It's happening again. I can't cope

Not that long ago I spoke about a trip that ended in 2 cases of sexual harassment… Last night I had a nightmare of this all happening again and more. It felt so real, as if I was back in those moment with him and I couldn’t do anything again. I was frozen in fear. After that part of the nightmare ended, it was as if I was still stuck… unable to do anything. However this time I was in my own room and he was taking over me somewhere that is supposed to be a safe place. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t wake myself up from it. I know that it was probably just sleep paralysis but I cannot get it out of my head and I’m so scared of it happening again. Im terrified that he will one say show up and I can’t bare living with this fear… on top of the other things I have going on inside and outside of recovery, I’m so overwhelmed. I already blame myself for what happened anyway but i can’t help believing this is telling me that it was and that I should have done something. I really don’t know how much longer I can go on like this…

4 Likes

My dear friend Kayla,

I am sorry that you have has to fight through this, I’m sorry you’ve had to go through these things.

These occurrences are ones that no on eon this planet should have to go through.

I want you to know that you are so deeply loved and cherished and cared about- even when you can’t feel that way for yourself.

I want you to know that these occurrences do not define you. What happened is not your fault.

You have made so so much progress already and I am so so proud of you.

You are so immensely loved.

Hold fast.

With love,
Lyss (your old pal Blurryface)

3 Likes

Kayla - I’m so, so sorry to hear about what happened. Remember that you’re a fighter, and please don’t blame yourself. If you’ve ever watched the movie “Good Will Hunting”, there’s a scene where Robbin Williams tells Matt Damon, “It’s not your fault” over-and-over again until Matt breaks down and believes it (Link [Starting at 2:28]: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYa6gbDcx18). If you haven’t talked to a professional counselor about your situation, I would highly recommend it. I’ve seen counselors for years and every session I walk away feeling so much better than I did walking in. You’re loved!

2 Likes

Kayla im so sorry you had to go through this then have them as dreams . but please don’t blame yourself this isn’t your fault you are an amazing young lady that likes being there for other. i know what ive been through ive had dreams about them to. just know ill be here for you friend and i will always will be no matter what my pms will ALWAYS be open if you need anything. just know your amazing, and sweet, and dont forget YOU ARE WORTH IT!

3 Likes

Kayla,

100% not your fault. That’s important, probably more so than anything else I have to say.

It’s not surprising that your mind is still working through the traumatic situation. It’s definitely not a sign of anything being your fault. Our dreams are often ways of our brains trying to figure out situations and running through potential situations, but they often aren’t literal or make sense. A bad nightmare always shakes me up, but try not to assign literal meaning to it.

Most of all, know that we believe in you. Hold fast, friend.

3 Likes

Hey Kayla,

I am so sorry you’re going through this experience. It’s unimaginably unsettling and painful when even sleep, dreams, and where you rest are no longer a safe place. Although I can’t completely relate to everything you’ve shared, I know how the restlessness and the reality of nightmares taking over the way I feel when I wake up is horrible. I may not understand the whole depth, but gosh I know it’s hard. You are not alone in this and we are always going to be here for you. We’re here to share burdens with each other, and please let us continue to help carry yours. You are loved unconditionally, no matter what.

Hold fast my dear!
Sincerely,
Alex

3 Likes

Kayla,

You are so strong for reaching out like this, and know that it does not go unnoticed. When I was a child I was molested by a neighbour of mine for a couple years. It took a lot of work to get past it, but I don’t regret a minute of the fight.

Just know that it does get better, and the more you open up about it the easier it gets. The nightmares will go away, as well as the fear. If you ever feel like it’s too much to bear just remember that there are people in your life that love you and we’re all rooting for you.

If there’s anything I can do for you, please reach out to me, any time of day. I’m here for you, as are all the wonderful folks who make this community amazing. WE LOVE YOU!!

Your Friendly Canadian,
Bob

2 Likes

Kayla,

You are so brave and strong. You have been through so much. Please don’t blame yourself. It is not your fault. I am so sorry you had that awful dream. As others have said, it is probably your brain trying to process a traumatic experience. Keep holding fast and keep reaching out to us. You were not created to go through this alone. There is healing to be found in community. I pray that you will find healing from this; you deserve it!

2 Likes

Video Response:

3 Likes

You’re feeling some really intense feelings. Often what Danjo and Casey say (the live-streaming duo) is that they’re not here to diagnose you so I am going to say the same but I have been through almost exactly what you’re talking about (we all experience everything differently) and that sounds like sleep paralysis. If I were you i would get a sleep study done, on the medical side sometimes they have ways to make sure that doesn’t happen. I understand the fear of going to sleep after that. Sometimes, in order to learn to cope with trauma you have to give it some space in your head for a little while before you kick it out. We’re always here on the forums if you need someone to talk to, please, keep us updated. We care about you.

2 Likes

God I’m so sorry. First off, thank you for gracing us with your story! I can’t imagine what you went through. I have been through some things like that with my ex but not too extent and overwhelming with sexual assault. You are a fighter! Don’t give up!

1 Like

Hi Kayla,

You’ve probably heard it before but I’m going to tell you again.

It’s not your fault darling and you have no blame in this. Believe me I’ve been right where you are before, it’s not your fault, and you didn’t deserve this. You are beautiful and you are loved and I’m so sorry this happened to you but know that this is a safe place where you can come and talk.

I deal with that very same fear too, but I try to remind myself that the chances of me seeing this person again or hearing from him are really small. Try to think of all the reasons he won’t come back into your life. It’s helped me a bit.

I’m not sure if you’re seeing a therapist but it’s been so so helpful for me. There’s a lot that I still need to work on but consistently seeing a therapist has been really good for me, it might be something that you want to look into if you already haven’t.

Much Love,
Jedi

2 Likes

Kayla,

I want you to know you are so so loved and I am so so proud of you.

with love,
lyss (your old pal Blurryface)

2 Likes