It’s been a few months, and I feel like some nights I’ve really made progress. And then there’s nights like this where everything I’ve done and have been doing amounts to nothing; and in the grand scheme of it all, will never be anything.
The other night I caught up with friends, people that i haven’t seen for years. People that I was close with since my graduation. Spent days and nights with them, countless hours just around talking about life and progress. One friend, going through therapy, while the other is shedding old past and history and becoming a police officer. The thoughts running through my mind are ridden with pride. These are my friends, one who has gone through so much and is asking for the help he needs; and another the opposite of what we were doing growing up. Finding peace and order for his family and the ones he loves. It was then at the point, the person that I had loved for 10 years, the person that we had said lets work things out, walks in with the person they left me for; one day after Thanksgiving. The whole year we thought we were working things out, gone in an instant because of one day, at least to me. But part of me believes thats not the case. So many thoughts run through my mind. How long were they talking for… When was my attempt at trying to work this relationship out amount to nothing again. When did they stop loving me.
I think my friends picked up on it; the sudden shift in my behavior probably signaled them to “maybe we should leave”. Honestly, I was fine with and am sure that I’m over my relationship; I’m just not over how it ended. After all, how do you go to spending time with the person you “thought were working things out with the whole year” to “I’m leaving you, one day after thanksgiving, for someone.”
Am I just overthinking this? Am I taking this harder than I should be?
The only difference for me, between me this year and me last year, is that I’m not drinking myself to an early grave. But does it sure want me to start again. Just like The Amity Affliction said, i’m brittle, unstable and scared for my life.
I recently watched 50/50 again, and I think about what he says to his therapist. I just want to be better. I’m tired of being sick. I feel the same way. I wish I could hop into a time machine and move to a point and time where I wasn’t riddled with feelings of being inadequate. Riddled with feelings of self doubt and loneliness peppered with hate and disgust with who I am. The idea of no one will love me and I don’t deserve love. I just want it to be over.
Thank you so much for sharing these updates with the community here. It’s totally understandable that seeing your friends again and this ex is a situation that opened some wounds again. Closure is hard to find when we grieve something or someone, including for a relationship in which expectations were high, but happened to stop suddenly. Seeing them all again has reactivated those memories, and more often than not, in this kind of situation, it reactivates them in a way that is very raw and brutal.
Does this pain that you feel today means that you have not progressed and that your efforts amount to nothing? No, absolutely not. Actually, there’s a lot of wisdom in your post. A lot of growth expressed, despite the very vivid pain that you feel. You mention what you truly aspire to fight for, and you acknowledge this huge progress regarding your ways to cope - not drinking anymore is really a big change, one that shouldn’t be underestimated. Unfortunately, the price to pay for growth is to allow ourselves to feel more the things we would rather avoid by any mean. That’s not what you are doing. Your friends may or may not aware of this, but, I do. I see you. I hear your silent battles. I feel your efforts and bravery. You are not who you were a year ago, and you are not in the situation nor the same grief you were in at the time.
Your heart will still need time. It will go through different seasons, and maybe this reactivation of memories is a new manifestation of it, an invitation to dive into yourself with an outlook that would be fair - yes, you are growing and you will keep doing so.
When you were catching up with your friends, how did you describe yourself/your life? Considered done here, this could be a good opportunity for you to take the time to reflect on your journey, and how much you keep growing despite the hardships that you’ve been facing in this life.
Hi there! I’m oh so very sorry that you are going through relationship troubles. I’ve been through those before. They’re not the best to go through. No one should stop loving anyone, everyone should love each other. When I found out my ex partner didn’t love me, I was sad for a while. My depression hit me like a truck. I was question when did they stop loving me, and i can assume thats what my lastest ex partner was thinking when i broke up with them aswell. I can feel where your coming from and I am here for you, pls, everyone here will love you. I know it! Don’t give up!
Thank you for allowing us to come alongside you to support & encourage you through this season of life. Heartbreak is difficult no matter the situation. I have been in a similar situation, but now when I look back on that heartbreak…I am thankful for it. I have grown and learned so much from it. I would not be where I am now if I did not experience that.
Please know that you did nothing wrong and you are not to blame for it. You are amazing. You are wonderful. You are enough. You are valid. You matter.
This is definitely a lot that you are feeling, and it is very hard to comprehend all of what is happening. You are willing to do what it takes for you to become a better person and that is what makes you a good person. You deserve love and there are people who love you. You might not see them now, but I’m sure that they exist. Calm down and enjoy your life, and while that will take a long time for it to happen I am sure that you will be able to do it one day.
You’ve not done anything to become a worse person or someone who should be left alone, and you deserve much more than this
Hey Friend, Thank you for posting, I think it sounds like you have made plenty of progress but catching up with old friends is bound to bring up feelings and then for your ex to walk in like that, Im not sure it would be possible not to have those feelings coming back, im sorry that you had to deal with that and it ruined your night. I cannot imagine seeing my ex with the person they left me for. I know its cliche but you will feel better, time really does heal all wounds, What you went through was traumatic to you, it was like grieving, grieving takes time and is a process and seeing your ex again has dragged you some way back. You really will get better, you will move forward and you will find happiness again even if it doesnt feel like it right now. You can talk to us here any time you want to, we are always here to support you. You are valuable and loved. Take care Lisa xx
Thank you to everyone who took the time out of their day to reply. Since posting, I’ve kind of taken a few days away from being online and have been spending some more time outside, at least when its warm. It truly means so much that there are people here with strong words of encouragement and it’s a reminder to me that sometimes feeling low is inevitable and that there’s nowhere left to go but up from here.
So glad to hear that you are taking some time for YOU. Enjoying the warm sun outside, reconnecting with yourself… that’s so good, @Skynet. Thank you so much for sharing these very inspiring updates.
Rest assured that this community is here by your side, especially during the times when you feel low, but also to celebrate your success as well! It’s okay to go through ups and downs, and it’s essential to be reminded that you have all the strength within to rise above low moments/seasons that you might encounter. You got this.