I feel like I’ve said this many times, and I know I have an amazing support group within this community however, my battle in recovery just feels like it’s too much. All I can think about is every bad thing that’s happened in my life, every bad thing I have ever done and everyone I’ve hurt in any way. Ok, so I know some days will be better than others but for every good day, it feels like there are 2 that are just not worth the fight. The only way I know that this will get better for sure is to just end it all. No more urges, no more cravings, just relief. My dad won’t be able to throw abuse in my face, my mum will be able to be free of the constant arguments… My collegues won’t have to worry about hiding from me so they can talk about how much they hate me and how much of a nicer place work would be if “the self harming attention seeking child” wasn’t there. It feels so much like today is the end of my path and I can’t shake that feeling. I’m so sorry to let you all down.
Hi Kayla,
I have had thoughts just like you.
You’re not better off dead. I know things hurts now and I wish I could take away that hurt. But things won’t always hurt forever and if you’re not here you miss all the great things that are going to come your way. When we’ve been hurt as much as we have we become conditioned to believe that life is only going to be a constant storm of bad days, but that’s not true. Rainy seasons and stormy times don’t last forever. They may go on for extended periods, but I promise you, the rainbow afterwards is worth it.
I’ve wanted to take my own life before and I’m so glad I didn’t because I got to experience so many amazing things. I know it hurts now, but please hold on, you can do this and you are worth it Kayla.
Much love,
Jedi
Kayla,
You haven’t let us down. You are being so strong! You inspire me you know. I admire your strength with facing all of these battles you are dealing with. Perhaps right now the days aren’t worth it. But they will be, cause you don’t know what lovely things await you in the future. Despite this, I know nothing we say will help you fix or take away the pain, but we can help carry you. Be a shoulder to lean on.
Now, Im not religious. But I remember this quote and thought it might help you see that you can lean on us like you are right now. We love you, I don’t want to lose you.
Here is the quote/poem:
One night I dreamed a dream.
As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
One belonging to me and one to my Lord.
After the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,
especially at the very lowest and saddest times,
there was only one set of footprints.
This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.
“Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,
You’d walk with me all the way.
But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I don’t understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me.”
He whispered, “My precious child, I love you and will never leave you
Never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you.”
My dear friend Kayla,
First- I want to make it very clear that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem- and suicide doesn’t fix anything, it just stops the ability for things to get better.
I know that right now you are really fighting- and man I am so so proud of you. In the short time that we have been talking you have overcome so much and progressed so much and I am SO proud of you.
I know that you may believe that suicide is the answer- that if you were gone things would fix themselves and it would be better- but that is NOT true. The thing is when the life of any person is taken- it’s so hard for everyone. If you followed through with suicide I know of SO many people who would be SO impacted by it- so hurt- like Dan, Casey, Nolan… and me and so so many others- basically EVERYONE in the Heart Support community.
I know that you may not be treated the nicest by those around you… and I’m really sorry. But even though some people don’t really show caring towards you- doesn’t mean that everyone hates you, or that things would just be better when you are gone.
The thing is- when we end our lives we have this thought that things would be better without us here- I’ve been there- but in all honesty, it just leaves untied ends that can never be fixed.
Friend, I want you to know this pain won’t be forever- even when it feels like it will. There will come a point where you don’t live where you do- where you aren’t surrounded by the people you are- and things will be ok.
Friend, you are SO immensely loved and cherished. I don’t know how to make that clearer but man- if you were gone… we all would be heartbroken and left with a void in our hearts.
I love you friend. I have grown so close to you these past couple of weeks and man- if I lost you I don’t know what I’d do.
You are so cherished, so important, so valued, so so loved.
Love you my friend, hold fast, we belive in you- we are here for you no matter what.
With love,
Lyss (your old pal Blurryface)
Hey Kayla,
We love you, and you have certainly not let us down. I believe you are worth the fight, and you deserve to have victory in your battle for recovery. I know that not every day is going to feel like a win, and that there ware days that can be flooded by memories of pain, hurt, and perhaps even the pain of having done the hurting (you know that’s where I’m coming from too). But that doesn’t mean that you’re not worth it- it’s what you told me, and you should hear it too. I struggle with self-harm as well, and maybe I don’t understand everything or all of the context, but my friend, you are not alone in fighting those urges and cravings to hurt. Please let us continue to fight with you. You’re fighting so hard and we are here to love and encourage and support you. Stay, you are so worth it Kayla.
With love,
Alex
Thanks guys, but right now it’s just beating me down and whenever something good happens or I start to feel even a little better, something else happens to bring me down more than before.
Hey @Kayla,
I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through. When I was in junior high and high school, I remember having long periods of time where if I was lucky to have 1 good day, then 2 bad days were ahead of me. It was like this twisted cycle that wouldn’t let me free. However, if you hold on long enough, I promise that it WILL let you free. Everyone is different, but for me, the twisted cycle let me free upon moving away to college. I started seeing the good days outweigh the bad, which subsequently shifted my overall mood and outlook on life. I still have my bad days, trust me, but I know that if I hang on long enough, the light is just around the corner. You’re strong and I love seeing you around the HeartSupport community! You got this! Just keep swimming. 
-Eric
Hey, Kayla
I just wanted to say that you are important - in your parents’ lives, coworkers, friends - your absence would be felt. I know it always seems like you’re a bother, your road to recovery gets in the way, people are annoyed, all those lies your mind feeds you. Your absence would impact these people, it could even destroy them. You are loved beyond words that I can say and I know these feelings all too well. You haven’t let any of us down. We are here to catch you when you fall, and love you through all the unpretty parts of life.
I’m here if you ever need someone to talk to.
Stay strong, friend!
Jillian
Kayla,
You are an amazing person doing amazing things. Talking to you and watching you grow and recover is awesome and I personally have gotten a lot from it. I know it’s hard right now I was a complete mess I could barely function as a person. You are very early in recovery your body has not figured out what to do without the drugs and it’s like it’s in panic mode. Your body is still thinking it needs that drug to continue life. You are so much stronger than that, you are much stronger than I am even by making this post. You can get through this dont think how you will get through tomorrow just worry about today. When you get a few more 24 hours behind you the raw emotions and cravings will become less and less. Things do get better I didn’t believe it myself but they really do.
-Evan
Kayla,
I truly get it when you state that things get a little better and they got worse again.
Man I totally get that so so much.
I just want you to know you aren’t alone. You are so loved.
Hold fast.