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It's alot, I'm sorry

Hey, so I’ve got a long story that I feel I have to get off. I have a substance abuse issue that dates back to when I first turned 18. My mother left when I was born, both father and stepmother we’re both alcoholic and beat and belittled me as a kid. At school was no different, constantly bullied from kindergarten till 8th grade. Then one day me and my dad were kicked out and homeless for a month and was constantly blamed that it was my fault. Then I moved to my grandparents in FL and was forced into a religion that I didn’t believe and to be something that I’m not. Come 19 I get kicked out because I come home drunk and become homeless again this time on my own and I almost go through with killing myself. I push on and live out of my car and at my job. I attempt to get into a relationship and it’s over and done in a day. She just up and leaves. This is where my substance problem came to take over for a long time. Same thing a year down the line. Just up and leaves after a week because she felt I was too depressive. At this point I have a bottle of Jack every day and an ounce of weed every week by my nightstand just so I don’t have to face my reality. New year’s 2018 I attempted to kill myself by taking as many painkillers and as much alcohol and cocaine that my body let me before I blacked out. I woke up the next morning wishing I had died. I had canceled my insurance on my car to afford more drugs and more alcohol which led to me basically being on house arrest still to this day cause I can’t afford to get it back yet. I felt trapped, can’t go to hang out with people to get out of my head, and don’t have many people to call a friend since all I ever did was drink and get high with them, nothing of any value. I had tried to kill myself again but couldn’t pull the trigger again. I opened up to my dad about my abuse and suicide attempts and he said " wish you wouldve told me earlier so I could take out a better insurance policy" and then laughed about it. As of last month I took it into my own hands to change myself. I have quit alcohol, weed, cocaine, smoking, everything that I used as a reality escape except for my vape. What set me back again was another relationship. One that was going amazing. I had had a crush on her for years but not doing anything about it. I finally meet her in person and it’s amazing, were the same person into the same things, going great for a month. 4 days ago, she decides to end it out of nowhere, and now the temptation to go back to substance is almost more than I can take. I had tried to kill myself again yesturday but as I had the gun to my head a friend called to take me on a boat and it helped for the time being. I’m sitting here in my house cause I can’t go anywhere yet, but the thoughts in my head are still there. You’re worthless, a junkie who can’t go out and do anything, a slave to your mistakes and why bother trying to fix yourself. Why bother trying to form relationships if they don’t mean anything to anyone but me? I felt this is the only place I can write this without being a burden to others for opening up. Sorry for wasting your time reading this. I just feel empty and like I have a shotgun blast straight through the chest and don’t know what to do anymore. I’m just tired of trying and getting nothing in return. So I came here hopefully for some help.

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@Edelboii11
Hello my friend! Thank you so much for taking the time to share your story and your pain. You are not a burden at all and we are so grateful and glad you are here! I promise that you are loved and cared for here in this community. You will not be judged. Every one of us here is going through some struggle or challenge and we rely on each other to get through many of the darkest of days as well as celebrating the good ones.

My friend, I am so grateful you are here on this earth. I know that suicide may seem like the answer to escape our torment and our pain. I have those feeling and thoughts a lot. Although I haven’t attempted suicide, I do know the pain of the strong urges due to my extreme anxiety and depression.

You are such a courageous person and your spirit is so strong! The fact you are willing to open up and be vulnerable shows bravery. Even more incredible is the fact that you had such self awareness to see the path your life was heading down and you decided to quit the things that were causing you more pain in the long run. I am so proud of you for that. It’s truly incredible and I think it’s amazing. That doesn’t mean it was easy by any means, but the fact that you took those steps shows how strong you really are.

It breaks my heart to hear that you have lacked support from your family and people you thought were your friends. Equally challenging is going through a heart break. It never gets easier but you learn more each time. I’m sorry that she hurt you recently.

I promise you with all my heart that you are full of worth and value! You are amazing just the way you are.Please don’t ever forget that and know that you are not alone my friend. I know I don’t know you personally, but I am thankful for you sharing your story and opening up to us. We truly do care about you and we want you to have peace and healing in your life. You deserve that.

