Is this an overreaction?

Hello all!

For some people my struggle will sound stupid and backwards, but we’re all different and i suppose we’re affected differently from things.

I love my girlfriend and we’re together for a few months, and she certainly loves me - she’s very clear on reminding me of that almost everyday. We’re both very conservative when it comes to relationships, we believe in full loyalty (even in thoughts), i believe in being masculine and she believes in being feminine, we both prefer old school things like i’ll always pay for our dates (although she does offer sometimes, out of politeness i think), and we’re planning to get married soon.

The other day we were having our ‘couple fun’, then we finished, talked a bit and went to sleep. I realised she couldn’t sleep so i stayed awake with her, like i usually do even on the phone when she can’t.

After a while of talking she said something that for most people would mean nothing, but for me changes everything. She said “i’ll just try to think of [some actors name that i forgot]'s jawline so i can sleep better.”

I just couldn’t believe that she would say that to me, to my face, honestly. It felt incredibly humiliating and disrespectful, specially considering the whole essence of our relationship. After that i simply don’t feel attracted to her anymore, and i’ve always seen her as this very peculiar woman who i knew i couldn’t ever replace, and now everything changed, literally everything. The things she does or says that i used to find incredibly cute does nothing for me anymore, and i barely feel like a man anymore (in her eyes).
I know, some of you will say this is normal these days (although i don’t think it’s right), but even if i did, saying that to my face? It’s unbelievably disresectful, don’t you think?

Do you have any opinion on that?
Thank you very much for the reply.

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From a girl’s perspective, sometimes we say stupid stuff without thinking about it too much. Having said that, marriage is a partnership between two imperfect people, not a binding agreement to give up your identity, self and thoughts. What you do in your mind is your business, and also your responsibility to make sure it doesn’t hurt you or your relationships. So if your girlfriend finds someone attractive, (we all do, some people are very pretty!) that doesn’t take anything away from you. She chooses you every day, you are the one she loves. You are the one she wants to be with. Visual appeal has nothing to do with loyalty, sexuality or faithfulness. I grew up very conservative and it very much crippled my emotional well-being in terms of acceptance and love. Reframe your thoughts. Talk to her. You are allowed to have feelings. You are allowed to feel the way you feel, but consider that men are conditioned to act a certain way, and that might not be the healthy way. I hope you too can work it out, you both sound very sweet.

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We certainly aren’t here to judge you or to pull your relationship apart.
What I would think is a good thing to think about is why that thought and that statement upset you to the point you don’t find her attractive.

Just so I can better understand what you mean about loyalty in thoughts, I will give you an example of my partner and I. We both acknowledge when someone is attractive or parts of them we like (eyes, hair, personality), but we wouldn’t fantasise about cheating on one another. Does her saying that she was going to dream about this persons jawline feel like it was going to that place of fantasising cheating? If so have you communicated that to her and asked her what her thoughts and opinions are?

I do find communication can be such a huge game changer.
If this really is something you want to work through or alternatively something you can’t get past, then that probably should be communicated before a bunch of other little things build up

Hey there Goingmad

First off, I’m so happy you came here to share your thoughts, as you came to the right place.

But yes, I agree the whole idea of saying that to your face is a bit of a step too far, but I also see it from the other perspective in that she may have just been joking or said something in jest as means to lighten the mood and be witty and funny. In a comfortable, solid and trusting relationship, I feel one should be free to say things like she did. But that all takes time and perhaps you aren’t there yet.
If she had prior knowledge and you engaged in prior discussions about this stuff then she should know better.

Personally, I’d have reacted the exact same way you did. Little things like that bother me endlessly and my expectations are ungodly high for things I believe should just be commonplace. I find I really need to lower the bar because the traditional values I hold strongly sadly don’t exist much anymore.

Have you discussed this with her? I know I’d be unable to hold in how I feel and therefore I’d need to say something as holding things in makes things far worse. After all, it’s affecting you personally and that’s unfair to you. Relationships shouldn’t consist of holding things in. Everything should be open for discussion, as that’s how trust in one another is built.

Keep us updated!

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