It’s been a while since i’ve wrote a topic here, for i was very grateful for the help i had back then and tried to help others as well with some of my replies.
Anyway, i’ve felt ill for my whole life (with ruminating thoughts of anguish and purposelessness) and got better with a bit of supplements (you might or might not remember me), which seemed to be the case that i had the absence of some, it’s the only explanation, because it really made me feel better, with the drive to do and try to reach things, etc. That means, clearly, that my brain was working fine, there was no need for medication (i never took any), the substances were fine, cortisol, adrenaline, etc, the whole shebang - no anxiety either.
With that ‘new great feeling’ i had after this ‘work’, i was ecstatic, enjoying things i had never done with a clean mind and things that i had done before became a brand new experience! I could even pay more attention to the books i was reading, seeing things between the lines that i didn’t before, re-read a lot of old classics, anyway, it was great.
How is it when the whole thing calm down? Well, you start thinking again - it does seem like we are ethernally usatisfied, that’s why we think too much… Or maybe we think too much and that’s why we’re ethernally unsatisfied -, but regardless, things get pessimistic again. I can still feel i’m healthy in my mind, i have been taking care of myself a lot, but the hollow of existing, those thoughts that appear out of nowhere and seem to get fixed, they are back. Of course they are not constant as they were before, when it was 24/7, but it started as a few times a week, then more and more, every day, and now it’s coming and going multiple times a day. There is a big effort from me to make them go away, but i suppose you know how it is when thoughts come and claim your whole conscience, it’s not something you can just make disappear.
Now i’m getting worried again. With the substances in my brain supposedly working fine, then maybe the great agony of thinking of our own lives is not chemical at all, but something that some are supposed to do, and to insist on these thoughts until it brings you to hell again. Maybe then, those people who have a distressing existence and fought miserably - and failing for too many decades - were not missing some kind of medication, but that’s who they are, that’s what they are supposed to do: think distressedly. What if that is the truth? How is it one can fight it? Not only fight the thoughts, i mean, but fight the fact of thats who they are!?
I remember back then, at another topic i’ve made, we discussed some buddhism and meditation - which is something i have tried as well, and have done really. But then again, maybe these people who can accept that we are supposed to live a tragedy in our lives (a tragedy in thoughts) are the ones who simply will accept that in a stoic way, with serenity and welcoming it, and other simply won’t, like us, or some of us, who will be trashed by the constant pondering. Maybe it’s not something you can teach, something you can adapt your brain, and we are expected to accept that bad thoughts of meaning and a constant dread will keep unnerving you regardless of your actions or trials.
Isn’t that a terrifying realisation?