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It feels like I'm splitting in two

I don’t know how this all started. Usually when I find someone interesting and I start to enjoy being around them, I make myself break my own heart so that when it comes time to find out I’m not “their type” or I’m not what they are looking for, I don’t feel as sad. Recently, I did what I normally do. I beat myself down and remind myself that no time in history have I ever been liked back. Theres a reason for that, I’m not what society wants. I’m not thin, I don’t have the features. I have nothing. Tonight I spent my night breaking myself down and I don’t know, I feels like my heart is splitting into two different parts. Like I feel everything breaking. It hurts so much. I just wish I was different I guess. I wish I didn’t have to hurt myself mentally in order to not be hurt in the future.

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hello, first i wills say your ability to come here an tell your story is a great step, loving yourself and learning to use your VOICE like this can be a way to change your thoughts, yourself and the stories help others.
And LOVE, yeah thats a big one for us all, in fact its what brought me back here tonight.
perhaps a story of my own can help in some way ,
Try making a choice to let silly thoughts like I’m not thin, or i have nothing and discard them.
let yourself, love yourself, love what you do for work, be open to smile and talk to strangers like now! , look to help another randomly can really change your day, and the people u meet and your happiness. An open mind for opportunity in love, work or who knows is just keeping your head up and observing the world around you :slight_smile:
Story that brought me back to site to talk to someone:
since my last relationship it took my 12 years to unravel it i my mind, much like your thoughts are really looking for the truth, be aware thoughts can trick you, try to decide if a thought once it enters your mind …is it useful? can this help really me grow? if it cannot let it go ,
this week that same ex from 15 years ago that i spent so much time mentally depressed and searching for answers to my depression and mindset over why …i learned passed she just away 2 days ago…this is tough to take as 3 years ago i had that magic moment in life where i untangled all that fog in my head, and realized she had to let me go for her, the kids and well for me to be happy…and my love only grew larger i had a 12 year quest to understand what love is, it was her and her family that taught me what it was in the end all along. That is the amazing gift she gave me. I sit here crying for her and the mental health right now for her kids, i am not their biological father, but the love is too strong to sit back now. So i am risking it to re connect and be able to help them thru a difficult time. (there grandma , my ex’s mom passed from the same caner 2 years before. This family was so close it was something i did not understand from my growing up so i know now they need support.

My catalyst for a mental change was after my boss of 10 years committed suicide 3 years ago., somehow i found a 2 week Class called E3 Mindset, based off the book Who Owns the Icehouse (You read book in course along with videos and tasks in 2 weeks) This class, and book a great Story, well it was magic for me. so much that i am even closer to becoming a teacher of the same course to well, help others it was so powerful, and this comes from a guy who spent most of his life not being able to talk or express feelings.
Love is worth the risk, but you need to be ready and happy within! small steps Inward are giant leaps in the world around you!

Sorry to ramble i came here to make my own post, but yours was about finding love. which was well on my mind.

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I appreciate everything you have just given me. Right now I feel lost, I don’t know how to be open anymore. For a while I thought that if I just went for it, maybe it would work. It never did. I just don’t know how to make life work when I’m just not good enough.

Your good enough, and as you find your voice it feels awkward to be open and vulnerable, over time it can more comfortable and helpful to sort your thoughts out, keep going!
and your ability to Just go for it!
Well thats also the most important thing in life we all need. embrace that you CAN do this.
THIS:
“For a while I thought that if I just went for it, maybe it would work.”
i call this failing FORWARD. its essential to grow and overcome so many hurdles…
So you know what, your doing that right!!
Don’t second guess that part!
Much like inventors of the world they fail all the time it might be the 100th experiment that changes the world.
be introspective, extract the good from it, maybe what went wrong for a minute, take what you find useful and let it go.

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I can’t do it. I just can’t keep getting hurt. I can’t put myself out there knowing that there’s no chance for me anywhere. I don’t know how

your here ,
You have put yourself out there right now.
And you know what your helping me. while i try to help you.
I will not hurt you, i mean your name has chocolate in it!

