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It feels like i'm the one always apologizing

I know my online friend doesn’t really like me talking about him on this forum but I really need to talk about this because if I come to him with what I feel, he’ll blow up again.

Everytime I express i’m uncomfortable with a joke or sarcasm, he gets upset with me. I’m an autistic person and I have a lot of trouble with social cues and figuring out what is a joke and what isn’t. He makes jokes and when i express that I don’t understand it or it makes me feel some type of way. He says im acting weird and goes offline for a while instead of talking to me.

I can’t function in a friendship where we aren’t talking about things. And I feel like my feelings are neglected. He thinks i’m trying to make him seem bad when I just need someone to listen and understand. He gets upset way too fast and leaves before I can explain.

And in the end it feels like I have to apologize while he’s the acts like he’s the one that didn’t do anything wrong. Why can’t he apologize for not listening to me, why can’t he apologize for making me feel abandoned emotionally and misunderstood. And the thing is he doesn’t because in his mind and perception, he feels like he’s done all the things for me. But that’s not what I feel and then I get invalidated by him saying whatever he does is not good enough for me. And I just have to apologize for being the one to start an argument or make him upset.

And then he blames my autism for the reason I feel upset. And I feel extremely hurt by that.

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Hi Amaris :slightly_smiling_face:
I am going to be honest here your friend does not seem to act like a good friend to you. You should not have to apologise for the things that are beyond your control like your autism. you are being respectful and reasonable with your concerns and needs. I see nothing wrong here. The thing that your friend needs to understand is that it is not about him it is about you. It is about you feeling uncomfortable, hurt or anxious. Yes you are autistic and there are sertain things to keep in mind when you are a friend with an autistic person so you dont make them feel hurt or anxious.
There is a sertain lack of care, concern or understanding of your condition on his part.

The thing I want to say is that you dont have to apologise for the way you are. If he is a real friend who cares about you he will understand that. If not than he is not a very good friend to you. I undertand that your friend has problems too but that does not mean that your problems are less valid than his and he should realise that. I hope you can work this out between the two of you. It will take effort and understanding on both parts but it is doable. I wish you good luck on that. Bye. :wink:

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Hey @Amaris,

It’s really unfortunate that your friend puts the blame on your autism but seems also unwilling to discuss. How you feel, no matter what it is, doesn’t have to be questioned. It’s how you feel, period. And as much as autism can be difficult for some people to understand, it sounds that you’re really asking him to help you in situations when it’s hard to get the tone of what he’s saying. It’s definitely not too much to ask, and certainly not something to be blamed for.

I’m sorry that he takes your questions and vulnerability as being personal. It sounds that your friend has some issues between him and himself, and your interactions just act as a trigger sometimes. But it’s still not your fault. He chooses to react a certain way too, and it’s unfair that it is turned against you.

You don’t have to apologize for being autistic. Never. Not everyone is diagnosed for something, but we all have our own limits, especially when it’s about communicating with others. Autism doesn’t make you less than anyone. I’m sorry that your friend take it personally instead of seeing it as an opportunity to discuss together, and also to understand each other better.

I hope you could both discuss about it more openly and without any argument in the future. With only the purpose in mind of finding solutions together and finding your own way to communicate with each other. I hope that, on his end, he will also accept to have a little more patience and take the time to explain things when and if that is necessary. The worst would be to understand that something hurts you, and to use that against you. When it’s about how we feel, arguments shouldn’t happen. It should only lead to a need for more understanding and being more listening on each part.

I’m sending hugs your way. :hrtlegolove:

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From: Lisalovesfeathers (Discord)

Hi Friend, Thanks for your post, I am a little perplexed by it to be honest. I am sorry that you are having these problems with this person but I am also wondering why you have chosen to remain friends with someone who makes you feel all these negative feelings and never apologizes for it? I don’t think you would allow a stranger to treat you this way so why a friend? You are worth so much more than this. I am not saying that this person is a bad person by any means, maybe the two of you just don’t gel, maybe you just have two very different personalities but clearly it doesn’t seem to be working very well. Either you need to sit and work it out and put in some boundaries or perhaps its time to find a friend who makes you feel better about yourself. You are worthy of a friend who loves and treats you well. Much Love Lisa.

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From: eloquentpetrichor (Discord)

Hello again, Amaris! I’m sorry your friend doesn’t like you talking about him on the forum but it’s unfortunate that he knows you talk about him here and doesn’t recognise your need to talk as an indication that maybe he should listen so you don’t feel the need to find support elsewhere. I’m always happy to read your posts and support you when I can and I’m sure everyone else responding feels the same way, so it’s unfortunate that someone who calls you a friend and wishes to be one to you does not seem interested in providing the same support. And the way he reacts to you not getting or liking his jokes seems very childish. I do not know either of your ages but maybe he is showing you his true colours by acting that way and maybe you should reevaluate the value you put in his friendship. I’m not saying you should necessarily stop being his friend, as I have no right to tell anyone who to be friends with, but friends listen to one another and don’t make each other feel bad when they know it is hurting the other person. I remember reading one of your other posts saying that you managed to have a proper conversation with him and there was a misunderstanding happening and things were better after. So maybe try having another proper conversation with him to see if another misunderstanding is happening. But it also could be that your friendship has run its course. And if that’s the case then that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Not all friendships, even the strongest ones, aren’t meant to last forever and it doesn’t make the friendship any less wonderful or meaningful. It just means it wasn’t forever. I wish you the best of luck and I look forward to reading more posts from you in the future anytime you come seeking support. Stay strong :hrtlegolove:

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