It’s really strange to be an alter and not believe you exist

As I front, I have gone to realize a few things, I don’t think Skylar notices much, but sort of.

For one, Skylar can see what I do but then lacks memory when I switch into our headspace and he fronts. It hurts our heads to try and remember what the other does. But we can get bits of memory of what we did. We also can do a quick switch willingly, such as me having to cover for Sky if something happens he isn’t able to go on with fronting. But I’m sure I’ll be fronting for a good while.

Secondly is something a bit more personal, can alters have personal turmoil? I think so. But anyways, I still don’t feel real myself, even if I front I feel like I am still Skylar but there is a difference… but does it truly matter? Am I really an individual? Well I act different and such but I’m still in the same brain, Skylar’s brain to be exact. Me and Sky are both unsure about this, we are a newly recognized system too, but we both decided it was a good idea to hide it from our parents, Skylar fears them so I do not like them whatsoever, they cause him to be scared, and hold a lot of repressed trauma. I can’t have an inch of respect for them, neither can I do the same with his Youth Minister. They also caused him pain.

But thats my thought about us and my status as an alter.

-Trevar

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Hey Trevar,

Thanks a lot for taking the time to share your thoughts. It’s an honor to learn to know both Sky and you, and just do life with you! :slight_smile: It’s also very precious for people like me, who don’t have an extended knowledge about DID, to understand a little more your inner experience.

For one, Skylar can see what I do but then lacks memory when I switch into our headspace and he fronts. It hurts our heads to try and remember what the other does. But we can get bits of memory of what we did.

Does writing/journaling helps, eventually? Like having both a record of what you do, so you can be updated whenever you switch and one of you fronts? Even though i’m not sure if that’s what you’d both want, but I imagine that it might be stressful sometimes not to recall everything, especially if trying to remember is a painful process.

Secondly is something a bit more personal, can alters have personal turmoil? I think so. But anyways, I still don’t feel real myself, even if I front I feel like I am still Skylar but there is a difference… but does it truly matter? Am I really an individual?

Again, this is only from my small understanding and what I’ve been learning by communicating with Skylar and you: of course you are real. You have your own character - I imagine you have your own personality, tastes, preferences, ways to communicate, and those can be common with Sky but also yours entirely, just like with anyone else on this planet.

When you think about it, it’s interesting this term of “alter”. In itself, it already implies “something less”/not real/not original. But it seems to me that you have your own existence. The only difference with someone who hasn’t any alter is that your existence is tied to someone with whom you share the same mind and body. As for any kind of cohabitation, it takes time to learn each other, to understand which “territory” is yours and which one belongs to Sky. As you said, it’s a system, with a lot of subtleties, connections but also differences. Overall, it creates a dynamic where you are both learning to find a balance that suits you both. You are inherently coexisting, with more or less presence or visibility depending on the moment and what you go through. But you are both existing, both deserving of love, care and understanding. And from my own perspective, both awesome as well, each one in your own ways. :wink: It sounds for example that you’re really caring about Skylar, which shows how much your heart is beautiful.

I’m glad that I’ve seen you around lately, and glad to learn to know you as well. :hrtlegolove:

We both considered journaling but we decided to simply leave it as is, Sky has their life and I have mine, and that’s that. We both need to set up boundaries for how many switches, since we switch fronting rather often, but right now we switch whenever we both would like to change positions. Also I suggest you look at studies on DID, especially more recent ones and types of alter if you want to familiarize yourself with those like us with DID symptoms.

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