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Is this abuse?

I’m not really sure what classify’s as emotional abuse, and It’s a very complicated thing for me to think about because, on one side, my mom can be this caring, loving, amazing woman who supports me and cares about me and my issues, but then once alcohol and weed get involved, she’s this different person entirely. Starting when I was seven, I had to start cleaning up after he drinking. on Christmas Day she drank so much she couldn’t stand or speak, after about an hour of trying to help her, she passed out and broke a bunch of glasses, I cleaned up after her and got my grandparents to help me get her to bed. This messed with my mind enough, but it was so scary to see my mom doing things and saying things that make no sense.

When she drinks, she usually gets verbal towards me and my father, before she gets completely confused and irrational. She usually tells me she wished she had me aborted, how much of a disappointment I am, how she can’t imagine me being her daughter, how she doesn’t know who raised me, how much of a cunt or a bitch or a whore I am. Those are the things that come off of my head. I have very little confidence or self-esteem, and very high anxiety, so this really does make me feel a lot worse about myself.

She puts words in my mouth that I never say, for example; she wanted to move to Arizona and I didn’t think it was a good idea at the time so I told her I most likely wouldn’t go with her. She then went on a four-hour-long rant about how I was choosing my dad’s side, how I was evil, how I should be homeless, how I don’t care about her, how I don’t deserve to live with her. Then she tried to break my TV and called me a bitch. I then had to convince her that I didn’t hate her and that I didn’t choose my fathers side, because she took my phone and wouldn’t give it back until she ‘talked with me’.

It’s so hard because it’s like she’s two different people, she can be such a good mom and I love her to death sometimes, but then she drinks and I can’t imagine a world where I cared for her. It makes it so hard to forgive her but it makes it so hard to hold on to what she does at the same time. I’ve talked to her about her drinking and she often expresses how she understands her drinking got out of hand and how she’s working to control that, but then she goes and drinks so much she barely remembers what state she’s in. Then she wakes up the next day and is completely kind and supportive again.

I have some pretty bad medical issues going on currently, and I often have to tell her I’m in a lot of pain and explain to her what’s going on. A few hours ago we had a really long conversation about my health and she told me she’d do whatever she could to help me, but then she started drinking and decided to break up with my father, I told her that was a bad idea because we still have to live with him for another six months, and then she started saying how I was basically an abuser because I agreed with my father (Who, by the way, has to deal with my mother’s abuse almost constantly, while still trying to work things out) I told her I wanted to go lay down because I was in a lot of pain and my head was hurting, so I laid down and she followed me in, started ranting about me. I told her I wanted to rest because I was in a lot of pain and she basically told me that it was a stupid excuse and that she goes through way worse. This really hurt because a few hours before she was acting like she really did care about my health.

Something that really does mess with me is when she’ll deny what she has said or done in the past, then I tell her I will tell someone about what she did, and she gets all scared and angry. “You have no proof!” “Did you record it?” “You wouldn’t! Don’t you dare tell them!” That kinda thing. I know this does affect my mental health, but I’m not sure if I’m overly sensitive, or over exaggerating.

There’s just so many times I’ve had to deal with her drinking that I feel like I’m completely out of any options. I don’t know what to do. Over the years her drinking has caused me so much pain, sometimes the things she does that doesn’t even involve me really messes with my head. I’ve only ever had anyone try and protect me once, and the person who protected me sort of forgot about my mom’s drinking altogether, so it feels like there’s no one out there who can help me.

I’ve put up so many walls that I just feel numb now, and it was sort of the only way I protected myself from her insults, I stopped myself from feeling. And now I can’t start feeling again, and I don’t know how to fix that either. Please help. I’m not sure what to do about this.

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Your may bipolar or borderline personality disorder because if she is one way and the other way a different person than she has personality disorder. I hope you get through this.

