I wanna state that the encounter I’m gonna talk about was consensual but it did make me uncomfortable and reminded me of why I find cis men hard to be with.
So as I’ve talked about before I’m a sexual abuse victim
I have been treated shitty by men for being a trans woman and I have been groomed as a child because I’m trans but I’m not gonna talk about that again I’m gonna talk about the effects that trauma has had on me a queer woman who calls her self a lesbian but occasionally fools around with men.
The past couple of days I been seeing a guy and we’ve had sex a few times but I’m often on the bottom in these situations which I don’t have a issue with when I’m with women usually but with men it brings back alot of shitty feelings I don’t enjoy having in those moments and when ever I try to explain that I have issues and trauma with men being in charge during sex every guy I’ve been with tells me they’ll treat me differently and that they respect me but never when I ask if I can top or take control they turn me down and kinda just take more control and I just can’t speak up when it gets that way (I should state I don’t feel violated when this happens I just feel powerless and it’s easier to just submit and try again later)
first I want to clarify that you’re feeling safe with the men? If at any time you’re feeling overwhelmed or threatened/triggered are they respectful enough to stop? Is there a safe word?
does this feeling of being powerless impact you in anyway? Bring up negative feelings or is it just frustration that they don’t listen and let you be more in control?
it sounds like you’re communicating your wants with the person and they aren’t responding? Communication is very important, especially with sex. Your voice deserves to be listened to
Yes I feel safe and I’m not being triggered usually the men I have issues with are cis men I’ve been with trans men and trans masc people and have had no issues feeling like my wants are being ignored or I’m just being seen as a feminine guy
i’m thankful you feel safe with your partners, derpplup. i feel like feeling safe is priority in these situations. however, i do hope you find a partner that does respect your needs and requests. at least for me, that is the basis of maintaining strong self-worth knowing that your needs can be respected so i’m hoping one day someone can respect that. you deserve that. especially with your history with sexual abuse, your safety and the respect your partner gives you is of great importance.
Hey, Derpplup I’m sorry that you’ve been having bad experiences with your sexual encounters. I echo Neko’s sentiment that your feeling of safety is the most important thing not just because of your history but because everyone deserves to feel safe and cared for when being intimate with others rather than simply used. I hope that you can find a way to make your voice heard with your partners and that you can find someone you feel truly safe with and who cares for you the way you 1000% deserve.
Never forget that you matter and you have so much value as a person
Feeling safe and secure with a partner with very key to a relationship. And your partner respecting your wishes, especially in intimate situations, is very, very vital to any relationship. I hope with all my being that you find a partner that respects that. Your worth is you.
You deserve love and respect from your partner. And I hope you find one that you give it right back to. Be the awesome person you are, friend. You matter.
Hi there @Derpplup,
Thank you for posting about this. That sounds so challenging and am sorry that you’re not being respected during sex. Sex is such a personal, intimate activity and your voice deserved to be heard and accepted. I hope that you’re able to find future partners that are more understanding and respectful of your sexual boundaries and needs.
I’m glad that you’re sharing this with us and know that you deserve respect. Please, don’t hesitate to reach out in the future if more is on your mind.
I’m sorry that you’ve had so many traumatic sexual experiences. It takes its toll.
It’s sounds like you’re experiences with men haven’t really been pleasurable, more something to endure when you start feeling like you’re not being heard and cared for. You’ve been controlled and muscled beyond what’s comfortable for you.
We live in an “anything goes” culture right now, and it’s confusing and damaging when the rules are so fluid, especially in the middle of being physically intimate. I reread that sentence and it could seem harsh and rude. I don’t mean it to be that way. I don’t think it’s ever right for someone to override another’s boundary. But, I think, there’s freedom and pleasure in a mature relationship, where there is clear and open communication, where both people can pay attention to each other’s needs and can adjust their actions in the midst of passion.
I think you’re worth the best of relationships. A relationship where each gives to the other, with no selfish taking, requires time and effort to develop. Passion and physical pleasure is so powerful it’s often too difficult to wait for a relationship to mature.
I’d hate for trauma to layer upon layer in your life. Take care of yourself. All the best to you as you make your way~