It seems stupid to feel this way

A few months ago in summer, I went with a friend to a church service. It was fine, but towards the end, we went outside with spray bottles and made teams. The goal was just to spray each other. However, I did not want to get wet. Anyways, I had a hoodie on. To stop from getting my face sprayed, I hid in my hood and continuously pulled it down. The lead woman kept grabbing my hood to try and pull it up. It got to the point where I ended up crouching down into a ball, but she was still over me. And, later she crouched down and grabbed my hood again.

In the moment, I felt very uncomfortable with her trying to grab me and being so determined to spray me in the face. I wanted to get away somewhere, but there wasn’t anywhere I could’ve gone besides inside the building. When I think about going back, I feel fearful in a way. I don’t want to see her again. It seems stupid because it wasn’t some big tragic event. I don’t know. All I know is that it still makes me uncomfortable to even think about, yet it seems so silly at the same time.

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Hi there, @wren_wyn.

I just want you to know that it’s okay to feel like this. It may have been silly from an outsider’s perspective, sure. But if you feel uncomfortable, you’re uncomfortable.

I myself sometimes have stronger reactions to ‘minor’ things. Whenever someone interrupts me while I’m working on my art without warning, I get really upset at them. I get physically uncomfortable at the sound of babies crying. When I see someone I really hate, I can’t stand to be in the same room with them. And then there’s the opposite. I get really happy whenever I get something I really like. I get excited when I see new content of my hyperfixations.

I generally have a stronger response than most people, when it comes to certain situations.

And that’s okay. Everyone is different, and different things can upset or excite a person.

Even if some will say that “It’s not that big. Stop being so sensitive!” Don’t listen to them, because they don’t know what makes you happy or not.

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Thank you, it relieves me to hear this. In the past, I’ve been told that some events were insignificant or that “it could’ve been worse,” so I think it stems from that

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Hey wren, I’m so sorry you had this experience. It sounds like this person didn’t understand that you didn’t want to get wet, despite having your hood up (personally this would have indicated to me that perhaps you didn’t want to be sprayed, and I certainly wouldn’t have grabbed you and insisted on spraying you anyways, especially if you were crouching into a ball, but not everyone is intuitive or aware of certain nonverbal cues I suppose). Please know that it was not only reasonable to not want to get wet, but to feel uncomfortable with her grabbing you and trying to spray you anyways. Your feelings both about this situation and this person are valid.

When it comes to thoughts like “it could be worse” I personally find it helpful to say “but it could be better, too”. This helps me shift and reframe my perspective to acknowledge what happened in its entirety instead of minimize it. I wonder if this is a technique you might find useful as well.

It was uncomfortable for multiple reasons, but I don’t want to explain my whole past to her since it’s not something for her to know.

You opened my eyes. With other things, I’ve been told that “it could’ve been worse,” and now I invalidate a lot of things for myself. But being able to acknowledge it and not devalue it would be helpful and reassuring.

Hi @wren_wyn :blush:

I’m really sorry to hear about that uncomfortable experience you had. Your feelings are completely valid, and it’s important to acknowledge that what might seem small to others can have a big impact on our emotions. It’s okay to feel uneasy about going back; your comfort and well-being matter. If you ever want to talk more about it or share your feelings, I’m here to listen without judgment. Sometimes, just expressing how you feel can be really helpful :purple_heart:

I hope this is helpful!

** TW: SA ** Possible: SH, ED

It’s so fun starting out with a trigger warning (sarcasm). Edit: this turned into a vent/rant more than I intended.

I hate when people are near me or when they’re behind me. I hate when they’re close. I hate when they touch me or try and talk to me.

This stems from multiple people, but one person in particular hurt me the most. I was sexually abused online for 5 years, starting when I was 8. He made me do unmentionable things. He told me he’d kill me and my family, that he’d come and rape me. It was mostly fear mixed with “love” that kept me with him. It feels like a distant bad dream. I feel like since it was online, it takes away the validity of it, though I know it doesn’t. It really sucks that I’ll never get justice with anyone. When I was 5-7, a boy in my neighborhood started rubbing me. And when I was 12-13, a nurse took an explicit photo of me. These were all singular instances, but they still haunt me the same.