I have not been in relationship in 15 years.
I am shaking like eminem , arms weak, legs heavy moms spaghetti,
(lose yourself i often play this for inspiration)
And i am trying to find a way to date or meet someone whole covid is around…i have to try! and yeah its feels impossible to me. but i smiled at girl riding in park today. patted myself on back about it too haha.

that made me smile. I just don’t think I can do it. theres nothing good about me. I don’t have anything to give.

I read “that made me Smile.”
And now i am Smiling.

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Hey gigi,
I have a best friend who is struggling with the same thing, my sister used to struggle with it, and I also struggled with it for a couple of years. Feeling like we are unlovable is such a shitty feeling. It can cause us to mentally self harm by saying things like “I have nothing to give” and “I am unlovable”.
You wanna know what helped me get through it? I strived to become the person that I would love, and then looked for people who loved the type of person I became. This is something that is hard to hear but man did it change my life and it changed my sisters life as well. If we don’t love ourselves, how can we expect others to be attracted to us? Everyone (that includes you) has something to give and is worth loving. Show people that you are worth loving by striving to first love yourself. It’s a hard thing to do, but man does it make life so much more beautiful.
Know that I love you and my heart aches for you. I have felt a little bit of what you are feeling and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. But there is hope. You have worth and there is love in your future.

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I hear that you have to love yourself in order to find love all the time. I don’t know how to love myself, I’m lost and I just don’t know where to start.

I hear that. Well for starters, trying to stop letting yourself talk negative about yourself is a great first step. Everytime you have a negative thought cross your mind, you could try telling yourself that is not helpful and then say something positive about yourself (even if you don’t believe it… don’t worry, you will eventually). Also it helps to write down aspects about the type of person you would like to be and then think about what it would take to become that person. Then write down some goals about how to work towards becoming that person. That is huge. When you start trying to live like the person you want to become and ask yourself “what would my dream self do in this moment?” Then do that thing, you will notice a change in your mental chemistry. Reprogram your thoughts, reprogram your life. Hope this helped :slight_smile:

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it did help. I just don’t think I can do it. I’m a lost cause

yes,
asking yourself if you could do anything from today forward with No obstacles what would that be?
take a moment or a handful of moments, to look inward on what that could you would do if no limits were set. an honest reflection of your passions in life or goals.
Also i wrote things on my door so i read them on the way out of house on fridge as well. silly but gosh darn it they work!

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I appreciate all the nice suggestions and comments, I just can’t do it. I can’t get encouragement from a sticky note. I can’t encourage myself or love myself because I never learned how, no one ever did it for me. I’m sorry for wasting all of your time.

have any pets? hobbies? interests?
No need to say sorry, we are here because we want to spend our time listening to you!
and hey sticky notes may not be your thing, but there is something to explore.

I just can’t handle this anymore, it’s not getting better. I just want to be different, I want to be someone who isn’t seen as wrong by society. I understand the appeal of people different than me, I get it. I’m not mad at society, I’m mad at myself. I’m mad I made myself stay alive for this long. To suffer heartbreak and self-hatred for years. I’m sorry, thanks for trying to help

Love what makes you different !
75 percent of what you know is unique and only seen thru your eyes and time observing the world, this stories you can tell using that unique pool of experiences is worth sharing with another and listening to them for the same reason.
If you write these thoughts down into stories to understand them over time it can be helpful
sometimes the pen and paper can write things you did not expect to examine them in written words. Journals are helpful, as well.
for rough moments breath in so your stomach and lungs fill up feel that and exhale, oddly while doing so its hard to focus on anything else. (a true you cant walk and chew bubble gum) haha attempt at jopke but maybe helpful :slight_smile:

I just can’t handle it anymore. I don’t want to keep hurting like this, I’m so tired of feeling lonely and hurt. I don’t know what to do