It was a fantasy until it came true

[SheetMetalHead]

I don’t know how to preface this, so I’ll get right into it. I was catching up with an old coworker, exchanged a few messages, asked for a nude photo, and got one. I immediately felt sick. It got too real. My wife turns a blind eye to my porn habits, which I know are a problem but try to convince myself they aren’t. I thought this would be something like that, but the aspect of engaging with someone I know to get a picture was a lot more intentional than casually browsing pictures online. I feel guilty, ashamed, anxious, dirty, and disappointing. I still feel nauseous, even after a night’s sleep to blunt the feelings a little bit.

This isn’t the first time I’ve done something like this. Three years ago I kissed another woman at a party. Telling my wife about that was one of the worst things I’ve ever had to do, and I never wanted to have to do that again. I feel even worse for this incident than I did for that one. For whatever it’s worth, I think I’ll remember the gut punch feeling I have now and clean up my thought life, but I’m also really good at not learning lessons. This may be the wake-up call I need to start in a support or recovery group, but whatever growth may come from it, I still betrayed my wife, and I feel terrible for that. I also think that avoiding consequences isn’t a good reason to behave. I shouldn’t be engaging in this stuff because it’s the right and decent thing to do, not because if I do I’ll get in trouble. I feel weak. This is stupid. It will never have been worthwhile. I have always said I only regret the things I didn’t do, but I definitely regret doing this one.

[Ashwell]

Hi SheetMetalHead
First of I must thank you for your trust. Sharing this and being vulnerable here was very brave of you. There is a lot to unpack in your post so let me tackle this one point at a time ok .

When it comes to porn there are very different approaches and opinions about what role does it play in relationships. This is one of those things that both people might consider it as ok and are not bothered by it or it might be considered a taboo in the relationship. Its all about comunication and boundaries. Now if you think you have a problem in the form of porn addiction that might be a problem. In the case of a porn addiction it is good that you are considering potential ways of help like a recovery group. I must applaud you for that. If this problem is truly going over your head go and seek the help you need. It is the best thing you can do in the long run .

When it comes to fantasies and thoughts they are usually quite harmless by themeselves until we get lost in them and we decide to make them a reality. Punishing yourself for having these thoughts and fantasies is not a good way to deal with them the same way as chasing them. The best thing you can do is to acknowledge them but neither seek them out or condemn them. Both of these aproaches would give them the spotlight they should not have so just accept them and move on.

@SheetMetalHead

I don’t know how to preface this, so I’ll get right into it. I was catching up with an old coworker, exchanged a few messages, asked for a nude photo, and got one. I immediately felt sick. It got too real.

This is one of those things that happends when a fantasy becomes “too real” and you begin to chase it. You messed up alright and you feel ashamed and guilty because of that but you are doing the very responsible thing of trying to make things right. Now I think you should not do so alone. Seek help in the form of a therapist or a recovery group. They will help you recognise these thoughts and fantasies that you have and ways how to make them harmless so they do not infuence your behavior. Also they will teach you some self control techniques which may be very useful.

@SheetMetalHead

I still betrayed my wife, and I feel terrible for that.

You did something that was not fair to her and it was a form of betrayl but it was nowhere as bad as lets say cheating. I am not trying to justify what you did I am just trying to put it in perspective. Yes you did something wrong but it was not disastrously bad. And it was a wake up call for you to do something about it. The best thing you can do now is to work on youself and the things you want to improve about yourself. I wish you the best of luck on this way of improvement and remember you can do this. I believe in you SheetMetalHead .

[Sita]

@SheetMetalHead

I also think that avoiding consequences isn’t a good reason to behave.

this is a mature thought, and it means that you want to internalize the new/amended way of thinking rather than just avoiding messy fallouts.

It sounds like these two big events, the kissing and the pic now, are good goalposts of where you draw the line, and they’re the points at which you know you need to never cross again, both for how it feels to you and secondly how it’d make your wife feel.

