is there any reasons for my existence.
i don’t know what is wrong with me.
whenever i think about what i was, what i wanted to become, and what i am now, i start to cry even though i am supposed to be a mature man.
i know i am worthless,
whenever i look at myself in mirror, i call myself worthless,
i’ve become reckless to everything,
i got my Cruciate Ligament torn, but i didn’t care, because the pointless world is still a pointless world with or without healthy me.
i got alopecia areata but i don’t care, who the hell cares about my appearance?
i can’t follow a good habit, i can’t brush my teeth for a week,
i don’t have a proper sleep, sometimes i sleep all the day and i am awake at night sometimes i sleep at 9pm and wake up at 4am, sometimes i sleep more than 16 hours.
i’ve become stupid, i remember i used to learn every topic in school right at the moment in the class and didn’t do homework and didn’t study for exams and still i was one of top 3 in every 12 years of my school or i could learn English without any conversations or class.
but now, i can’t focus, when i’m speaking to anybody, i stare at his eye and trying to listen to him, i only can understand a few sentences; his words enter my ears and get lost in my brain.
i can’t enjoy anything … once i loved playing video games, playing vollyball and baseball, climbing mountains or spending time in nature with family or friends. … now i can’t .
i’ve not been friend with a girl, because i have acute social anxiety and i live in a islamic country.
i have a few friends that i haven’t met them in recent 2 years.
i am very erratic.
one day i want to start writing a fantasy novel and i write many pages, then i understand it will never make any change in my life, then, i stop it.
one day i decide to learn a foreign language and i download language courses of many languages, i learn a little then i understand i will ever be in any country or with my social anxiety how can i speak to any body in another language?
i am perfectionist.
that’s why i never succeed!
i am not confident, i am not supporting, i am not honest, i am not corageous, i am not a good listener, i have not attended college,
a good man cares about his family; i know that i will never be able to support my family and i am a burden to them.
i am the exact opposite of what a good man should be.
no body cares about me. i know if i die it will make no difference in the world. and that bothers me.
i am 22 but i am still dependent; and yet i didn’t notice how the recent 5 years of my life passed.
i don’t remember the last time i laughed.
is there any reasons for my existence.
It’s hard. Life is a game that seems like you can’t win no matter what you decide to play. It feels as if the hand you are dealt consistently gets folded and amassed so many decks of useless cards. It’s almost as if you are gambling every day with the same weak hand of aces consistent good of depression, anxiety, guilt, shame and hatred. Brotha I may not know who you are or what you are going through but honest men openly speak their thoughts and look for help. I may only be 25 and you may only be 22 but life is beautiful once you fold enough and quit playing the game of life with the wrong deck of cards. It may sound far fetched and mediocre but prayer can help in the toughest of times it takes a lot of time and a lot of energy. I encourage you in my honest suggestion to surrender your thoughts, your pain and misery into an activity that motivates you to do better. whether it be a physical activity such as running, working out or taking a long walk in some way. The mental abyss seems to be drowning you deeper and may seem beyond hope but look up and I can tell you there is a light somewhere. Don’t give up you can make it through this battle. Message me if you would like to talk about it you’re only human and you are worthy of life itself. I pray for you in Jesus name.