Is there even an answer?

I’m not sure where to begin. I only know how much pain and sadness I have been feeling. I grew up with a mom that really didn’t know what boundaries were as far as what kids should know about family issues or how much a parents words can gut you. And she is still oblivious. I don’t understand why and honestly I can’t deal with it so I moved away and she tries to play guilt trips on me constantly. I have never shared anything about this with anyone until someone was telling me I need to just forgive and move on. For the first time I put into words my pain. How can a mother look her 10 year old daughter in the face and tell her that she wasn’t wanted by her father and he wanted her to have an abortion like it was no big deal and never speak about it again. How could she let her new husband deliberately take away what little time we had to spend together? I became disposable to her. She still claimed she would drop everything and be there for me if said I needed her after I moved away. I went through a lot the next couple years and never said one thing, I dealt with it all on my own. Then when something really bad happened and I almost lost it I called and told her what happened and said I really needed her. That was big for me, I don’t say that to anyone ever. She said she’d make the trip to see me and I held myself together thinking everything would be ok when she got here. Days went by, nothing. Not only did she never show up, she never told me she wasn’t going to. I finally called her after a week had gone by and she made some dumb excuse about not being able to leave her dogs… We never spoke one more word about it. And yet she still says she loves me so much and doesn’t understand why I’m not in contact more. I don’t know how to describe how I feel about her. I don’t think I want anything like an apology, or for her to feel pain. I just want to know she will be a mom to me and I don’t think that will ever happen for me and I don’t understand why. Or why I seem to obsess over the answer, like it would change anything. Seems like figuring out how to be ok with it all is a key to maybe getting out of this dark place I have spent way too long in. Is that even possible? What if it isn’t?

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I am so so sorry you had to go through this. It can be really hard. Please know that it’s not anything of your doing. I know easier said than done. She seems a lot like my friends mom and I’ve seen how much that relationship hurt her. Im proud of you for talking about it and recognizing it’s causing you so much pain. It’s not as simple as just getting over it at all. Your pain and feelings are very valid. You don’t just have to forgive and move on. I think it’s okay to grieve what has been lost. To allow yourself to feel everything that comes along with it which I know can be very hard. Unfortunately not all parents or people can completely change yet at the same time it’s possible for you to change for the dynamic to change. With my own mom I realized I couldn’t change her she would always respond the way she does. I learned to see my worth in myself and work at not letting the things she said get to me. Sometimes they still do but they no longer define me or my actions. We are the closest we have ever been after years of constantly fighting. It’s been hard work but worth it. I think it’s very important to talk about these things especially deep rooted things attached to your mom. Know it’s okay to feel what you feel, to still desire things to be different, it’s possible to start to care for yourself even if it’s not what your mom can give you. It will be hard but I’ve watched my friend learn to parent herself this year and open up and let other people help her in those places. I watched her past define her to her finding freedom in multiple places especially in her family. Hope is real. I am sorry for the hurt you have to carry by yourself. I am glad you are allowing people into this place. Thank you

I’m so sorry that you have had such a hurtful relationship with your mom.
As someone who has had a rough and strained relationship with my mom all of my life, I can certainly relate to a lot of this and understand the heart break that accompanies it.
My mom has carried a lot of denial about the hurt she has caused through her words and actions and despite my efforts in trying to forgive, I’ve had to let go and move on. There was just too much toxicity and hurt and too much needless pain and guilt.

I’m sorry that things are so difficult. I hope that one day your momma is able to come around and realize how hurtful she has been and is willing to rekindle your relationship. It’s hard when your own parents lack any motive to prioritize a relationship with you. I know that feel. And I know the sense of abandonment. My biological father got my mom pregnant in a one night stand and then signed me away. He used the excuse of “I knew she was strong and would be okay” when he spoke about it. I guess this was how he comforted himself in abandoning me and my life.

Anyway. I’m glad you were able to work the courage up to share some of your story. I know it isn’t easy. Just know you are not alone.

It breaks my heart when I see others have to battle these kinds of hurts. I often wish I had a mom to call up and comfort me. But that does not exist. And I’m sorry your mom isn’t for you either .

So much love to you

  • Kitty