Inside my own thoughts

These last few weeks have been so rough. My parents on the brink of divorce and I’m stuck in the middle. My sisters are blaming me for it, and I don’t even live there. Living on my own out of the abuse, but feeling worse than ever. So much has happened and I can’t get out of my head.

The last few days have been especially rough. I keep thinking about how much I don’t want to be alive anymore… my head is trying to turn me against the people I love so very much. I try to reach out in times I need help, but I feel so ignored when it takes hours to get a single reply after messaging 12 different people. I can’t help but feel that my one safe place is being stripped from in front of me.

Before you ask about the basic things, I’m doing everything right. I’m eating, sleeping, getting out so I’m not alone all day, even if it’s just a walk to the shop for a chocolate bar… I’m attending recovery meetings, praying and taking my medication. I just don’t know what more to do in order to keep myself alive through all of this. I feel like no one cares and people are falling away from me. I can’t loose anyone else. All that I can think about is not wanting to be alive, but also part of me knows that’s not true. It’s just becoming impossible to grasp that last part that wants to live.

I’m trying so hard to not isolate, but the idea of it is becoming more attractive every second.

Kayla

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hey @Kayla ,
we love you friend. if you need anything we will be here for you. message me if you need anyone to talk to i .love you friend!

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I am so sorry you are going through this. People blame others for things that have nothing to do with them which is wrong and disgusting. Have you considered seeking professional help or a counselor. I wish you the best

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That just freaking sucks.

I hope you are doing better Kayla, it is really brave of you to share all of this. I was really glad to see that you are taking care of yourself! keep it up, and remember, being alone doesn’t have to be isolation. There are healthy ways to take some time to yourself and then come back to life refreshened and more relaxed, if that is what you need.

Also, this whole thing is not your fault. Always remember that.

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Hi Kayla,

I’m sorry I’m not always very quick to response on discord. I’ve had to take a lot of my own health precautions in order to help myself feel better. Which means I’m not always online as frequently. And I’m really sorry for that. Because I love you my friend. I care about you. More than you realize. When I see messages from you and see that you are hurting my heart aches because I wish so much that there was more that I could do for you to lift this pain off of you. We are so far apart from each other. But I have so much care for you. I may be slow but I will always respond when I can.

I’m sorry your family is struggling right now. That your parents are having a hard time. And that your sisters are pointlessly blaming you. You do not deserve that.

But I am so proud of you for all that you have been doing for yourself lately. In all of this dark stuff that keeps surrounding you, don’t lose sight of all of that good too. Okay? I’m proud of you for taking care of yourself and doing what you need to be healthy. Keep doing that.

I love you girl

  • Kitty
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Yes. I finished therapy 2 months ago. I can’t afford to go private and the NHS free services have wait lists more than 8 months long.

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Hey Kayla,

I’ve seen some of your replies and noticed that a lot of people here seem to love you a lot.
I am totally new to all this here but i would still like to send you some kind words. :slight_smile:
I have been in a situation in which my parents almost got divorced aswell. They were arguing everyday and i knew it was because of me. I did a lot of things that hurt or disappointed and frustrated my parents when i was young. I did believe it was my fault even tho they said its not. They didnt speak a single word in weeks to each other. They are still married today, we got through it and i hope your family can too! I know this doesnt sound helpfull for you but dont get me wrong please! I am sure you got nothing to do with it, your sister is probably just trying to find someone she can put the guilty on because she might feel as you just do now.
Maybe she also thinks its her fault but wont admit it.
You are in this situation together, as sisters, as a family and i am sure you are both loved incredibly much. I didnt read all of your other posts yet so i dont really know anything about your situation but i would consider talking to your sister, how you feel and maybe you both can show your parents what the word family and love stands for.
I cant say that will safe their relationship but sometimes the kids need to be strong for their parents too.
Just dont forget about yourself, dont give up on yourself.

I saw you being so helpfull and loving to others here. I am a total stranger to you, so are you to me but i feel for you <3

keep your head up girl!

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That’s insane that’s not right.