Is it my fault?

everytime i see a post of video of somebody getting sexual assaulted or rape i see the person who touched me at a young age… i feel like its my fault this happened why was i so stupid and trustworthy to let that happen to me … i feel lost and hopeless… why am i still messed up about this , why do i keep pannicking about getting touched… everytime i think about or a goes down into memory lane i see his face… i want to forget his face but i cant , i just cant, i was just a kid , now im messed up … i dont like physical touch because everytime a man touch me i get flashbacks, everytime i tell myself we got to move ok and heal but i can’t , i feel so hopeless and lost … im so coldhearted to every men that comes into my life because i feel like they all want use me for my body… crazy part is i didnt only get sexual assault one but twice … im just tired



No friend, it was not your fault. It was not your fault the first time you were assaulted. It was not your fault the second time either. The people who are responsible of what happened are the ones who hurt you. They are responsible of their actions and decisions. There is absolutely nothing in what you have said, done, in who you are, that would ever justify for someone to hurt you. The fault is on them. The shame should belong to them.

For a long time, like you I’ve had a lot of distrust towards men. Sometimes still a bit, especially if I have to be alone in a room with a man I know nothing about, like a doctor. When I get overwhelmed by memories or triggers, it gets really hard to accept to be touched by my partner. Hugs hurt during these moments, and that is certainly one of the things that break my heart the most. It is especially during times of vulnerability that I crave his affection and physical reassurance, but it’s like I’m not allowed to have this.

Despite all of this, the triggers, the rollercoaster of emotions, I promise you that it gets better with time, but more than anything with the right support. Here at HS, with my partner and with my therapist, I have been learning to heal, which is not about trying to forget or running away from the pain. We learn to identify our triggers just like you have done here in your post. We learn to compose with them, to be less and less affected by them. Little by little, we conquer again our own freedom. We learn to trust again, to see that not everyone wants to hurt us. With time, we learn to live with the wounds it leaves on us. We learn to own our story and, sometimes, we even learn to use it to help others too. Healing is possible my friend. You are not doomed to explore the world as if it was a giant minefield to you.

You are not broken. You are not meesed up. You are hurting, and for very valid reasons. Rest as much as you need if you are tired. Your body and your mind need it so much during these moments of raw vulnerability.

I’m sitting right next to you, virtually. You will be okay. It was not your fault. :hrtlegolove:

PS - Have you talked about all of this to someone in your life? Do you receive any support from your loved ones or a counselor? I want you to receive all the support you need and deserve.


maybe this little thing will help you, prob the best thing I ever heard that solidified the roles of young kids versus grown adults:

A child could be naked, and walk up to an adult and beg for sex. Guess what? The ADULT is supposed to say no, and WALK AWAY. Even in that most extreme of situations, the onus, the culpability, the WHOLE RESPONSIBILITY is on the adult person to know what is legal, what is appropriate touch, and to WALK THE FRICK AWAY.

to continue this extreme example" Most adults would be disgusted and horrified by a child asking for something like this, will recognize how abnormal it is, and conclude that somebody has “interfered” with the child and made them think about sex at a young age.

From this, you will know that a child never asks for it.
A child cannot consent to sex. A child therefore is always the victim, the unwilling victim because they simply don’t know better.

I really hope this helps you in a small way to realize the way it looks from the outside, and the fact that you were guiltless. Any sexual abuse of a child is the fault, guilt, responsibility and shame of the ABUSER.

Kids are supposed to trust adults, that’s literally how the world is set up! The poor things depend on adults to take care of them, to provide for them in safe, trustworthy and stable manner.

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