It’s late and my mind is heavy

HeartSupport Support
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I don’t talk about it much. Especially online. I battle with suicidal thoughts on a regular basis. I have learned to try to get through those feelings and fight them off through my passion of art, through hanging with people who make me laugh and through the love my partner gives me.

I don’t know how else to handle it. Other than by reaching out to others who can relate and being a help to those who are also hurting. That small bit of appreciation or knowing that I can help someone else, even if just by offering a kind word, offers me a small bit of energy to hang onto. It helps me get through another moment.

Often, I spend a lot of time on here because it’s easier for me to express myself through relating to others. So I offer my heart through my understanding of other’s situation. I share my experiences and my knowledge. How I handled what they are going through. How I got through it. It’s the only way I know how to truly be open.

I don’t know how to come on her and say how awful I’m feeling. How each day is a fight to get out of bed. How most days I don’t get dressed. Taking a shower feels like a major chore, let alone cleaning up the space around me. It’s hard to admit that I look into the mirror and I hate what I see. I hate the things I’ve done. I hate my body and I hate how broken I am. The health issues I battle. It’s hard admitting to the public that the only reason I haven’t taken my life is because I’m afraid of failure. I’m afraid of pain. I’m afraid of suffocation. I’m afraid of the process. And I’m afraid of messing it up, ending up in the hospital, with a bill I can’t afford and hating myself even more.

It’s hard to admit and share how I begged my partner to stay home from work with me yesterday because I could feel the mania coming on. I felt crazy, restless, scared and like I just wanted to put a gun to my head. I needed to not be alone.

It’s scary and hard to tell people the truth of how I am feeling and I know that so many others battle with this same feeling. The fear of being a burden. The fear of people not knowing what to say or how to help. The knowing that only I can help myself. The fear of being told to stop being negative, be more positive and be thankful for the good things I have.

I am not ungrateful. I am so grateful for the few close friends I have, for a partner who is so compassionate, patient and understanding. I am grateful for the things that I have that I know I don’t deserve.

But I hide secretly in a corner behind the screen, behind the scenes, behind the online laughs and giggles, hurting. I have fought suicidal feelings for so many years that I know some people don’t even take me seriously anymore. And I’ll admit there are days where I want to force myself to take my life just to prove to people how much I mean it. So they can see how much I genuinely hurt. I know that sounds terrible. But fear always stops me. But feeling like people don’t take that pain seriously feeds a motivation to do it in a way I don’t know how to explain. I guess that comes from a life time of not being taken seriously. And being tired of it.

I don’t know how to explain this fear. But it’s there and it has held me back for so long.

I don’t like sharing things like this here. Because while I want to be understood and want people to be able to understand what I am going through and fight off every day, I don’t want it to make people think that I’m incapable. Incapable of being professional. Incapable of being good at the few things I am. Incapable of doing the few things I enjoy. I hate sharing because I fear it will turn people off from me in the places I am trying to be of help. In places I’m trying to be a positive force in. I don’t want people to think poorly of me for battling these things. I don’t want people to think less of me because I am hurting.

Why am I sharing this? Because everyone on Twitter right now is saying to speak up. If you’re hurting not to be afraid to reach out. Because even though I don’t want to admit it, half of the time I don’t feel safe with myself. But I continue to fight the best I can to keep hanging on. I make myself paint. I make myself reach out and help others. I make myself do things. But there is always that fear that I’ll lose my drive and will. That I’ll grow too tired of trying when I know deep down I carry a deep hurt, a deep sadness, a deep pain that I can’t let go of.

I’m hurting. And I have been fighting for my life more than ever the last 3 years. Seeing doctors, therapists, life and family counselors and taking the steps I need to get into a better environment and better relationship. I stopped fighting against medication and accepted that maybe inpatient is worth trying. Even if I’m terrified. I haven’t given up even though so many times I wanted to. I kept going. Even though when I finally listened to my therapist and went to the hospital to seek out inpatient care…they turned me away. I still kept going. Even through I sat crying in the parking lot with my partner because I finally worked up the courage to ask for help and I was rejected, I still went home and kept trying.

But, even with all of that trying and continued effort of helping myself, I still lie here at 3 AM in the morning wondering, what am I doing? Why am still here?

I can’t share everything that has lead me to feel this way. It’s too much. But I carry so many skeletons and so much hurt. It’s heavy. And so often I just want to turn off the lights, let darkness fall and let the silence put my mind at ease in an eternal sleep.

I know this is long. I’m sorry. This is another reason why I don’t post. I have too much too say and no filter.

