It’s getting bad again

[HeresA.Gun.KillMePlease]

Hi. It’s me, again.

It’s hard to explain. I know, I say this a lot but this time it really is. My past days were so good. I felt good. But now I feel like I’m spiralling down again, further and further. I feel so alone and unloved most of the time. I try so hard to cheer people up when they need it and most of the time don’t even get a thank you. And even if I get one, it doesn’t feel like they actually mean it? I don’t know. My attempts to make someone feel better don’t even get acknowledged most of the time, they just ignore the messages I send and continue pushing their problems onto me. And yes, I mean that. They aren’t just telling me. They somehow twist it in a way, where I am left being the one, needing to find a solution for them. It hurts. I know, these people don’t feel good in those moments. But somehow I always end up being hurt in some way or another. I really, really want to cry so bad right now. But I can’t, which makes it worse. I just want to go home and lock myself into my room and cry. But I’m not home. And I don’t have a room for myself, where I am right now. I hate this so much.

The worst thing honestly is, I met my therapist for the first time today, in real life. Of course, that’s not bad at all. What bad is, is that I absolutely can’t talk to people in real life about all the shit that’s going on. I don’t know why, but every time I try it’s just not working out. Either I can’t get anything out at all except “I’m okay.” or, I make it look like it’s not bad at all and just a bad day and everything will be fine tomorrow again. I hate that so much. I just can’t get past that. I just wanna die so much right now, oh god.

[person2]

Hi Friend,
Take a deep breath, and then another one. If it’s possible, and you feel safe doing so, find a place to shut out noise and be alone. Sometimes putting on headphones that block out sound and listening to music helps. Do whatever helps you find calm. You can’t help people very well until you are okay first. It might feel selfish to let other people’s problems wait, but it isn’t. It isn’t actually on you to solve other people’s problems. You’re not selfish or inadequate if you don’t.

Have you talked to your therapist before not in real-life, like messaging, or videos, or over the phone, and talked to them about some of the things that are going on? It can be hard to open up when you’re face-to-face with other people, and that’s okay. The best thing to do is probably to let them know you struggle with in-person communication. Write things out if you have to. A good therapist can probably see through you clamming up and saying you’re okay, especially if you’ve communicated before.

Keep breathing – the mess and stress really can calm down. Do whatever you need to do to be okay.

• R.