I feel like i’m not actually depressed and just faking it. I keep thinking that it’s not depression, sure I may be sad and have been for the past 6 years, but if the circumstances were different then i wouldn’t be, so am i really depressed? if i had friends who cared about me and talked to me and i was able to laugh more then i guess i wouldn’t be as depressed? maybe it’s not depression but just feeling like i need somebody? idk. things have gotten better compared to where i was 2 years ago even though i’m more alone than ever. i want to feel worse though. i miss feeling completely shitty all day everyday without a break between. i want to get as bad as that again and i don’t know how to.
It sounds that you’ve been experiencing this sadness, depressing feelings for a long time now. And when you’re used to feel in a certain way, it can be hard distinguish those feelings to who you are, as a person. Personally, it took me several years to actually be diagnosed for a depression. Not because it wasn’t obvious, but because I kept pushing this aside as I had “mild” symptoms. Denial was strong in my mind. But also, as I’ve been feeling melancholic, a bit “sad” for as long as I can remember, I thought it was just my personality. Also why I’ve been mistaking shyness and anxiety for a long time. I often felt like you, like what I was experiencing wasn’t depression especially when I started to feel better, progressively. My mind resisted a lot to what I was experiencing. And I wondered so many times: “yea, but what if my life was different?”, “Is this about me or circumstances?”. In reality both are intertwined. And depression depends on many other factors. Because you can experience a depression while having objectively a “happy”/fulfilling life.
So, what if the circumstances in your life were different? I don’t have the answers for that. And we can make a lot of theories for sure. But what remains important, what matters right now, is where you are in the present moment and which progress you actually made.
It sounds that you are in a time of transition on your healing journey. Which is awesome. But indeed it can raise many questions and makes you question reality. So it’s only my opinion, but I think that what you’re experiencing, those doubts, questions, is really positive. You certainly miss feeling low, feeling bad, because that’s what you’ve been used to. You’re tempted to get back to it, and that’s totally natural. Not necessarily because you like feeling bad, but because it’s more comfortable, it feels more safe. And as human beings we all crave for some sense of safety. So, when you’re in this situation, when the pain is away you may wonder: who am I? How am I supposed to deal with those new emotions, feelings, sensations?
You’ll find your answers. With time, patience, and a lot of grace to yourself. Welcome those feelings as they are. Growth happen through discomfort. It can be disturbing, unpleasant for sure, but you’re doing great. And you said it: you progressed. You can reflect on the past years and actually see it. This is a solid foundation in your heart and your mind right now. Hold on to it. Because this is real, and you can be proud of your accomplishments. And even if for the moment you feel like you’re just progressing in the unknown, try to keep in mind that you’ll be okay, friend