The last year has definitely weighed me down, I think this is the lowest I have ever felt. I have never been so lonely. From having college classes fully online, no meetings or anything, just by myself. I don’t have a whole lot of actual friends, and the ones I do, there just doesn’t feel like there’s a real connection anymore. I was hoping to meet new people this year, but now I hardly ever leave my house. I started self harming again after 3 years of being clean, it has never been this bad. The thoughts of ending my life, the anxiety, the stress, life has just been so hard recently, for everyone. I started going to therapy and I am glad to say it is helping, but it’s still hard. It’s hard to feel like I have a purpose when all I do is sleep or work on stuff for school. I am grateful for everything in my life, but it’s just hard to find meaning anymore. I’m so scared, my world has become isolation, guilt and fear and it’s eating me alive. I wish I could just stop my mind from thinking. I’m hoping things will get better soon and I am trying my best to heal. Thank you for giving me a place to just write this down and get it off my chest
I think you should try to track down your true friends and try to support them, because they are probably experiencing things as bad as you are. And if you track them down, and support them, you can also tell them your situation and they will probably help you, too.
Geez…heavy…to feel like life just got more and more heavy…like the joy, the connection, the relationships, the friendships, the PEOPLE…it just slowly drained…and as it did, life got harder and harder and harder to hold up…it’s like those things and those people were buoyant forces, beside you, carrying the weight of life with you, in this joyous chorus of togetherness…that you could get through even the tough things because you weren’t alone…and then all of a sudden you were…and it just got worse…and then you found yourself crossing this tipping point you’d never thought you’d cross…and the defeat…oh the defeat…to have conquered self-harm for THREE YEARS, and then to find yourself back at it, only worse…that in and of itself is such a tragedy…the shame that piles on top of that, to tell you – see you never really were free…it poisons your triumph, and it robs you of your pride, and it strips you down and takes you even lower. And amidst all of that, even if you were to shout for help, it just felt like you were SO DEEP DOWN that no one could ever hear you…and it made sense to feel like – I am never going to get better, and I can’t take this darkness – in that spot, I think I’d be fighting off the same thoughts you were…
I don’t know what pivoted your story, but for you to have fought through that to find counseling – holy shit. The STRENGTH…writing out the experience felt so hopeless, but for you to have been able to rise again from that – is there anything you can’t face?! I know it probably doesn’t feel that way, but at very least, I want to offer you the perspective that DAMN…you are stronger than you know.
I’m so proud of you. To have fought past the defeat, the shame, all of the thoughts that wanted to keep you under and leave you there forever…I am so proud of you. To say to yourself – I am worth it. I believe, I hope, I can do this…and I can’t by myself, but I don’t have to, I will find people to carry the weight with me. There is so much beauty in that defiance – the defiance to say I will not stay down. Hell yeah. Come on somebody! That’s incredible! YOU ARE INCREDIBLE!!
I have so much hope for you, for this next chapter of your life. For what’s ahead, for the beauty, and triumph, and striving, and hardship, but then again to surmount and conquer and overcome. You can do this. YOU can DO this. I am proud of you. Way to go. Keep on going.
-Nate
From Original Poster: @heartsupportwall thank you for putting it into words better than I could myself, I will hopefully somehow get through this
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