It's been a while, hasn't it

HeartSupport Support
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TW: idk, basically everything

Yoga is nice. It’s very comforting to feel pain, but the good type of pain. Not the burn-myself self harm, or the cut-myself self harm. But stretching. It just helps to finally be free of the outside world. I don’t think I’ve cut myself for a while now. There are still “soft” self harms, but not anything that actually breaks skin or leaves a scar.

I wish I was an amputee. Just one leg is all I would wish for. Paraplegia is too risky. If I could just get some sort of disease on my leg, everything would be perfect. I could go back to the heavenly hospital. Sure, I’d have physical pains, and even new mental pains, but they will never outweigh the current mental pains. I’d also become dependent on others, but I want that. I want to become the “pet.” Life without a leg would be so much better because the challenge in my life would be being without a leg. The challenge I feel right now will be gone. I just wish I knew how to become an amputee on purpose. I wish my genetic disorder was more severe.

Why did I put this under support? Should I change it to journal? I mean, I’m mostly just talking. Eh, you’d probably consider this a problem. Sorry for wasting your time.

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welcome back.

would it be correct to reframe it as “I want to be cared for, loved and taken care of” instead of amputated?
Is the lost of the leg the dream? Sounds like that is just the only way you can illustrate your needs, which may be emotional instead - to be free of the stresses in your life, the expectations. And instead have people see you as needing to heal, needing their support, and this is the only way you can imagine that they’d actually show up and be present in your life?

Being a “pet” sounds like you crave attention, affection and somebody or somebodies to show you that they care.
Is that the heart of what you’re really feeling?

Yoga is excellent. I hope that with regular practice, it can strengthen you in many marvelous ways. Do you practice different types of breathing too?

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You’re never wasting anybody’s time I can promise you that. I am so proud of you for over coming a lot. I can relate to that good pain. That pain that helps you feel your body and stretch it and move it.

To echo a little what sita said, does that feeling come from wanting to feel safe and secure, to have someone or some people just reach out and take care of you? Protect you?

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From: Mamadien

Swix, It’s good to hear from you again. Yoga is such an amazing way to stretch and feel your body, feel muscles respond to being used and strengthened. It’s a great choice of exercise. Also - congrats on not doing the harder self harm. That is true growth. I’m not sure that new physical pains will get rid of current physical or mental pains. It will just shift your focus for a bit. The old stuff will still be there. What I hear is that you have a need for others to care about you and for you. Have you talked with your family and those who help you when you need care about how you are feeling? Please consider reaching out. And keep us posted on how you are doing.

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hey Swix, its been a while indeed and nice to hear from you. I personally have never done yoga, the thought of stretching that much is a little scary for me but I am very glad you enjoy it, you do sound a lot happier with regards to all of that which is great. I don’t really have much to say about you becoming an amputee except that I hope for your sake that never occurs, its a dreadful thing to happen to anyone. My suggestion would be to keep doing what you enjoy and make the most out of your life, you deserve to be happy not disabled. Lisa. x

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Hey @Swix, I’m proud of you for not harming yourself on purpose. You may not know or like why you’ve decided to post, but this is also the manifestation of your “other self” – the one that knows what is right, that it is okay to reach out and to be honest, that you don’t have to suffer just on your own.

Reading your words, I’ve come to realize how much I relate to it – not in the same way, but regarding what’s behind. Pain is comfortable when we got used to it. When it’s become such a huge and constant part of our life, it feels safer to be where it hurts, where we would sabotage ourselves. When you remove that, suddenly you’re forced to be the one who takes care of yourself, to be your very own rock in the face of adversity, to create your own rules without being sure of what is fair or not – and that’s freaking scary. Somehow, it feels “safer” to be controlled by life, by the unexpected, by limitations that would set an environment for us – and not for us to have to create it.

My own “harm” is performance. If I’m not “on” all the time, doing something useful and that I can control in some way, then I feel completely lost and afraid. . It’s as if the world had no direction and meaning anymore. It’s foggy, intimidating, scary. These past couple weeks, I’ve been completely diving into this old habit of finding refuge in burning myself out. But I see myself doing it, and I choose to be compassionate with myself: old patterns take time to unlearn, especially when the opposite is to feel constantly distressed.

You have yet to meet yourself at a deep and caring level. You have yet to truly embrace the love you can give to yourself without it being something that would scare of hurt you. But you are trying! You’re doing it, for example with yoga. You now get to see that there are other ways to feel both physically and emotionally. That it is possible to be safe without hurting yourself.

This is a learning process, and I wholeheartedly believe in your ability to embrace it. The discomfort is present, but it’s worth persevering through it. Because your place, where you belong, is not on the side of pain. <3

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