I meet these amazing people and they are SO wonderful
I wish I could be like them and be as naturally kind and loving they are.
I also wish I would receive all the love they do. People get really close to them and talk about them all the time in such positive lights and I just feel so inadequate. I’m starting to develop feelings of resentment towards them. I honestly have no idea how to overcome this. It’s petty and pathetic and holding me back from being that person I want to be.
I’m tired of feeling so isolated and alone. I just want to feel like I truly belong–a part of something and I never am. I’m always the outsider, the disposable one because
My nan died this year, she’d overcome SO much it was as if she’d never die. I was expecting her to at least watch me graduate (this coming summer), honestly I was expecting her to live until I left the country in another few years. She was the ONLY person in my entire life I’ve been able to be open and honest to and she would, no matter what, always support me and try her best to help.
I feel so guilty for not being there for her enough over the past couple years, I couldn’t handle seeing my entire world wither away. It made me angry and frustrated and I didn’t want to take that out on her, so I saw her less and less. Now I just wish I had spent that time with her, even if all that happened was arguing at least she wouldn’t have been as lonely as I know she was.
All I ever dream about is having a clone of myself, just so I’d have that one best friend who I’d never be an outsider to. It’s so tiring being the disposable acquaintance. The one who isn’t adequate, the one who isn’t funny enough or smart or pretty enough. I’m not even a side character, I’m just an npc in everyone’s life and it hurts so much to not be actively included. Having to force your way into others lives or be completely forgotten is just too much and I am exhausted. I just want to be that important to other too.