This can be a powerful time of learning for you, friend. Where you utilize all the emotions and thoughts you’re having now, not to condemn yourself and just beat up yourself, but to construct real boundaries for yourself and your behaviour.

You may use the time to really assess your behaviour for patterns than led you to this. (No answer needed for this, just an illustration of how you could approach thinking on the topic!):

• Did you first contact the old coworker because you thought they were attractive? At what point did the thought of nude pics occur to you? If you ever started this cycle of behaviour again, would you be able to recognise it and be able to stop texting them before you ask for a pic?
• is there anything going on in your life that coincides with these two events? Are you looking for reasons to do something risky with the hidden motive of feeling bad about yourself (a sort of hidden self sabotaging behaviour)?

I’d say talking to a therapist or a group could be really helpful.

This is a very big step to open up here and show your heart, thank you for your trust. Wishing you much growth from this experience, and remember you matter nothing changes that!

[Micro]

My dear friend,

I don’t have a lot of words of wisdom at the moment, but, I still want you to know that you are not dirty or some kind of monster for what happened. You are a human being, a courageous human being actually, who’s almost immediately acknowledging that a mistake happened.

This could be, indeed, a necessary trigger in order to ask for help and get that support as you wanted. Maybe you needed this, unconsciously, to be in front of this wall and accept that getting help is okay, especially when not everything seems in our control.

I can only imagine the shame and guilt you must feel right now. You are still the same though. Your strengths and beautiful qualities are still there. Acknowledging and feeling our flaws so brutally is a tough spot to be in. But something better can come out of it, once you will feel a little more collected.

Well done for reaching out not just for the sake of doing it, but despite the discomfort and fears that might have followed after posting this.

You are not seen differently. You are loved just as the same. Let’s make sure this can be turned into a step further towards growth. I believe in you wholeheartedly for making the right decisions. And you know you don’t have to do this all alone.

[Ephnel]

Hello, thanks for opening up here, its very courageous, and the first step to improvement.

I just want to say that sometimes out secrets/bad habits can enslave us, but this isnt good, so we must try to break free. Its good that you’ve acknowledged that you’ve done something bad, and as the others have said, its a good time to learn. Shame and guilt are 2 particular feelings, they definitely do not feel nice, but they have a purpose. A wise person will feel these emotions, they will put them in check, opposed to the rash, who do not feel any guilt, so they keep doing destructive things without a worry in the world. understanding this can help us improve our relationship with guilt. Guilt isnt made for us to hate ourselves, or to punish ourselves.It’s to make us acknowledge that we’ve done wrong, and learn from it.

As per your porn addiction, you said your wife turned a blind eye to it. Have you tried telling her about it? Do you also consider telling her about the coworker?
Im not sure if its the right call, but i personaly value honesty, and i would be more forgiving if someone came to me rather than i find out. If you tell her, she might be upset at first, but then, she can try and help you with it, and you’ll both grow together.

Youre worthy, my friend

[SheetMetalHead]

I’m re-reading these posts now that I’m a little more clear headed and can digest what y’all are saying. I talked with my therapist about it this morning, and telling another human about it made me feel about 10lbs lighter.

@Ashwell

Punishing yourself for having these thoughts and fantasies is not a good way to deal with them the same way as chasing them. The best thing you can do is to acknowledge them but neither seek them out or condemn them. Both of these aproaches would give them the spotlight they should not have so just accept them and move on.

There is so much wisdom in this statement! Of course chasing the fantasies is bad, and I know beating myself up for having them isn’t great, but it didn’t occur to me that doing that gives them just as much power. Thank you.

@Sita

is there anything going on in your life that coincides with these two events

We are in the middle of buying a house right now, and it’s been a hellish process with lots of twists, but I don’t think that’s why I did it. I have a problem with the need to seek validation that stems from feeling undesirable in my teens, and probably from growing up feeling like I never measured up. After talking with my therapist, I think this was a form of validation seeking, but it didn’t provide any validation. Receiving a nude pic didn’t make me feel sexier or more worthy.

@Micro

You are still the same though. Your strengths and beautiful qualities are still there.

