2 months from 2:37 pm tomorrow I looked my beautiful angel in the face, and told my baby I loved them for the first and last time. As tomorrow begins to approach, I think back on the past two months and the decisions that I’ve made, and man to say I’m a screw up that’s a freaking understatement.
There were only three people in my life that walked along side me through what I would say was the worst thing I’ve been through in the last 21 years (and believe me I’ve been through a lot). If I looked back on two months ago, I don’t think I would ever expected that I would be at this point. The point where I hurt them to the point that they all had to step away, so they could heal, and in their hopes that I would begin to heal.
Tonight I got a message from an old friend, who I had pretty well cut out of my life due to reasons, because of a bad situation, saying that there was a twitch account that was my name spelled right made, and my nudes were posted on there as the offline image, as well as in the panels below the viewer. And man this is a battle I’ve fought since October of 2017, and it’s still happening. I mean between it being leaked online, in discords, in other streams, and my own, to twitch accounts being made, man I’m just over it.
I hurt people that I wish I would have never caused any pain to them at all. These people that I love so much, and mean the absolute world to me. I regret trusting the person who the nudes were originally sent to, because unfortunately they’ve continued to be leaked for almost two years after. I regret so many things in my life, I regret the relationships I’ve had, the relationships that I’ve broke, the people that I’ve hurt, but ultimately I’m regretting the life that I’m living.
I’m hurting more than I can put into words, and it seems at this point I have no way to turn. I’ve tried to apologize and mend relationships, and I know that it takes time, but I’m so mad at myself for even letting it get to that point. I find myself getting frustrated with someone I used to call my friend, based solely on their words, because people just don’t get it. People don’t get that I fight every day for my recovery. I fight every day to keep myself alive. I force myself to eat… to sleep… to do anything… But I’m starting to feel like I have no purpose to continue fighting.
Sorry for the rant,