It's Getting To Be Too Much

I don’t know…I really don’t know. I feel so…so lost and numb and just over it. I’m constantly surrounded by homophobia. My mother and grandmother are very religious and involved in the Christian faith. My mother told me to my face that I’m going to Hell, that I need to change, that I’m living wrong. She told my grandmother, her mother, to pray for me since I’ve “lost my way” and that I need to “return to God”. I’ve never left my faith. Sure, I may have staggered, but I haven’t completely abandoned it. I still pray, I read the bible, I go to youth group and church and mission trips. I believe that God accepts everyone and loves everyone no matter what. That’s the God I believe in. My mother said to me that if I don’t go back to being straight I’m not going to ever be accepted in the kingdom of God anymore. I had said to myself one day while helping my grandmother make my grandfather’s bed that I was really upset about Pride being cancelled. She said to me “Why would you want to go? What difference would it make? You know what God has to day about that.” I told her that it’s who I am and there’s no changing that. She then responds with “No, that’s not who you are. You’re my granddaughter,” and then started preaching to me about how God has so many things planned for me, but if I continue down this path I’m just throwing it all away. I’ve tried to get them to see my side of it, but they won’t listen. Usually, what they say to me is easy to just brush off. But, lately, it’s been bothering me and just getting me down. I feel like I’ve disappointed my mother because I’m not turning into the daughter she wanted me to be. I don’t know…I just have been having trouble feeling things. Like, it’s a bit hard to explain, but I feel like anything that I do feel gets swallowed by my brain and it just gets numbed out. I don’t know if that makes sense, but it’s the best I can describe it.

Please…if anybody has anything to say, say it. I feel like I’m at a loss of what to do next.

Thank you to anyone who’s read the whole rant. It means a lot to me <3

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I am experiencing something almost identical but I listen to grandma because that is how I am able to even walk. So for me Thank God for grandmoms

You are perfect just the way you are… and your feelings are important. While my experience growing up was a little different, I was just a general disappointment to my mother due to untreated mental illness, it still hurts deeply.

Hi Sarah :slight_smile:
You know, just from hearing how you speak and your mindset, I admire who you are. You are strong and being humble enough to ask strangers what to do is noble.
Dealing with homosexual feelings in a religious setting is an extremely difficult situation and my heart aches for you. I am a member of the LDS church and hearing the stories of how hard it is for many of my fellow members dealing with the same conflict is heartbreaking.
Your right, God does love you and loves all of His children. We have trials in this life to refine us and help us to become more like Him. You are going through some serious pain and I hope that you feel comfort from God when you seek Him, cause I know He cares about you and is proud of you.
It is disheartening that your family members are not a source of support. As Christians you think that is what would be a priority to them. Just know that you have to go on your own path and a relationship with God makes that path a lot less lonely. He has been there for me when I felt no one understood me. I know He can do that for you.
Also you should research Carl Roger’s theory on self-actualization. I think you could find some good points to guide you on what to do.
Stay strong, friend.