Thank you for this reminder. It’s what I would tell anyone else, but it’s hard to embrace it for myself.

@Micro

Well done for reaching out not just for the sake of doing it, but despite the discomfort and fears that might have followed after posting this.

You are not seen differently. You are loved just as the same.

It was hard posting this here. I want to be a good example to this community. I wanted to use a throwaway name, even though this forum is already anonymous . However, I always tell other people that telling your secrets sets you free from them, and a good leader practices what they preach. I’m not better than the advice I give. It wasn’t easy, but it’s the start of taking ownership and responsibility for what I did instead of letting it rule me. If only that were the end of it…

@Ephnel

Guilt isnt made for us to hate ourselves, or to punish ourselves.It’s to make us acknowledge that we’ve done wrong, and learn from it.

This is another thing that I tell other people, that I need to humbly accept for myself too. It sucks, but if it was easy it wouldn’t be a powerful teaching tool. My frustration is that I should have known better. I knew it was wrong, and I did it anyway. Turns out it felt worse than I expected. I feel like a celebrity in a scandal who’s only sorry because they got caught, only I’m the one who caught myself.

@Ephnel

As per your porn addiction, you said your wife turned a blind eye to it. Have you tried telling her about it? Do you also consider telling her about the coworker?
Im not sure if its the right call, but i personaly value honesty, and i would be more forgiving if someone came to me rather than i find out. If you tell her, she might be upset at first, but then, she can try and help you with it, and you’ll both grow together.

I will tell her in due time. Like here, I don’t want to tell her. I want to hide, but hiding doesn’t end. Hiding things is a burden. Revealing then sets them free. I should tell her sooner than later, so that I don’t have to carry the burden longer than needed, and because telling her that I did this and that I kept it from her will make it hurt worse. I really don’t want to though

Thank you all for your kind and thoughtful responses. I feel like I should apologize to you for letting you down too, but I think that’s just projection.

[SheetMetalHead]

Going through this has also been a brutal reminder that the things posted on this page don’t happen in a vacuum, they are happening to real people, with real feelings and consequences. While I know that logically, I’ve realized that sometimes I lose sight of that reality. I guess that allows me to take a neutral look and offer neutral advice, and I do feel for every person I try to help, but I also feel like I’ve been a condescending prick at times. I’m trying not to throw myself a pity party or self deprecate, but since I’m making confessions I figure I can add this to the list.

[Sita]

for what it’s worth, I can’t recall a single instance where that was my reaction to any of your posts.

and yes, it’s kinda wild that after the words hit the page, there is a whole series of irl things that happen. and you’ve been an amazing support to everyone here. I’m glad you’re here with us.

[Micro]

It wasn’t easy, but it’s the start of taking ownership and responsibility for what I did instead of letting it rule me. If only that were the end of it…

Absolutely. You are empowering yourself.

I can feel the weight of your last statement though. It takes enough energy and courage already to make the first step, which can feel like an accomplishment and some kind of ending in itself. It can be discouraging to then look up and see that there’s still this huge mountain to climb. I’m proud of you regardless of how high this mountain can be. You are initiating something extremely healthy and positive, even if it requires to dig through the hurt, the dirt and the mess. Growth is ugly sometimes… but the feeling that will come along with knowing that you do the right thing will also be priceless.

My frustration is that I should have known better. I knew it was wrong, and I did it anyway. Turns out it felt worse than I expected. I feel like a celebrity in a scandal who’s only sorry because they got caught, only I’m the one who caught myself.

We are our worst judges, aren’t we? Yes, rationally you knew better. But emotionally, we can be so much more complex. Taking ownership of your actions is going to shape some emotional automatisms that you still have and want to free yourself of. What we do yet disapproves responds to needs that are often unsaid or really hard to acknowledge. Digging deep is not pleasant. But I know that you have that courage in you. It’s actually a quality that I’ve always admired in you.

