I have a couple things I haven’t said while being a member of the heart support community. Apart from me dealing with problems such as schizophrenia, depression and an eating disorder that all rip my life apart, I also deal with more.
I’m struggling a lot with college, meaning I have a lot of stress, it’s hard for me to catch up because I spent the penultimate time of around 6 months in hospital due to anorexia (in and out). I love learning, but honestly it gets so hard when things are weighing me down.
I’m also struggling when it comes to keeping myself sober, something I’ve only recently brought to the surface for people to hear, I’ve been struggling for awhile however, I numb the pain with it, if it’s not self harm or starving, it’s alcohol and weed. I distance myself, try not to tell anyone but it all comes out if that makes sense.
I’m struggling with loneliness, yes, I have friends that I love dearly, however, I always feel alone, a lot of people leave my life, and it hurts a lot, I feel as if I’ve done something wrong, I HAVE done something wrong, as the voice I call ‘Elive’ says.
Finally, I’m abused, not always physically (barely) but emotionally and mentally by my own mother. I should say that ‘she’s dealt with a lot in her life’ and I try to make people think that she’s not as bad as she seems because I feel like I HAVE to protect her, but in reality, it doesn’t work like that. She drinks a lot, and does other bad things, and thus my parents argue, and they have recently split, she holds it against my dad and I can’t see him when I want to, or be kicked out. I’m told that I’m not going to make it in life, and I actually talked about hanging myself, she said that I should do it because I’ve had so many chances to save my life but I can’t.
This has lead me to almost take my life twice, and attempt to once within this past week.
I have delt with this for 5 years, and it’s gotten progressively worse. I don’t know what to do and I’m loosing hope