Im done! With life, with caring, with wanting to do the right thing. I dont even know why im on this post, Who listens or sees me anyway? My own family doesnt even see me. Ive struggled depression and anxiety for a while now, nothing helps. Different medications which my boyfriend flushed down the toilet. Im minimized. shut out. shut down. ignored. I have the perfect way to die and end it all…its ready and waiting but I cant get over the idea that ill pass my mental torment onto my 9 yr old son. He says im the best mom in the world and he will never believe otherwise, yet i just realised that today, I didnt see him, like im not seen. I hold so much pain inside and nothing takes it away. I sometimes resent being a parent, because hes stopping me from ending this nightmare people call life. All i want to do is have those who fail to notice me find my lifeless body with “NOW CAN YOU HEAR ME” written boldly on the wall. I wish for it, i pray for it, i dream of it… but as normal, im irrelevant. A friend jumped off a bridge about a year back, im not even angry at him, I envy him, that he was strong enough to say “fuck this” and he walked away for good, never looking back. Am I so pathetic that I cant even kill myself? Can I not even do that right? The guilt i feel of putting this on my son is slightly heavier than the painless, peaceful future that awaits me. I want out. I want to be acknowledged. I want to be seen. When will i be noticed? When im found? when i lay in a box in front of a handful of people who MIGHT care that im not here, either that or theyll show up to play the victim, find attention for themselves and overshadow that too? Im angry. livid. full of hate and resentment. All i want is this to end, for once, I want to be selfish enough to be able to go through with it and finally put an end to the hell ive lived my entire life.
hi @Darkcloud i can’t say i’ve been where you are but i can say that i understand what you’re going through but from a different perspective, in fact almost the same thing happened with me and my mom and it was so no walk in the park there were bad nights and extremely bad ones but one thing i can say is that i never not for a second thought she wasn’t the strongest person that i’ve ever met to this day she’s my go to the person who i know will always be there and wow i am so glad that we made it out of that chapter because i have no clue what i would do without her and i’m sure your son feels the same. he right now at the age of 9 might not know it but i’m sure when he’s old he is going to be so happy that you have his back and you are here for him i am terribly sorry about your boyfriend flushing your meds which he didn’t have any right to do but sometimes we act before thinking but i think that you are no where near invisible you are someone that is an inspiration to someone heck you inspire me! i know how hard the day yo day life is but honestly you have so many people rooting for you i hope that this brings you some comfort and helps you are loved and adored