Have you thought about going to see a therapist or a counselor? Or even a support group? I am not sure if you have done those things but it’s something to think about. For me, seeing a therapist for years really helped me to tackle, head on, the issues I deal with every day. It’s still very hard and I am battling the demons even as we speak, but it’s at least another stepping stone to a better life.

Please let us know how we can be there for you. Keep us posted on how you are doing. I hope that each day gets a bit brighter for you and that healing comes your way. Stay strong my friend and hold fast!

  • Geoffrey
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I still don’t have my license back cause I still owe the money to get it reinstated. I did get my insurance back and pay off the ticket holding me back. I haven’t gone to a therapist yet, and also I don’t think i can’t afford a therapist at the job I have around here. I currently have enough money for my bills and $20 left over at the end of the month.

Hey! Im sorry u had to go through stuff like that. But you are valuable human, like we all here. <3 And some day u gonna find person who really appreciate you, as you are. Just don’t give up.

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Hello friend,
First off I am sorry to hear about the relationship that did not go well. You are definitely not wasting anyone’s time by sharing with us and I for one am glad you were brave enough to come here. You are always welcome. I want you to see how amazing you have done though. The fact that you were able quit, improve yourself, for yourself is amazing and don’t let anyone take that away from you. I want you to remember the success and the value you have in this world. I am sorry that a relationship did not workout, but this does not make you worthless.

How are you feeling right this min? I would love to chat if you wanted. Remember you are so loved.

Travis

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@Travis I got off the phone with the suicide hotline a couple minutes ago. Idk how this place works yet do we just chat here or do mean like DM of some sort?

Hi Edelboii11,
Sorry I was at work so I could not respond super quick. I usually talk on here if that is ok with you. I wanted to know some more details to how things are going.

@Travis yeah it’s cool. I went for a walk down to the marina to clear my head. It definitely helped out. I reached out to my roommate and finally told him everything and he’s being really supportive. His family reached out as well and expressed they are here to help as well. I have no family down here anymore so to hear that is amazing and helpful.

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That’s great! Good for you using what you had available. And that’s such a major step to share your story with others. Thank you for being transparent and vulnerable with others. I know how scary that can be.

Since you said the relationship was something that triggered the thoughts have you talked to this person at all?

I did yesturday. I opened up as to why I felt like this and why it was the straw that snapped. And she told me it’s not fair that I can feel that way but she can’t. Idk what to make of it, but it damn sure didn’t help.

So it sounds like you were able to be open and express why you are hurt by her wanting to end things. But then she is saying it is not fair that you are hurting?

I would agree with you if I were in your shoes I would be super confused too.

Hey there,

This is my first time responding on heart support (which I hope to do more often, since I have looked up threads regarding problems that I am facing, and I think the world will only get better when we shift our focus from ourselves to what we can do for others). I’m so sorry my friend, it sounds like you’ve dealt with a lot. Just know that you are somebody, you are loved, and there are people out here like me that are rooting for you. You will overcome this. You will be better than you were before. No one else defines you. Speaking from someone who is currently dealing with depression, loneliness, alcoholism, the longer you go without these things, the more your self-confidence continues to grow, and the more comfortable you are with yourself and naturally attractive to others you become. Continue to fight the substance abuse, continue to fight the internal conflicts. “Battles are fought in the mind, and won in the heart”. You are worth it. In the words of ABR, “Prepare for the struggle, prepare to engage.” Lean on our shoulders, and together we will come out on top. You are loved!

-Bret

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Update for everyone. Doing great finally. Her sister tried calling me out publicly that I was just a junkie alcoholic and not appreciative when I did everything I could to help out. Had a bunch of people stick up for me that I didn’t know cared that much. Feels good to know I have more support than I thought. I want to thank all of you for the messages and words of encouragement through my darkest hours. I’m finally living for myself for the first time and it feels great.