. You are seen. You are heard. You matter.