Is it wrong to approach and talk to people for the sake of checking up on them?

Hey everyone,

Something that was on my mind recently and kept bothering me a bit recently is that, I felt that people would see me as a creep, weirdo or a shit person or all of the above if I approach them or talk to them for the sake of just checking up on them and to see if they’re okay you know, am I right or am I wrong in my conclusion? And it made me ask myself another question, and It’s that is it also wrong, creepy or weird to start talking to people and approach them in order to be friends with them, because I feel that people seeing you suddenly approach them and start talking to them would mean that I’m weird, or creepy or a shit person?

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Hi Xavier,

I think generally speaking, the world needs more people who are willing to ask someone if they are ok. A lot of times it can be hard for people to open up, maybe they feel ashamed or scared or they think they are a burden, or any other reason you can think of. So I think it’s great that you are concerned about the well being of your friends.

I also don’t think it’s weird to approach someone with the intent of becoming friends. After all, how else do you make friends? I mean, obviously if they decline I wouldn’t push it or anything but I think attempting to be friends with someone is pretty harmless and best case scenario you make a new friend, worst case scenario, you don’t.

I think you are a good person with good intentions and the world needs more people like you in it, friend. Dont psych yourself out. You’re doing great.

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This is a really good question.

I can tell you, at least from my own personal experience, that not only is it okay to just check in on people—most people tend to like it.

In fact, because so few people do it, many people in my life have been outright shocked and surprised that someone cares enough to check in. It makes people happy. You’re doing something wonderful.

As far as approaching someone to be friends? Yeah that’s awesome too! Others are definitely looking for friends too, and it’s great to be brave enough to make the first move!

The worst thing that can happen, like any other request from someone, is being told no. (The possibility of rejection can be scary, but often it’s not personal and totally okay.)

The friends who really vibe with you will say yes and be happy to have you in their life!

I hope any of this helps, and wish you the best in checking up on the people in your life and making new friends!

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Hey Xavier,

I get where you’re coming from in terms of the fear of being seen as a creep - as men, it’s not a bad thing to be aware of the fact that we can easily come across as unnerving, creepy, or outright scary to some people. I struggled with this a bit, because my natural empathy makes me want to keep tabs on and check up on those who I care about.

However, caring for somebody is almost always a good thing, and there are ways of doing this in a way that makes the other person feel valued, seen, and comfortable with your attention. I’ll see if I can break down my thought processes that I go through below.

  1. Clear intentions
    If I haven’t spoken to somebody in a while, I’ll let them know that I was thinking about them, so something like
    “Hey Xavier, was just thinking about you the other day and thought I’d check in, see how you’re doing? How’s that (specific thing you talked about one time) going? Would be great to meet up if you’re keen, fancy (meal at local cheap pub)?”

Having clear intentions (I’m checking in on you, I was missing you) lets people know what they’re in for with a conversation, and gives them an opportunity to decide whether its a conversation they want to have

  1. Strangers
    Making new friends is something I always struggled with because of my being on the spectrum, but I realised that even if you’ve imagined being friends with this person for a while, I AM A STRANGER. So I always try and make myself familiar as early on as possible. Like ‘Hey, I’m YoungLordByron, I’m (role within whatever circumstance you are meeting in - I work here/I’ve been here a couple of time/I catch the same bus as you/etc.)’

  2. 20 Seconds
    With everything that you’ve talked about above, after praying the one thing I feel strongly to let you know is, in fairness, a cliche from a terrible Matt Damon movie, but has changed my life.
    Sometimes, all it takes to form a relationship/friendship/conversation is 20 seconds of insane courage.
    When I first met my wife, it was through church, and I’d seen her worshipping in the congregation, and I’d never spoken with her before but I knew she was the kind of person I wanted to be friends with.
    So I walked over and said Hi (I was no longer a stranger, because she’d seen me around church) and introduced myself, and said
    ‘Hey, this might sound a bit weird, but I was thinking we might get on. No pressure at all, but would you want to hang out sometime?’

And she smiled and said ‘I’m busy with exams, but how about after my exams are done? I like board games’

And I ended up marrying her.

You may be rejected, you may creep somebody out, and you may feel like it’s gone terribly. But the only way to find happiness is to take risks sometimes, because the only way to intimacy is through vulnerability

I know I kinda went off and wrote LOADS there, but your feelings struck a chord with me.

I really hope that you make some real good friends out of being brave

I believe in you

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@Xavier1

Hey thank you for bringing your concerns of this forward. To be very honest it depends on the context of it. For example if you were in the middle of a store and you walked up to someone and started talking to them yes that might seem strange. But if your like sitting next to someone in a class or at lunch and have known them by name for awhile than no that is completely normal way to start a conversation. If you know someone has been struggling and you reach out to them who knows how they will reply but it shows that you see their struggle and are reaching out to help. Personally I dont find that weird or creepy. I will say however if I havent meet you and you walked up to me to talk suddenly out of the blue than I might be a little more set to the uh this is weird but okay. It sounds to me like you are a person who is a go getter who steps out of your comfort zone to be kind to people and that is wonderful. That doesnt make you a shit person or creepy or weird. Some people love to have someone to talk to randomly like on a bus or even just in general. Humans arent build to live in a world of silence and loneliness so its important to remember that. You will find the people that support you and dont tear you down for this.

Hold fast
Ash (disabledmetalfan)

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Hey Xavier,

I am sorry you have those feelings of feeling like a creep, weirdo and a shit person. If you approach someone with the intentions of being friends, that’s a really pure reason and a true reason, and that does NOT make you a creep, weirdo, or a shit person. I’m sorry this has been your experience. Keep trying to make friends, i would encourage you, for this too shall pass and someone amazing is around the corner to be your friend. It might also help to have a common interest, like for instance, people make friends while playing sports or going on artistic hang outs. These types of things. I hope you get the love and friendship you deserve. Keep being you and someone friendship will follow <3 Warmly, Dot.

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I have to say thanks everyone for the kind responses, I wish I could put all of your posts as “the supported” status to be honest,but thank you for this,my mind can be more at ease you know.

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Hey Xavier,
really glad to hear that. Keep reaching out when you need,

We believe in you

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