As I lose sight of that reality. I guess that allows me to take a neutral look and offer neutral advice, and I do feel for every person I try to help, but I also feel like I’ve been a condescending prick at times. I’m trying not to throw myself a pity party or self deprecate, but since I’m making confessions I figure I can add this to the list.

In almost three years I have never seen you being condescendant. Although it is sure that, when we have the responders hat on a regular basis, we keep learning through the interactions that we have. The way we speak changes. I have myself read some very old posts and felt like I was often lacking of understanding because I wasn’t addressing my own traumas yet. I was more naive and would provide more superficial responses just for the sake of acknowledging someone. I’m glad I’ve progressed because the way I respond now matches more the values I want to live accordingly. It has also pushed me to read more about listening skills and educate myself both for IRL purpose and the Wall.

I’m grateful you’ve progressed too. I’m grateful that you are a human being who doesn’t take for granted what they do or say. Let’s make sure it doesn’t become too versed into the opposite side though, one that would be made of too much self-blame.

I have seen the shift in your own ways to interact, from being more solutions-oriented to being more listening and emotionally connected, without trying to fix a situation or offer a panel of solutions. You deeply respect people’s agency. You’ve also been more and more inclined to share your personal stories, without dismissing them as being not relevant for the others.

I don’t think that’s anything to be ashamed of. It’s a natural process - we learn from others bravery and vulnerability. It only displays how much humility is something that is part of your DNA, and how much you want it to be reflected through who you are, how you interact, how you respond to others and present yourself. Not everyone does that. Not everyone cares to even think about it.

[SheetMetalHead]

I told my wife about this last night. I told her I wanted to get back into a recovery program, that I was going to try Sexaholics Anonymous, that my lustful thoughts and porn habits have reached a point I consider unmanageable, even if it’s below others’ thresholds, and that I asked for a nude pic of my old coworker. She thanked me for telling her, assured me she still loved me and this wouldn’t change that, asked me a few questions about what led to this, and said she forgives me and we’ll get through it and move on. She wasn’t happy to hear about it, but she didn’t pull away from me or give me the silent treatment. All that is all the more reason I want to be my best self for her.

Can anyone weigh in on this? She asked me how she can support me through this, and I really have no idea. I told her as long as she’s present we can get through anything, but has anyone been through this who can tell me what kind of support I might need or what obstacles we can expect?

[Ashwell]

This is just so wholesome. You were very brave for telling her and she was so accepting and understanding. You are one hell of a pair let me tell you that.

Sometimes just being there is good enough. I think what might also help is doing things you enjoy together to remind each other how much you care about one another . A nice dinner, going to a cinema or just watching Netflix together. It’s up to you

[Sita]

@SheetMetalHead so proud of your bravery, and so glad that her response was so supportive and amazing!

I don’t have specific advice for it, but just keep those communication channels open!
Best of luck to you, and we’re here for you through it all!

[ManekiNeko]

I really really want to honour and commend your honesty through this. Both with us and your wife! She sounds like a wonderful woman and you have really done yourself a service with how you’ve handled this.
Yes mistakes happen, but what defines us is how we respond to moments in life.
It could be so easy to keep things secret and to just hide, but that in my experience always leads to relationship break downs.
Would she be open to coming with you to a session to talk about the experience?
In no way do I want to make you feel negative about the whole experience, but from personal past experience, I know I have forgiven someone and had it still play in my mind. So making sure she also has the space to talk it out could be beneficial too.
I know there’s services like intimacy healing for couples and for partners.
It’s also important that you don’t feel like you have to “pay” for your “sins”. Be open with each other and keep reminding each other of the love you have.

[Micro]

Can anyone weigh in on this? She asked me how she can support me through this, and I really have no idea. I told her as long as she’s present we can get through anything, but has anyone been through this who can tell me what kind of support I might need or what obstacles we can expect?

I’m tagging @NateTriesAgain because I’m pretty sure he would have some valuable experience to share on that matter (hope you don’t mind! Knowing you both, I see a very healing and supportive connection that could be created here).

Love you @SheetMetalHead. Proud of you.