It always comes back to this

I feel like I’m starting to sink again. The school year has ended and as much as I love my summer vacation I miss my students, my coworkers and my routines.

It’s left a lot of room for those nasty and unwanted voices to come back into my head and it’s been really problematic as of late. I’ve been in a steady relationship for a little over four months. I’m with someone who I truly believe values and cares for me including the copious amounts of things that I’ve dealt with/am dealing with. Except recently I’ve noticed that despite all of the care and love that this person shows me, I feel like I’m undeserving of it.

I know its connected back to the assault…I’m well aware of that, I’m just tired of it. I’ve made so much progress and now it feels like I’ve taken five steps back. I know this person cares about me but that seed of doubt is still in the back of my mind and continues to grow. I’d done a really good job of not thinking or feeling like I was broken or damaged goods, but I think now that I have all this time on my hands the thoughts are back. I’m not sure if they were ever really gone or if i had just pushed them to the side so I could do my job.

I want to love myself and know that I’m valued and deserving of the love that I’m showed but I just don’t. I’m so frustrated because I really really care about this person and I can see this relationship going somewhere. But I’m starting to shut down emotionally because I’m just sure he deserves so much more and so much better and I’m not that right now.

I know as a Christian I’m supposed to believe that I’m loved by God but even that’s hard for me right now because I just feel so freaking messed up. Every time I’ve come to the support wall in the last two years with the exception of maybe one post, it’s been something related to the assault. It’s always related to that and I’m just waiting for it not to be.

Hey friend. I’m sorry that you’re feeling like this. I know how much an event like that takes out of a person and it sucks. Talk to your partner and let them know how you feel if you can. You might be able to come up with ways to cope when the thoughts reappear. You’re not alone, we are all here for you. Keep fighting.

Kayla

Hey @TheJediAshCash,

In addition to what you mentioned in your first sentence, I also find that having a steady routine is one of the best coping mechanisms for me, and when I’m displaced, I tend to have an increased level of anxiety (and subsequently depression). So, know that you’re not alone with what you’re going through!

Regarding the guy that you’re interested in, I would say to take him at his word. If he says he loves you and cares for you, then believe it until he gives you a reason not to (which will hopefully never be the case). I used to have pretty bad trust issues until I developed a system of choosing to place my trust in people off-the-bat unless they give me a reason not to. It would be unfair to the other person to be skeptical about them when they have done nothing wrong, only because of my unfortunate past experiences.

Also, I just want to reiterate that God does love you. Heck, Jesus spent most of His time hanging out with the broken and hurting - not the rich and powerful. If you trust Him with your afterlife, why wouldn’t you trust Him with this life? Just some food for thought. :slight_smile: You’re strong! You got this!

-Eric

1 Like

Hi,

First, I am sorry that you are feeling this way. I know how a daily routine can help you take your mind off of things and when that routine ends, it’s hard to adjust. Perhaps, this may be something that will always happen when the summer comes. Maybe you can do some things to fill up your time, maybe some new hobbies or get a part time job? Then you can prepare for next summer so that you don’t just walk into this wall of depression.

Secondly, I want you to know that you don’t need to be hard on yourself. I am a Christian too and I know that God loves me. I know that Jesus died for me. I know that I am valued and that I am wonderfully made. However, at the same time, I have depression and very low self-esteem because of my past experiences. Insecurity is very hard to overcome. I want you to know that you are not alone, and no matter what, whether you feel ugly, not enough, insecure, messed up…God still loves you and he still wants a relationship with you. Just continue to seek out his truth and speak the truth over yourself, even if you don’t believe it - but don’t get upset with yourself if you slip up. God loves you even in your worst.

Keep staying consistent. Let your boyfriend know how you feel. Don’t hide it. And keep fighting.

<3 Stephanie

1 Like