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Well…last week my plan came back. Not just any plan. My plan to end myself. It has more details and it’s more refined this time. I even have locations bookmarked on my computer. It’s been showing up in my head again for months and last week I got tired of hearing it and wrote it out. But, I didn’t stop there. There are the beginnings of a note as well to leave if/when it actually happens. I even wrote it in a way that wouldn’t be easy to decipher. There are reasons to justify it written after it too. I want to rip it up. I want to burn it. I want to do anything to get rid of it. I just don’t know that I can. I don’t know that I have the strength, or the will power, to do so. Things have been going pretty steadily down hill for me. So I don’t know…this seems like an option that might actually work.

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Hi Sarah.

You alone have the power to stop this, and you want to stop this. So do it. You don’t have to keep going down a bad road just because you turned onto it, or even cruised down it a bit. It is not too late to ask for help, here or elsewhere.

It isn’t enough just to fight your demons. You need to walk away from the fight, and find something to walk toward so you don’t look back. Nobody can fight forever, and no one can carry a heavy weight forever. Think of boxing. Those people fight for a living, all day every day, but at the end of a big match they’re exhausted and need rest. That wouldn’t happen if they quit fighting and, let’s say, turned to underwater basket weaving instead :smirk: I’ve seen you interact here and in streams. You have a lot of perspective and empathy to offer, and you’ve helped a lot of people. You’re strong! But pushing back against your ideations will eventually wear you out if you don’t turn away from them.

It’s sad to hear that things have been getting steadily worse for you, and have gotten to the point that you want it all to end. The thing is, like I’m sure you’ve heard umpteen times before, suicide doesn’t “work.” You’re not winning the game on your terms, you’re forfeiting. As for things going downhill, it may feel like an endless fall now, but life is so long! Consider this: what are a few hard years if you have the potential for 60 good years? I felt like an abject loser for a decade. There are still times where I feel really low, and I’m sure that won’t stop, but in general I’m better. If I had gone through with my ideations at any point in those 10 years, things wouldn’t have gotten better.

You matter. You matter to the people around you, you matter on this forum, and you matter to me. You have brightened my days in posts and on streams, and I want to keep seeing you here. I know all this is the advice you’d give anyone else, and I also know that everyone here is bad at taking their own advice, so now I want you to consider my advice :hugs:

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Hey @FaeTheProud, thank you so much for sharing and being here. I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through and that it is going downhill. That is so hard. I am so glad that you are here on this planet and a part of Heart Support. Being here itself shows so much strength and I would wager that you have more strength than you think. You matter to me and you are not alone. Please feel free to reach out if you need someone to talk to.

I’m glad that you are still here, and I know there are people on this forum and in your life that are glad you are here! I believe you have the strength to rip up the plan you wrote out about ending your life. Every time those thoughts come into your mind, it can always seem easier to agree with the thoughts, but I believe you can reject those thoughts. Every time those negative thoughts come into your mind remember to say something positive about yourself. You are here for a reason, a lot of people did not make it to see this new year but you are alive to do something in this world :). Even if you do not see it, in the grand scheme of it all you are! I hope and pray you are feeling better, and things are going better. Please feel free to respond to this message to let me or others on this form to know you are okay.

Ps. You can always talk to Jesus as long as you have breath on this earth! On a personal note, I don’t know what your beliefs are but I know God has helped me change the way I felt about myself. Continuously remembering that Jesus loves us so much, even while knowing everything we have done, is amazing. He loved us so much that he thought we were worth saving.

When you have thoughts telling you, you will never be successful you can say verses such as Philippians 4:13 " I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"
Isaiah 40:31 says, “But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary, and they shall walk, and not faint.”
God promises to restore our soul, and in Matthew 11:28, He promises us, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”

For whenever you have thoughts where you feel useless: Jeremiah 29: 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

For whenever you have thoughts or feelings of being alone: Isaiah 41: 10 “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

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Oh no… Sarah…
I’m so worried that you died!!!
please, answer…
please…

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