I’m not really sure what classify’s as emotional abuse, and It’s a very complicated thing for me to think about because, on one side, my mom can be this caring, loving, amazing woman who supports me and cares about me and my issues, but then once alcohol and weed get involved, she’s this different person entirely. Starting when I was seven, I had to start cleaning up after he drinking. on Christmas Day she drank so much she couldn’t stand or speak, after about an hour of trying to help her, she passed out and broke a bunch of glasses, I cleaned up after her and got my grandparents to help me get her to bed. This messed with my mind enough, but it was so scary to see my mom doing things and saying things that make no sense.
When she drinks, she usually gets verbal towards me and my father, before she gets completely confused and irrational. She usually tells me she wished she had me aborted, how much of a disappointment I am, how she can’t imagine me being her daughter, how she doesn’t know who raised me, how much of a cunt or a bitch or a whore I am. Those are the things that come off of my head. I have very little confidence or self-esteem, and very high anxiety, so this really does make me feel a lot worse about myself.
She puts words in my mouth that I never say, for example; she wanted to move to Arizona and I didn’t think it was a good idea at the time so I told her I most likely wouldn’t go with her. She then went on a four-hour-long rant about how I was choosing my dad’s side, how I was evil, how I should be homeless, how I don’t care about her, how I don’t deserve to live with her. Then she tried to break my TV and called me a bitch. I then had to convince her that I didn’t hate her and that I didn’t choose my fathers side, because she took my phone and wouldn’t give it back until she ‘talked with me’.
It’s so hard because it’s like she’s two different people, she can be such a good mom and I love her to death sometimes, but then she drinks and I can’t imagine a world where I cared for her. It makes it so hard to forgive her but it makes it so hard to hold on to what she does at the same time. I’ve talked to her about her drinking and she often expresses how she understands her drinking got out of hand and how she’s working to control that, but then she goes and drinks so much she barely remembers what state she’s in. Then she wakes up the next day and is completely kind and supportive again.
I have some pretty bad medical issues going on currently, and I often have to tell her I’m in a lot of pain and explain to her what’s going on. A few hours ago we had a really long conversation about my health and she told me she’d do whatever she could to help me, but then she started drinking and decided to break up with my father, I told her that was a bad idea because we still have to live with him for another six months, and then she started saying how I was basically an abuser because I agreed with my father (Who, by the way, has to deal with my mother’s abuse almost constantly, while still trying to work things out) I told her I wanted to go lay down because I was in a lot of pain and my head was hurting, so I laid down and she followed me in, started ranting about me. I told her I wanted to rest because I was in a lot of pain and she basically told me that it was a stupid excuse and that she goes through way worse. This really hurt because a few hours before she was acting like she really did care about my health.
Something that really does mess with me is when she’ll deny what she has said or done in the past, then I tell her I will tell someone about what she did, and she gets all scared and angry. “You have no proof!” “Did you record it?” “You wouldn’t! Don’t you dare tell them!” That kinda thing. I know this does affect my mental health, but I’m not sure if I’m overly sensitive, or over exaggerating.
There’s just so many times I’ve had to deal with her drinking that I feel like I’m completely out of any options. I don’t know what to do. Over the years her drinking has caused me so much pain, sometimes the things she does that doesn’t even involve me really messes with my head. I’ve only ever had anyone try and protect me once, and the person who protected me sort of forgot about my mom’s drinking altogether, so it feels like there’s no one out there who can help me.
I’ve put up so many walls that I just feel numb now, and it was sort of the only way I protected myself from her insults, I stopped myself from feeling. And now I can’t start feeling again, and I don’t know how to fix that either. Please help. I’m not sure what to do about this.