I want to be clean. I haven’t gone a full day clean for the past week or two or three. I don’t know why I keep messing up. I keep trying. But I keep, at some unknown point, losing my self control. I misplaced my drawstring (which I’m glad for); I picked up other items and wrapped them, but then threw them back down onto the floor; and I closed and bagged all my sharps. However, more methods and items to be used are popping up everywhere. I can’t get rid of everything, especially when I can use my own body against myself. I keep resisting every night but I always wake up dirty. During this month of November, I want to finally get to 5 full days in a row of being clean. Is that manageable? Is that too long, considering I don’t even have one full day clean, or is that too short, considering that that’s only 1/6 on the month.
Are you working with a therapist? I admire your persistence in trying to overcome this. Having professional help could make a huge difference.
Having one day clean is absolutely not too short. In fact, 15 to 30 minutes at a time is not too short. Choose whatever increment of time that you know you can handle, even if it’s just a few minutes at a time. Gradually, when it feels right, you can increase the length of your time goals.
It is far more empowering to succeed at multiple short-term goals that it is to set longer-term goals and not succeed. If you can be clean for one hour, you can keep being clean for one hour at a time. At least that’s how I’ve managed to get rid of tenacious habits.
Consider also, taking note of what is causing you stress, or other feelings that trigger the urge. SH is not a standalone problem. Typically, it’s a symptom that manifests because of some other source of stress.
My heart goes out to you. Stay safe.
I do truly commend your courage in expressing your struggles. Patterns are generally difficult to break away from. Your determination to strive for a period of being clean is a great step in the right direction. Setting a goal like the one you have is a good start.
Progress isn’t ever straight forward unfortunately. An achievement would even just be getting to 1 day clean, but aiming for 5 days clean is admirable. It is a realistic goal, but you must be extremely kind and sensitive to yourself. Recovery is extremely challenging, and relapses are okay.
Whilst you are focusing on recovery, it’s important to take one day at a time. One step at a time, you’re moving forward. Each effort you make, each resistance to self-harming is a victory. Even if relapses do happen, they don’t erase any progress you make. You are much larger than these moments.
Please keep on doing amazing!
TW: self harm, suicidal ideation, i’d stay away from reading this (it’s so embarrassing, I don’t know why I made it)
I am not making it for 5 days. I’m not one to give up, and I know I have time, but I’m just being realistic. I made it two days after I made this post but I’ve gone ZERO since. I don’t even know if I’ve lasted today. I’m losing track. It’s the same thing every time. I have bad thoughts, want something to mask them, lose control, choke myself (I haven’t been eating much do dizziness comes quickly), regret it, cry about it, tell myself that I’ll never do it again, sleep, wake up, go through a normal day, have bad thoughts, want something to mask them, and so forth. What’s a better goal. Or should I stop caring? They never kill me. The physical pain ends rather fast and it leaves little to none marks. What is so bad about it? Oh well, you tell me not to and I should trust you if I want to break these habits. I’ve written maybe 2 or 3 pages of my book. It’s disgusting and I’m a slow writer but at least I’m working on something. Maybe working more on it will make it come together. My shots are over and I did hydration testing for wrestling a few days ago. I weighed in at 5.5% body fat and had to get a doctor’s note to wrestle. I am now too far under my safe weight for my weight plan but I feel too sick to eat. I don’t want to eat. It feels like a chore. I want to sit still and never walk again. I never want to eat again. I just want to wallow in my own thoughts until they slow down, the world blurs, and it’s finally gone. One time a choke left me feeling temporarily paralyzed for a few seconds. I want to match that. I felt so nice, so tranquil, so calm. Oh crap, this is getting weird. Should I delete this? Say yes. I can’t make a decision on my own because every decision my mind tells me to make is: “hurt yourself.” or “you’ve already lost today, one more choke couldn’t hurt your non-existent streak. okay, how about another?” Sometimes I want to run away from home or school and check into a hospital and never leave. However, that will probably cause more harm than good in more ways than one. And what’s stopping myself from jumping into the nearest body of water I can possibly find and realise… oh crap… I can’t swim? A bunch of overreactions, that’s what that is. It’s not even real. It’s just my mind. I want to cut my mind off. I wish I could tell my thoughts from the other thoughts. I can realise the difference between the good intruder and my normal thoughts and listen to the good intruder. However, I cannot tell the difference between the bad intruder and what I truly believe. Ramble, ramble, ramble. I’ll shut up now. I’m sor- oops, I forgot I’m not allowed to say that
I failed. Two days. Maybe three or four, but definitely two. Not 5 days. Not a streak. Just two days. I thought I would succeed but it all just went downhill. Ugh. I guess I’ll try again this month. I don’t even know what to do.
I see that you’re trying really hard, and trying to find what could be a way to manage to meet your goal. I admire you for your strength to keep pushing forward. I know it’s been a rough road for you. And I am truly grateful that you’re still here, and still using this space to share your thoughts. We always welcome them, because I for one al always happy to know that you’re doing well. I remember you from way back when, and even now once in a while, I’ll think of you and hope that you are doing well, and possibly even having happy moments.
Battling these kinds of thoughts, I see you called them an “intruder” which is a good way to describe them, can be really really rough, especially if we are trying to do it on our own.
Would you be able to see a therapist? I know that you have deep feelings about finding peacefulness and just being able to have a quiet moment, but you don’t know how to get there. A therapist might be able to help you tackle some of the factors causing some of this, and may even have tips and skills you can build to help you cope or manage throughout the day.
Have you ever tried yoga? Not just to do the stretches, but to use it to ground yourself, discover various breathing techniques that can cause other parts of your body to be activated and soothe you. Even some of the gentle yoga flowing routines may help you to have a short term goal to focus on, and use your body in a good and peaceful way, and maybe by focusing on how the body works, you can start to build a happier relationship with your body.
Above all else, I’m proud of you friend, for trying, for being here.
You matter and you’re loved. Hope we keep hearing from you, whenever you need it. We’re here cheering for you.
@Swix, I’m proud of you. For the efforts you put into your recovery, for sharing your thoughts here and listening to the good intruder when it’s necessary.
You know, two days may not sound like a lot - but it really is. And it’s okay to give yourself some space to acknowledge that too. Somehow, a part of healing is about nurturing our growth and celebrating our efforts. It can’t always feel like an exhausting battle
Two days is a lot because before it you were at zero. There were times when it felt impossible to even go through a day without knowing urges overpowering you. When I was deep in my own eating disorders (but also deep in trying to recover), I also had a hard time going through one day without giving in the urges and hurting myself. It was the same freaking routine every day, with the same hopes, stress and urges on repeat. How much I felt the need to be completely separated from myself was huge. It felt impossible to overcome and I thought it would be the death of me. But just like I have learned to use ED as a way to cope natural realms of life, it took time to unlearn it.
Each time you don’t hurt yourself is a win. You pile up a stack of experience that makes you more resilient each time. You prove to yourself and create the memory that navigating days without hurting yourself is possible in this very life. It’s not just a distant dream. For now, it feels like getting there takes an insane amount of energy and creates constant tension within. Little by little, it will feel more natural, more owned.
Keep trying just as you can. Your efforts are worth it. 5 days is a beautiful goal, although don’t let it overshadow the power of what you have done already either - two days, two complete days! That’s how brave and determined you are.
I believe in you, still and always.