I hate my body and so I’ve slowly been destroying it. My thought process is that “I’ll ruin myself before anyone else can,” or, “I’ll be so hideous that no one will even want to rape me.” I’ve made myself scar, I’ve lost tons of weight. I’m not proud of it, but I don’t know how to cope otherwise. I hate going out in public because I’m scared of something else happening. I know the world isn’t against me, but it feels like that sometimes. It feels as if I’m not safe wherever I stand. And so I hated when she tried to grab me. I didn’t want her to touch me.

On a positive note, I’ve been clean for almost 3 weeks. In a month, it’ll be 2 years since I’ve been away from my abuser.

Hi there @wren_wyn :green_heart:

I want to start by saying how incredibly brave you are for sharing your story. It takes immense strength to open up about such deeply painful experiences, and I truly admire your courage. You’ve been through unimaginable challenges, but you’re still standing strong, and that’s a testament to your resilience.

I’m so sorry to hear about the traumas you’ve endured. No one should ever have to go through such terrible experiences, and it’s important to remember that what happened to you was not your fault in any way. You were a victim, and your feelings and emotions are entirely valid.

It’s heartening to hear that you’ve been clean for almost three weeks and that you’ve managed to distance yourself from your abuser for two years. That’s an incredible achievement, and it shows your determination to heal and move forward. Every day is a step toward reclaiming your life and your sense of self.

As you continue on your journey of healing, please consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma. They can provide you with the tools and guidance to cope with your past experiences and help you build a brighter future. You deserve to live a life free from fear and pain, and there are people and resources available to assist you in that process.

Remember, you are not alone in this, and there are many compassionate individuals and organizations ready to support you on your path to recovery. You are deserving of love, happiness, and a sense of safety. Please keep moving forward, one step at a time, and know that there is hope for a brighter tomorrow.

Hold fast! I believe in you :heart:🫶🏻

I can talk about it so easily because I’ve thought about it a lot. I think I’ve shoved a lot of the memories and feelings down which is another reason why. I’m used to doing a lot of things on my own. I forgive him, but I still wish he never existed.

I feel nothing almost all the time and it’s sickening. It feels as if my body has been carved clean of every organ, like I’m just a shell. And inside my chest there’s some sticky goo swirling around like an abyssal void. That’s the best way I can describe it.

I don’t have a therapist right now, but I’m trying to get one. I hope I can since I’ve been dealing with a lot of things like what seems to be depression and obviously SH. But hey, I’m still alive and (somewhat) well

Hi @wren_wyn 🫶🏻

The fact that you are so open about how you are feeling is true testament to your braveness. I can see your strength, which pours through the words that you write. Just a reminder, that it is okay to have moments where you create distance between your painful memories :smiling_face:

It’s a positive sign that you are seeking help by trying to find a therapist :hugs:

You have a strong ability in expressing your emotions, which is a skill not very many people have. On a personal level, I struggle with self-expression so badly, so any tips you’d be willing to share would be really helpful. Please remember that healing and recovery are a somewhat complicated journey and it’s okay to feel like some days you’ll never reach your destination :green_heart:

Even despite everything going on, your still here, reaching out and making efforts to geniunely seek help. This shows that you do want to get better, which again is difficult for some people to admit. Many still remain in denial, including myself 🫶🏻

All the positivity has made my heart warm, but please know that you aren’t alone. You have people around you who love and care about you and that shows how much of an impact you have on others :100:

Take good care of yourself! :raised_hands:t2:

Ahah, thank you.