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Hey there DearKoyangi
I’m gonna start by saying that I’m quite new here. In all honesty, I found this beautiful space through August Burns Red/Jake Luhrs and though I’m a bit of a digital dinosaur, I’ve already been helped through an impossible day more than once by complete strangers… even made a friend, I think :slight_smile:
I’ll follow that up by saying that your profile picture can be seen ALL over this site, I’ve read almost every comment you’ve made on total strangers’ posts/topics because you have this sincerity and generosity of spirit to your expression that is simply beautiful, and though sometimes the topics broach struggles outside the jurisdiction of my experience, I find inspiration in the words you offer.
To be someone like you for someone else… honestly, you’re the main reason I’ve replied to a few hurting souls on here in the hopes of having some kind of positive effect on their mindset.
I don’t want to say “it’s not about you” because frankly I find that kind of existence insulting. But I will say, that I’m glad you’re here, and I know that you have so much life ahead of you. I read with every letter and line the beauty of your pain-drenched soul, and I implore you to find something within to keep going. Because deep down, you want to. You’re not a candle snuffed, you’re a candle flickering; struggling but still igniting the room with your radiance.
You are loved, perfect stranger, please find it within you to persevere as you have always done (gotta keep up that 100% success rate!) because this world would miss you.
Much love,
Rhys.

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Jess,

Thank you. Your words are uplifting to my spirit and anxious mind. I know there was a lot to take in and read so I appreciate you taking the time to read and respond and with such a loving heart. It means a lot to me. Truly.
I hurt a lot, but I have a heart full of love. I want to love people, help people and show them that they are not alone. I ache when I see others who struggle with the same things I do. Because I know the pain it has caused me. To know that so many others also fight this makes my heart sad. You are also a light and I hope you know that the sentiment is mutual.

  • Kitty
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Wow. Thank you. I don’t know how to even begin to express the encouragement you and Jess have given me in this moment. Just a little bit ago I was lying in bed, torn and broken. I get up to try to find something to distract and I come back to this.
The people in this community are truly amazing. No matter how much we each are hurting, everyone has so much love and support to offer to each other. It’s so incredible.
It means a lot to me that you would take the time to read something so overwhelmingly long and respond. Thank you.
I hurt, I struggle and I have a dark battle that I am fighting on a day to day basis, but I will continue to try. Even in the moments it’s very hard to. I’m trying. I don’t always know how long I’ll be able to hold out, but I will continue to try to fight for myself. It’s a weird cycle to be in. To feel so helpless, hopeless, hurt and so badly want to call quits, but at the same time to want to be able to want to live. I feel like I’m at war with myself. A war that has been going on for years.

Anyway. Thank you. Everything you said here just really hit my heart. (In a good way)

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I’m so glad you found some distraction, if not solace, in something that we’ve said :slight_smile: and though I feel it goes without saying by dint of my being here, please consider my DMs forever open to you <3

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@anon17277947
Thank you so much for sharing! Honestly, I have only been a part of the community for around a month or so. In that short time, I have clearly seen how much of an inspiration you are to others here! You have so much empathy, kindness, and encouragement! It’s so clear from the responses to others here that you deeply care and want to help others in our situation to simply feel a little bit of joy and relief. And personally, your posts have also helped me this last month in my darkest times. I want you to know that I sincerely appreciate you. You are such an amazing and strong person and the fact that you are able to open up and be vulnerable to all of us as well shows your true strength.

While your story is absolutely unique to you, I want you to know that I am here for you my friend. I have also been battling endless darkness and pain (physical and mental). I feel like I should end my life most days. The suicidal thoughts are always present and they provide a sense of comfort to me as strange as that may sound. Wherever I have lived, I end up always finding the place I would hang myself. I know it’s so strange to even say that out loud but it’s the truth. I feel like I am drowning. The physical pain is too much to bear right now and the depression is bringing me to my lowest point again. I feel guilty and like I deserve it for some reason. I don’t know. It’s so hard.

I am so sorry you are hurting and in so much pain. You are such a kind and generous person and you should not have to be suffering this way. I wish there was something I could do to make it better for you. It’s incredible how generous your spirit is. Despite suffering daily, you are making time to post here, to get help, and to spend time with your partner and friends. I can understand that. I am so grateful for my wife. She has only been through a small portion of this hell in my life but she is my rock and she gets me through. My faith helps get me through and my family. Also, video games. It may sound contrite but the mere fact that I can get excited about video games helps me to look forward to the next day. We all have our coping mechanisms.

I am sorry I have posted such a long response back to you but I just really felt what you were saying and I wanted to share with you. THANK YOU! Than you for just being you and the amazingly strong person you are. I know each day can feel like there is no escape but you are truly helping so many people here to get through their challenges. You are an inspiration to me and your posts have helped me to get through the pain on my darkest days recently.

Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help or to just listen. You are truly not alone. You are loved and cared for by all of us here and of course by your partner and your friends. Just remember, you are amazing just the way you are, pain and all. I hope each day gets a bit better for you and that there is some joy and happiness today. Maybe it can be your favorite song or favorite food or whatever else helps.

I believe in you my friend! Stay strong!

  • Geoffrey
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Thank you. Don’t apologize, I appreciate you taking the time to respond and share your thoughts. In short or length. It means a lot. I wasn’t expecting a lot of response, honestly. So I appreciate the 3 of you. It’s uplifting to hear what you guys have shared. I took the day to rest today. Coming back to your kind words was a positive and lift to my day. Even if my day is starting a little late. Hah.