@graciee,

First off, thank you for sharing all of this. It can be hard to just dive into difficult memories, especially when what’s been said to you is still having a huge impact on your heart. We don’t know each other, but for what it’s worth, I’m super proud of you for putting your walls down, even just a few minutes, and for allowing yourself to be here, to bravely share your story. Thank you. Really. :heart:

In my opinion, your mom’s behavior is, indeed, abusive. And I’m really sorry that you’re in the middle of this. It doesn’t really matter if alcohol is part of the story. Of course, it matters to understand maybe what triggers this behavior and what has to be changed. But it’s not an excuse either. She’s your mom. And the things she said to you, whether it’s loving or not, has an impact on you. She has a responsability of love, care and safety because she is your mom. But it sounds that, right now, she’s not able to handle this role. It sounds that she needs help, and you are not the one who has to be in charge of this responsability.

I have absolutely no doubt that she loves you. As you said, she also know how to be kind and compassionate when alcohol is not involved. But this kind of addiction can lead to some pretty dark behaviors. And absolutely none of this is your fault. She has her own struggles, she’s dealing with it in a wrong way, and you don’t deserve to be told such awful things repeatedly.

I personally recognize a lot of my mom through the description of yours. She didn’t have any problem with alcohol, but she also had her own struggles and expressed it through some very destructive ways for my siblings and I. She could be loving too. Like Dr.Jekyll and Mr.Hyde. Two persons in one body. And as I grew up, I didn’t understand who was my mom, if she really loved us or not. She told me similar things as you, about abortion and being a mistake in this world, about not being a good daughter and all the guilt that goes with it. And the attitude of denial after all of this. In this situation, we want to hang on to the “I love you” and ignore all the rest. But in the long run, “all the rest” becomes too important. It takes too much space. Because it shouldn’t be like this.

I’ll say it again, because I don’t know if someone already said it to you: this is not your fault. I can understand that you want to fix this situation, but this is certainly beyond your own control, friend. It is not your role to do that. And you deserve to be safe too. You also need proper healthcare right now. Again, it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t want to do it or that there’s no love between you two. But she doesn’t seem to be in a position that would allow her to handle the responsabilities that being a parent requires.

On your end, you are in a position of being aware that something’s wrong, that it shouldn’t be like this. And you are absolutely right. At this moment, you and your mom need help. For you to be safe, and for her to heal. So I would like to encourage you to reach out to the following helpline - or at least to think about it: https://www.childhelp.org/childhelp-hotline/ - Whether it’s through texts, a call or the online chat. I don’t know how old you are, and I totally understand that this step can be very scary and uncomfortable, but you have the right to use those services, and it sounds like right now you and your family really needs it. It’s okay to have a third party involved when a situation is beyond our control. It’s important because it can help you both to create, with time, the safe and loving environment you need and deserve.

Another possibility, maybe, would be to reach out to someone in your family. You mentioned your grandparents for example, do you think they could intervene and help you? Or someone else?

I’m not presuring you for anything. I don’t want to stress you. And it’s only about discussing right now. Just know that you’re not alone. We - this community - are here with you. We see you. We want you to be safe. You don’t deserve to endure your mom’s struggles. And there are people out there who can help you, who can provide for both of you the help that’s needed in your situation.

In any case, I’m sending all the love to you. You are seen, you are heard, you are loved. :heart:

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Wow. thank you so much for this, it’s been hard trying to figure this out and I’m really glad I was able to wake up to your reply, it means a lot to me, and I’m considering reaching out to my grandparents, thank you <3

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I’m really glad to hear that, @graciee. It’s really brave of you to think about this option.

Here if you need, to discuss, to vent. On a topic here or privately. If you’re comfortable with it: keep us up to speed. But no pressure or obligation to share. :heart: Just know that you’ll only be welcomed with tons of love here. If you want, feel also free to stop by during the livestreams on twitch.tv/heartsupport - on weekdays. There’s quite an awesome community there, always ready to listen, support and give tons of love. :wink:

Just a reminder: You are loved. And you are not what your mother said to you when she was drinking. Keep in mind that when she said something hurtful, she’s expressing herself but it’s not about you. It comes from a pain that really has nothing to do with you. And the way she said it, the tone she used doesn’t make any difference.

I’m rooting for you. :heart:

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