I’m not sure how I express myself so easily. A lot of times, I’m just writing down my thoughts. I guess I sort of think along the lines of: they’re my feelings/thoughts, no one else can justify or explain them except myself and I never have to justify or explain them if I don’t want to. I write a lot of poetry (short stories rarely). So, from a writing standpoint, emotions aren’t a weakness, but more so a beautiful thing. Bad emotions are where I draw my inspiration for writing. I think a lot about how I’m feeling and try and make it into a metaphor or another way to explain it to myself and make it artistically digestible. I’ve gotten to a point where I don’t care what people think anymore, especially about my emotions. My standpoint is somewhere along the lines of “it doesn’t involve them so they and their opinions don’t matter(regarding emotions).” I don’t care what people think of me because it’s my life, not theirs. I get to feel what I’m feeling, not them, and no one can ever take that fact away.

I feel like if you’re questioning or disregarding that you need help, that you probably do need help. If you were fine, you wouldn’t be questioning it, if that makes sense.

Personally, I know I need help because of many obvious signs. I wanted to stay in a bad mental state for a while for a reason I do not know. I got sick of it. I’m still frustrated with myself for staying in that spot. I’m sick of feeling horrible everyday and wishing I could die. It sounds so easy and stupid, but one day I decided to stop everything because I was so angry with it. Of course, everyday is a slight struggle, some more than others, with the urges to cut. This was a long process of ups and downs. It got to the point where I wasn’t bathing, eating, or even getting out of my bedroom. I was cutting almost every day and taking tylenol for weird body aches and just as a thing to make myself feel better, emotionally (like a placebo). Eventually over time, I got into a better mental state. I’ve been using websites like heartsupport for a month or two now. Having some support, especially anonymous (takes away the shame for me), helps.

Oh I kind of rambled, sorry about that

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Hi there @wren_wyn

It warms my heart and inspires me to hear how you are embracing your emotions and positively channeling them into your writing and creativity. Emotions can provide us with some beautiful inspiration, yet we still struggle to express them :heavy_heart_exclamation:

I think you are absolutely right in that you shouldn’t need to justify your feelings to others. Getting to grips with your own feelings and emotions is a personal journey, but however you feel is 100% valid. Emotions are rough to navigate :green_heart:

Struggling with your mental health is a challenge within itself, but it’s empowering to see that you don’t view seeking help as a weakness, which so many people do. Recognising when you need support is difficult, but the fact you are able to do this is a sign of your strength :slightly_smiling_face:

It puts a true smile on my face to know that you’ve found supportive communities like HeartSupport. Having anonymous advice does certainly help, and it helps because sometimes it’s the case that friends just tell us the things they think we want to hear instead of being honest with us. All the SWAT team here care about those we support, and I would encourage you strongly to join our discord platform and become a SWAT team member, it’s a role I think you’d suit! :blue_heart:

Please don’t ever apologise for having the confidence and guts to share your story. Your words have offered me hope and encouragement, so I’m sure they will do the same for others. I’m pleased to see you embracing your creativity and seeking the support you need :hugs:

Super proud of you Wren, keep up the good work and keep fighting the good fight 🫶🏻

Thank you and sorry it’s taken me so long to respond. I’ve been busy.

Right now, I don’t think I could become part of the SWAT team since I’m busy with things like my education. There’s other things, too, though it feels selfish in a way. I think I need to heal more and get better mentally before I can do anything for anyone else otherwise it seems unfair and almost hypocritical.

I’ve been told before how strong I am, but I’m really not. I’m just so stupid that I don’t know when to give up. I’m not brave, I’m just thoughtless and a lot of times, I speak before thinking. I’m ignorant, selfish, brash, and impulsive. I remind myself how horrible I am everyday. I can’t see myself the way other people do. It’s like the mirror I’m looking into has been cracked and my reflection is warped. Or like I’m looking into a rippling muddy puddle. I don’t know how to not focus on my flaws when that’s all I see. I’m not sure where I’m going with this, but I’ve had a lot on my mind. Recently, when I’ve been going into public, I’ve been hiding my face with things such as a mask or glasses. It feels like I’m not me and that provides comfort. I want to strip my past away, but I feel like I’m doing it unhealthily. Oh well, I’ll get through it as with everything else.

I’m officially 3 weeks clean, though. But my eating habits have been getting poor again by which I mean I’m not eating enough. Whatever. It’ll get better with time

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