Thank you.

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Thank you so so much for sharing your heart. It is incredible brave and takes courage. My heart hurts that things haven’t worked out but from my own story I can tell you if you keep advocating for you you will get the help you deserve. It’s really hard and not easy to always be at war with your mind but I’m experienced healing in so many areas. I know it’s been harder for me to believe these things lately but I refuse to give up on hope. Keep reaching out and taking away the power from these thoughts. I’ve struggled with similar thoughts and it’s really hard to talk about but alot of people struggle with these thoughts and you are not alone. I am rooting for you and I hope you can find the right treatment plan and work through some of these things that are heavy. That you will find a support group or will continue to reach out on here. I pray that you can find the right counselor or get the right help. The fact that you are open to getting better is huge. I know it’s hard when you keep taking the right steps and things don’t feel like they are changing but this is so important and means a part of you wants to live. I write a lot too but sometimes it’s good to just get it off your chest. I’ve found so much support in this community and have only been on here for a few days. Here for you.

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Thank you Fashion. It’s definitely a challenge now that I don’t have health insurance. I don’t have access to the treatment and care I had before.
My father has offered to help me pay for the BetterHelp services when he can but he hasn’t been able to do that just yet. So, it’ll definitely be nice when he can afford to help. But in the mean time I am trying to keep finding ways to keep myself busy and focused.
It’s a challenge without medication and therapy but I’m trying to keep myself knowing that there are others way to fight. I’ll be staying with a good female friend of mine for most of July. This will help me get out more, allow me some quality friend time that I haven’t had in a long time and a refreshing get away. So I look forward for that.
I really appreciate you. Thank you friend.

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That’s definitely really hard I’m sorry. I know how hard it can be financially. Really hope things will work out soon. Finding some things I enjoy has been helping me. I like writing and painting. Been trying to watch the clouds and sunsets lately. If you ever want to talk feel free to message me. I wish there were cheaper services out there. I lucked out after searching for a counselor for a while that had a sliding scale which has been a miracle. Don’t give up I fully believe something will come along. Keep reaching out for support and try to give yourself grace for where your at. I realized a lot of my spiral last week was because I kept focusing on everything going wrong, on all the ways I was messing up instead of seeing that I am strong and using my tools the best I can. Rooting for you.

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@anon17277947,

Thank you so much for telling us your story. Although I might not know exactly how you feel, i can tell you for certain, you aren’t alone. Hell, I’m up at 11:50 at night, because I’m in a horrible spot myself. I can tell, just from your writing, that you are a very strong person. Be proud of that for sure, because I admire that strength. Don’t give up, you have a lot of potential, and are giving so much to this community and to the world.

Every droplet of water counts, no matter how small. Just remember, your droplet, creates a massive ripple on the ocean. You are loved immensely even in days, you doubt it, and maybe you never will doubt that or believe that statement, but it’s true.

Thank you, for being such a wonderful person, even though you are going through so much.

  • MoP
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Thank you MoP. I appreciate you.

I think we are all ripples in the water and have more of an impact than we may realize. I thrive, even in my hardships, to be a good one. Though I know there have been times in my life where I wasn’t.

You are wonderful. Thank you for your words of encouragement.

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@anon17277947

How are you feeling today? I am hoping and praying that you have a better day today. It’s so amazing how many wonderful people are here in this community. You all inspire me each day to keep going and fighting this intense battle. Depression is so painful but it’s so nice to see that we all have each other’s back.
Hope you are doing okay friend :slight_smile:

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I’m doing okay. Better then I was the other night. I spent a lot of time resting today.
I’ve been anxious as I’m preparing to go out of town and stay with a friend for most of July. It’ll be my first time away from my partner since 2016 and it’s been hitting me harder than I realized. I’m used to him being there when I’m having a hard time. He’s always reachable. Where now I’ll be across the country and 3 hours behind. It’s going to be a good thing but I’ve definitely been more clingy and anxious this week.

But otherwise I’m hanging in there. Trying to channel energy into my art.

In the next couple days I need to be focusing on packing, cleaning and organizing so that everything feels nice when I leave on Wednesday.

Thanks for checking in on me, friend!

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Of course! All of that is completely understandable. I hope it will be good for you and that the distance won’t be too challenging. It can be so hard being out of our comfort areas. I can understand that.

It’s really cool that you are putting your energy into art. I would imagine it helps to be creative like that. I used to play electric guitar and that would help me cope with some of the pain. Unfortunately now I live in an apartment building and am unable to play in the same way.

Hopefully all the getting ready goes smoothly. We are all rooting for you here and hope you are doing well my friend. Take care and stay strong!

  • Geoffrey
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My partner plays the guitar :slight_smile: Like you we lived an apartment for a while so it was harder to play. He plays the electric.

Now we live with his parents. He could play more than he could before but I think the lack of connections here and people to jam with his sapped up his motivation to play. Which is a bummer because his passion lies in music. It’s what he went to school for.

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