I am currently sitting in my bedroom, waiting for the meds to kick in and for the tears to stop.
I am debating who I could call or message, but it is too late for most of my people here to call, and I cannot bother my people overseas.
So I am alone, once again.
I feel so incredibly unlovable and broken, so messy and irreparable, useless and pathetic.
I am a burden tp everyone who knows me, and I want to lift this heaviness from their shoulders.
I do not want to be here anymore and I do not want to wake up in the morning.
Everything inside of me is falling apart and crumbling.
It feels like its raining, that its pouring, and I am sitting on the street, waiting for a car to run me over.
I know, people say that it will get better, if I only want it enough,
But you cannot change the weather by changing your point of view.
When I think about today being my last day (hypothetically), I am not mad at it and it is such a relief in my heart.
I love this community, but I feel like it is time to pack my bags.
I’ve been on that bathroom floor before waiting for my meds to kick in. I won’t offer much advice because I’m currently in a dark place, but my trick was feeling the cool tub on my forehead, and then moving when the coolness disappeared.
That’s tough to hear. I wanted to reply to one specific part that really hit me:
Blockquote
I feel so incredibly unlovable and broken, so messy and irreparable, useless and pathetic.
I am a burden to everyone who knows me, and I want to lift this heaviness from their shoulders.
Sometimes it feels like the Internet is not “real life” but when I look at your profile I see you read about our problems for over a year, shared 167 posts, and 295 hearts! (Sorry for the Stalking…)
So in short: you are definitely NOT unlovable, useless and pathetic. Broken and messy? Maybe at the moment - I feel so too sometimes. But you matter! We all do. And I really appreciate what you do here; even with sharing the post above so courageously… <3
Hey friend, are you safe right now ? I really hope you are okay. Please Please call a hotline if you are in danger of harming yourself. Life can be really dark sometimes. I truly understand that. But the world is better with you in it. You are so strong. Hold fast