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Is there any hope left?

I have been in a relationship with my husband since 2012. February, to be exact. He used to be really abusive to me in every aspect, but mostly, psychologically and emotionally abusive. I left many times, and came back after 3 or 4 months. I left him just shy of a year last time, but caved to knowing he has mental issues, and wanting to help. I have a daughter with him, and a son from a previous marriage. He has never truly been a loving father. He is so grumpy with our kiddos, and he doesn’t know how to love, in my opinion. He suffered severe psychological, emotional, and physical abuse from his mom when he was younger. He stood up to her when he was 16 years old, and threatened her with her life. I am pregnant with my third child, and I want to he happy about it. I really do. He has really changed so much from how he used to he, but there are still things I wish he would change. Like, I wish he was more affection, considerate, and less selfish. Even though the abuse stopped long ago, he is still very much unloving. For about 2 months though, he was doing fantastic. I thought, “This is it. This is what I have been working so hard with him for. He is finally a great man.” So, being naive and thinking that life was going to be phenomenal from that point on, I asked for another baby. We tried, and tried, and tried some more. Nothing. Then, he started being ugly again. Not paying bills, being selfish, being rude to me and the kids. It was starting to get to where I was going to leave. I looked up divorce lawyers, and started siphoning money into a separate account little by little. I think he must have found out because he started being nice again. He was being perfect. Soon, I come up pregnant. We had lots of good talks, and everything was great… until the last 2 months. He has been horrible. I have no doubt that he has bipolar depression and suffers from PTSD from something terrible that his mom did to him, but he absolutely refuses to get help, because his title is Class A CDL Driver. The doctor told him that they could put him on something, but that a DOT drug test would alert his employer that he is at high risk for a psychotic break, bipolar episode, or basically anything that falls within guidelines to where they can legally remove him from his position. They could not fire him, but they could put him at a desk or on the yard cleaning POJs, which would mean a massive pay cut. I’ve spoken with DOT, Texas Workforce, OSHA, and a Union regarding the legality of that, and since he has a class A with a tanker endorsement, he cannot take certain medications. Most of them are those that treat bipolar disorder. I am about to leave him. I have done it on my own before, but I just want some support knowing that I’m not some garbage pile of trash who expects someone to seek help when they know they have a problem. I know he is mentally unwell, but he knows it too and won’t get help, even for the sake of his children and his wife. I am so depressed myself, and I feel so down all the time. He sleeps when he is not working, and spends no time with us. This makes me more depressed, and gives me terrible anxiety about the future…

Hi @Chachahemp,

I’m sorry you’ve got difficulties with this relationship, but I’m also really glad to know the abuses stopped. You deserve to be respected and to feel loved. When I read you message, I only thought that you are a wonderful, dedicated wife and mom. It’s quite normal you’re feeling like this for the moment, and I hope you already found healthy ways to manage your anxiety. You need to take care of yourself.

I’m sorry I obviously don’t know every details of your relationship but you explained the situation very well. Main problem is how this relationship is making you feel right now, especially because it’s not the first time at all. I’m sorry your husband had such a dificult childhood with his mom. He didn’t deserve that. But now, as he’s an adult, he’s also responsible of his behavior and decisions, despite any mental health problems. He’s dealing with really heavy issues and, indeed, he needs to get professional help. You really managed this the right way. I understand the problem with his job, but if he doesn’t get any help to stabilize his mood, he won’t be able to handle any job at all in the end.

You are NOT a “garbage pille of trash”. You gave a lot to this man and you supported him for a long time. I sincerely understand what you’re going through. And how many different feelings you may have right now. People in this community will never tell you what to do or what choices to make. But if something is absolutely sure, it’s that you are a wonderful person and you deserve to be okay too. We can do everything we can to help others, to make them feel safe and loved. But when someone needs to get help, he’s the only one to be able to accept it or not. Unfortunately, nobody can force anyone to get help if they don’t want to.

This community is here for you anytime you need. You matter, you are loved and you are wonderful just as you are.
Sending much love to you right now. :heart:

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@Chachahemp I do not think that you are a terrible person for wanting to a better life for you and your kids. I think that you are doing exactly what anyone else would do in that situation. However, I do think that you should let him know that you want to leave because he refuses to get help. Let him know that you want your kids to grow up in a better household and you do whatever it takes to make that happen. Maybe then he won’t want to lose you. I think that you are doing great. You have your kids best interest in mind and that is so important.

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@Riley @MicrosmosK Thank you so much. I really needed to hear this.

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